I wrote a suicide note a couple months ago when life was rough. I wrote 5. For my parents, 2 siblings and my boyfriend. My boyfriend discovered them the other day. I panicked and took them from him and threw them in my closet. He left to go do something for his mom and when he came back I just acted normal. When he mentioned the notes I wrote he asked me if I wrote him one, I guess he only read the one for my mom. I said yes and told him not to be sad it was from a couple months ago and obviously didn’t kill myself. I have never seen him so sad in my life. Just tears pouring down his face, shaking, could barely talk. All he said was “I would be really sad if you left”. I have never left so selfish in my life. I love this man to death and I somehow convinced myself I had no one who cared about me. I didn’t want him to be sad so I just lightened the mood and let him know he didn’t have to worry. But later that night I bawled my eyes out. I have someone who loves and cares about me. I’m not alone. He’s all I have and I’m all he has. I could never abandon him and I can’t believe I almost did at one point. Being able to see his reaction was like seeing how he would react if I had died. And that is cemented in my memory. If I ever get to the point where I want to die I will always look back on that moment and remember the pain I would be causing to the people I love. I’m writing this while laying next to him. And when I post this I’m just gonna hold him while he sleeps.
33 comments
Please please don’t get to that point again. Clearly people love you and there’s many more people and friends to meet in your life. Thank you for sharing your note and hope you are doing better.
Your life matters. You matter. You’re loved. Everything else is just noise that tries to convince you that you’re not worthy but you ARE. Don’t let that noise distract you from allowing yourself to feel less than.
I’m glad that you didn’t go through it and see the god you have in your life. Stay strong 💪
I have a suicide letter from a friend who do it, sometimes I remember that I have it and I read it, all the times I ended crying.
You have people who love you, get support from they, they gonna give it to you, be strong.
(English isn’t my first language, sorry for the posible mistakes)
Ouch. I’m sorry you went through that period. It’s a bit ironic reading notes to the people you love all while being convinced no one loves you, huh? I was at that point once, too, but no one ever knew. I’m glad you don’t feel that way anymore.
Wow.
Sorry about that.
You can speak to me at any time. Please talk to me.
Who is your boyfriend?
Don’t ever do that. As someone who had to cut out his own mother to get her to take this seriously and stop her attempts. Get counseling and meds. Don’t let yourself get that low. It’ll destroy your partner, family, and friends. Get help and remember you’re loved and special to those that know you best.
I’ve absolutely been there. I once walked out of a lecture in university because I started making drafts of one instead of taking class notes. The state you’re in when you’re writing those words is unlike anything else, and it seems like you’re in at least a bit of a better place for now. Keep yourself safe, and don’t feel too down on yourself about where your head was for that time.
I wish you the absolute best, and hope you’re able to wake up feeling a little bit better every day.
I promise your partner is so thankful. It takes a lot to stay sometimes but we all appreciate it.
I’m so happy you realized this 🥰
I know that feeling. I’ve started writing notes before, but I never finished them. I know people *say* they care about me, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it. They don’t reach out or their words feel fake, like they’re saying them because it’s just “something people say”. I haven’t gone through with anything because “what if they really *do* care and this ends up forever hurting them?” I just couldn’t do that, I feel too bad even thinking about hurting people. It’s even worse once you’re in a good place and you really do feel the love from others. You just couldn’t feel it *then*
Hey OP, I’m glad you’re still here and your boyfriend is very clearly glad you are too.
Don’t beat yourself up for this, mental health issues and illnesses can be super debilitating and it’s hard to consider others in your darkest moments. The important steps you’ve taken mean you’re still here today and you beat that low point, you can survive anything.
Remember it can only go up from here, you and your boyfriend are doing amazing. Keep up the great work.
Lmfao. Suicide come on. It’s not a big deal. Look one less person on the earth
OP, the last line is so sweet! I am glad you’re here.
I’m so so glad you decided that for you, him and everyone. I ended up in tears just hearing the story, but now i’m so happy that you got to the point of realization that he means everything to you and everyone matters to you. God bless you two and stay strong
This is a really beautiful story. The bad and the good. You are on a journey, and you are fortunate to have found someone that loves you deeply and wants to accompany you on your journey.
Go one day at a time.
There are so many things that can bring you pleasure. So make an effort to discover the things that pleasure you in this life.
Watch something funny and laugh. Surround yourself with kind people. Eat delicious food. And build yourself up.
Life is beautiful if you can find the beauty in it – just like how your boyfriend sees the beauty in you.
Cheering you on OP. You got this! 🙂
OP, I’m very sorry you went though this. I hope you don’t ever feel that awful sense of loneliness again and attempt again. Now you see there are people that love and care for you deeply…
I hope you feel better and are reminded that your boyfriend would be devastated if you left him behind. Hold your head up high; life is going to be rough, but you aren’t alone. I wish you luck and hope for the best for you, truly. Please reach out when you feel at your lowest and I hope you can talk to him and anyone else you trust.
“You might feel alone and not loved but you are always loved and never alone” this is what I tell myself every time I feel lost in this vast world. I look in the mirror and I see love, love that I can give and love that I can receive. He loves you and you love him and there is so much for you to live for, live and love for the two of you and for the all the beautiful things you stiil haven’t lived yet. Thank you for sharing it helpful someone like me that had similar struggles.
