Not attracted to me??
So last month I 28 yo F found out my husband 27 yo M of 1 year actually slept with another woman last year when I was pregnant,when we were dating I caught him once flirting with another woman but we discussed it and eventually got passed it. Then after I had my son I found that he was saving random womens photos in his phone, but postpartum is a difficult time for everyone involved so again we had a discussion and things seemed to be getting better. Fast forward to now my husband is in counseling as he’s claimed “sex addiction” and would really like to try counseling to “save our marriage”. But I can’t help but feel like maybe he’s just not that attracted to me???, last night I asked if he’d ever cheated on a partner before me and he said no, and prior to me he dated someone that openly cheated on him many times, so I don’t understand why the cheating began with me? Idk is this a weird thought to have 😔
TL; DR: My husband has cheated many times and claims I’m the first relationship he’s been in where he’s cheated, this makes me feel like maybe he’s just not attracted to me physically??
9 comments
Has it occurred to you that maybe your husband is just an asshole and it has nothing to do with you and he lied about being cheated on in that previous relationship?
Honestly, there is a good chance he is lying. Cheaters behaviors rarely change especially serial cheaters. I would bet if you contacted his ex gf’s you will find he has a history of infidelity.
I doubt attraction to you is the problem. He may actually be telling the truth about his sex addiction.
I would seriously suggest couples therapy.
His cheating on you is not your fault, and it’s likely that he has cheated on other partners but doesn’t want to admit that to you.
Being cheated on if you really love and trust someone is abuse. It just is. Like all abuse saddly alot of times it can scar someone and create a cycle. He seems to want to change and I can’t begin to tell you if you should accept it and stay or not. I can tell you the odds are 99% that this has absolutely zero to do with attraction to you. I can also tell you that it’s 99.99% not a big part of it even if it is a tiny part.
When we get abused we form trauma bonds. We begin to feel like the abuse is a part of love even if we know logically how dumb that is. He is likely far more fucked up then he ever realized. There is also a chance all of this is true and he is just a lieing asshole. Cheaters don’t often admit they are cheaters.
This is not your fault, this is your husband’s fault. Whatever “reason” he might claim, he has made the **decision** to break your trust and treat you badly. If he’s not able to sustain long term attraction and/or fidelity, he shouldn’t be in a monogamous marriage; he should have let you go. He still should. His behavior isn’t okay, and shouldn’t be rewarded by you staying with him. He’s shown a pattern of behavior that is unlikely to change, and you should treat this like the dealbreaker it is.
men don’t always cheat purely for sexual attraction. something is missing between you two~ emotionally, spiritually, financially, intellectually and/or physically… it’s not only you or only him. you aren’t clicking…
He’s definitely cheated in the past.
He tells you he hasn’t probably for this exact reason. You spend time looking at yourself for flaws instead of focusing on his very obvious flaws.
And so it sounds like he’s “not a bad person”.
I used to date a cheater and I would try to remove all reasons for lying. “No it’s ok. I promise we won’t break up. We don’t even to talk about it. I just want to feel like I’m not going crazy. I just want to know if I can fix it.” And he’d give me earnest eyes and hold my hand and promise he wasn’t lying any more, that I knew everything he knew. But I mean, of course he was still lying. Because that’s just who he was.
He can’t have just suddenly developed a sex addiction. He’s just an asshole. Divorce him.
Therapy and counseling won’t change the fact he has cheated on you the entire time you’ve been together.
Sounds like he actually wants to change and is taking the initiative. A lot of people won’t admit their faults. Also sounds like he does have a sex problem you should ask his family if that’s true. Also, he probably didn’t communicate his needs. Have you thought about what have you done to make him feel like that? I will say men cheat only because there was something missing doesn’t have to do with not being attracted to you only to fill something that wasn’t given. If it the physical cheating happened multiple times then it would be an attraction issue. The fact that you are still with him shows deep down you want to make it work you just don’t know how. I believe you both need therapy individually and couples. From experience revenge hook-ups or affairs do not help repair marriages. I’m sure you both are frustrated sexually during this time period but do bonding things go to church, express your emotions and express your needs. If sex was the issue for the both of you maybe planning sex is better, you did mention their was a child so do it when they’re asleep or vacation something as long as it’s planned. Their are plenty of people that think people can’t change but you have to look within yourself and see if he’s actually changing for the good.