My GF (30, F) and I (30,M) have been dating for a few years now and bought a house together. Things were great in the begining like usual but have taken a terrible turn for the worst. She constantly tells me I don’t listen or care about her and that I’m selfish. She tells me I don’t communicate well and I’m not emotionally supportive. She is scared to come to me with her feelings because she thinks I will just get mad and make it about myself. We fight all the time, usually ending with her leaving for hours. The issue I’m having with all of this is that in the time we have been together I have not changed who I am. I am the same person I was from day one but now all of the sudden everything I do is wrong. Every decision I make is wrong. I don’t clean or cook enough but the major issues is that she’s says I don’t communicate and all I do is argue my side when she doesn’t believe I have a side to argue. Now I am not the most caring person in the world it’s just not how I’m built. I don’t handle people crying well and I’d rather just remove myself from the situation. I have been able to communicate fine my entire life with other partners but maybe that’s just because none of those relationships were very solid to begin with. She tells me I’m not listening and I don’t understand or care about her. The problem with this is that I feel the same exact way about her. Everything she says to me I can repeat back to her, feeling the same way. I appologize to this woman daily and my self confidence is gone. She is a really good person and I’m now feeling like everything I do isnt good enough. My question is, am I just being blind to how terrible I am being or is it possible she’s always right and I am a constant fuck up. I don’t want to fight I never want to fight but we both get so heated it seems like no one will ever back down. So I always do. I feel so lost and stupid all the time. I walk on egg shells to not do something wrong and start a fight. She tells me she feels the same way, but I never complain about anything she does. I just want simple and laid back but everything seems to be such a huge deal all the time. What do I do. How do I fix this.
3 comments
Perhaps a psychologist could help , relationship counseling? Saying the old things u used to say to her when first met. That you still deeply care for her .
Please look into attachment theory and negative cycles. There’s nothing that says that you BOTH can’t feel this way, and the inability for either of you to truly listen, validate or empathize with the other’s experience is just backing you both in a corner and making you more defensive and less likely to listen.
It sounds like you don’t have a high emotional intelligence level. You should want to comfort your partner, not just cop out with “I’m not good with crying.” You shouldn’t be the same as when you first started dating, you should be better connected. It sounds like you don’t have the ability to be better connected – yet! I would definitely open yourself up to a closer connection with her, talk to her about it, and see a therapist