Not looking for answers…

I’m looking for honest input & feedback and value the variety of viewpoints from my fellow redditors; realizing that you’re only getting one side I’ll try to be as transparent as I can.

My wife would say I’m a deeply selfish person. Maybe I am, honestly, I’ve heard that for so long that I’m not sure where it lands on the “truth scale”. I generally suck with money and there have been times in our marriage I’ve lied about money. That was a terrible and traumatic time in many ways. It was deeply hurtful to her (as it should’ve been) and damaging for us. Man, I was so stupid. She says I’m extremely erratic and she never knows who I’m going to be each day. I feel like I’m on a pretty even keel except when she gets upset. During our fights, I’ve said hurtful things that I regret and hurtful things that are just true. We both have. During fights, she frequently accuses me of being like her dad in certain (bad) ways and not being like him in other (good) ways. There are a lot of triggers around dad stuff.

For most of her life, she’s had chronic health issues. The severity has ranged from feeling tired and achey with a headache for days to not being able to get out of bed for (sometimes) weeks. I’ve taken up all the household chores for years (she does some laundry and occasionally dusts). We’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars over the years and to whatever treatment might be “the one”, no matter the cost and I’ve been happy to do it. I just want her better, although she accuses me of liking her better sick.

I am an easy going guy, typically. I’m extroverted and have several good, close friends. She’s been pretty jealous in the past that friends come easy to me. They do not for her and she frequently can’t understand why people don’t seem to want to connect with her (I usually get a pointed comment at the end of such statements). She also says that she is waiting for “the king” to come out and love her and that he is shackled inside me somewhere guarded by parts of me that hate her. This is a part of me that she feels she has never seen consistently in our marriage, but she “knows he’s there” and most of my other parts are just out to manipulate and crush her, so she can’t trust what I say or do. She just “knows” when the king is there and she can let her guard down. I feel like she’s waiting on some fantasy guy while missing what’s in front of her. I try to see things from her perspective, but it just ends up so confusing and I’m not sure what to think.

Again, not looking for solutions, just opinions and input. And yes, we’ve tried counseling and frequently that has ended up a busy because the counselors are on “my side” and refuse to really try to understand her.