Depression is an extremely heinous affliction in that it not only makes you feel like no one cares about you and that they are right to feel that way, but also that by ending your miserable existence, you would be doing the people you care about a favor.
I’m happy that you overcome it and are somewhat better now. Your boyfriend’s reaction seems to prove that he very much does care about you and that you are worth all the love and affection he brings your way. If you ever feel like that again, please talk to someone and let them know you’re struggling. It a difficult thing to admit you’re depressed but the burden is easier to carrier when there are more, trustworthy hands to carry it.
I understand. Both sides. I’ve been there, writing notes, planning my exit. But I couldn’t do it either, because even though the depression tried to tell me my family would get over it, I knew that they’d be grief-stricken.
I lived for 2 reasons;
1. My innate stubbornness and curiosity.
2. My family.
I thought if I had to be sad for them not to be as unhappy as I was, then I could survive for them. And I did, until I actually started to get out of the deep dark hole of depression and *lived*, not just survived.
It’s weird when you see your life as just part of an equation. I could die but then they would be sad. 1 sad person (me) vs several sad people. But I stayed, I survived, I lived. And I’m so glad I did. All the love I have in my life now, all the joy. All the things I thought I’d never be able to experience.
I wish you all the best. I hope you too get out of the deep dark hole of depression, you seem to be on the right track and I hope that continues. Set-backs are natural, it’s a part of life, but get through them and on the other side is just so much beauty and joy.
>He’s all I have and I’m all he has.
That’s not true either. There are many people that would be sad of you died, despite the fact that you’re obviously a fucking imbecile.
I’m happy that you’re still here, OP.
I promise you – you have more people that care about you and love you than you realize. I’m glad you didn’t listen to your suicidal thoughts.
Depression is an abusive liar. When you are depressed, your brain lies to you. Your boyfriend obviously loves you – and so do your parents and your siblings. I know that things can get hard, but I hope that you find the strength to remember that feeling like you have no other choice than to kill yourself is something that comes from fear and depression. There are always more things that you can do to make your life better, and there are always more people that would be hurt if you killed yourself than you realize.
Most importantly – you deserve to be here and alive.
Good luck, OP
It sounds a lot like your partner loves you and wants to be there for you. As hard as it was for him to find that note and for you to see the pain on his face, I am really glad that you’ve had the realisation that you both love each other dearly.
I encourage you both to talk about it. I can understand the desire to make it seem like no big issue in hopes it would alleviate his fears. I think rug sweeping the emotions you are both feeling now could be really damaging but sharing those feelings could be immeasurably helpful. For you both. Talk to each other. Show each other the feelings that lay beneath the surface. And create a coping plan together when you are feeling depressed to the point of suicidal ideation and when he is feeling scared and anxious about losing you.
You will both get so much stronger when you communicate and work together. I believe in you and I am *SO* glad you’re still here.
❤️ you are lucky to have someone who cares about you so much
Wonderful thing to hear, just dont get too attached to him cause something could happen to him and then you lose the only thing for you to keep going, Work on yourself first and foremost and realise that there are others who care and you have a long life left to live, Everything else, Especially your bf is just lovely bonuses, Take care
I’m so glad you didn’t go through with it, and it’s so good to have a partner / people around us who love and support us, and whom we can love and support.
I just would suggest you to not place the responsibility for your happiness and stability onto one person’s back, as that’s not really healthy, nor realistic. And you might not be doing that and I’m sorry if I’m assuming here, I just got a little worried at the, “he’s all I have” bit. People come and go, relationships come and go, even if we plan for a happily ever after, we never know what life brings our way. And it is possible to become strong and secure within ourselves so that we can truly enjoy relationships, yet also know that we’ll be OK should this person leave our life for whatever reason. And you deserve that inner security and self love.
All the best to you!
I’m glad you’re still here. My dads best friend, and someone who has been in my life since the day I was born, took his life two weeks ago today. His family is an absolute wreck and no one saw it coming. I hope you know that you aren’t selfish. Depression sucks and it will make you feel completely helpless and like the world would be a better place without you. It is not your fault that you had thoughts of taking your own life. I do hope that you are able to get therapy and talk to someone to best ensure that those thoughts don’t come back, and to have someone to go to if they do.
I lost a boyfriend many years ago. Suicide is a great way to fuck up the people you love, for life. Change everything in your life before you end it and then see if the change doesn’t make you feel better after all. Glad you didn’t have to go to extremes to see that life is worth living and the tough parts make the sweeter ones, that much sweeter.
That’s beautiful…. Truly cherish that knowledge and never let it go. Never forget that. It gets really hard when you forget that.
I don’t understand where a suicidal person is emotionally, so maybe I speak from ignorance. Please ask those who love you for help. I am the mother of a child who was suicidal. We found out in time and got him help. I am living with cancer, but going through this with our son was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I truly don’t think I could have gone on if we had lost him. Your loved ones love you very much and would be destroyed if anything happened to you. I’m so glad you’re here & I love you.
I know you were (are) hurting, but please get help. I know my partner has some ideations (he is in treatment) and it just eats me up inside. I love him so much–he is so wonderful–not just to me but to everyone around him. I just want the world to know that when one commits suicide, it is so hard on those left behind. I get the despair (have my own depression issues). But please, please, please to all of you out there feeling lost and alone–you are not, therapy and meds can help a lot, and life can and does change. A hug to you and yours.