Me and bf have been dating for 3 years. 27F, 28M.
From the very beginning I was clear that I have good male friends, and that I am used to hanging out with mixed gender companies as friends. Initially, it was all good…. He even boasted himself how he has lots of female friends (from whom I only met one, never heard details about others…). I personally though, great, we will introduce each other’s friends, mb they find a match. He must get women if he has many female friend, awesome.
Couple months in, my bf makes it a problem about meeting male friend one on one saying this should change…. Saying he is being easy going on me now, but this would have to change … I am utterly confused and I express I don’t agree or understand his POV….
Fast-forward pandemic. Nobody going out anywhere… Found out he was having online affairs. He still wants us to be together… I tell him it will be hard work, I do become a bit FBI for a couple of months (asking him where he goes, who he meets etc) – sth I have never done for previous boyfriends. One messed up night he ended up hanging out with another woman until 5AM. I know nothing but friends hanging out until 5AM had taken place… But given what he has done, I did think the worse… He still expects me to take him back and I stupidly do cause I have feelings still for him…..
Fast forward I decide that I will stand up for what I believe in and it would be him who needs to get me. He is busy with project deadline. I am starting hanging out with friends as per my own terms and I write him long texts of paragraphs explaining who where I meet what we do. I want to give him the reassurance nothing is going on cause in my mind it’s just cause he never had friends like I do, that is why…..
He gets mad but he doesn’t break up with me; I tell him that I cannot live up to his expectations we can end things. He recovers next day, calling me baby, loving me…. I am thinking mb he sees it’s all good.
Fast forward .. he is finally done with his project, a free man. We are in distance. We have been postponing talking about issues because he is busy ….. I tell him I have plans on meeting friends this Friday evening (mixed gender company)… He breaks up with me because for whatever reason my value as a woman is decreased if I hang out in the evening, even more if I hang out in the evening with other men around……………
He still says he loves me. He says he was thinking of proposing to me.
But that I am not a real lady cause I think it is okay to hang out in the evening with friends that include male friends too….. He said he can compromise and let me meet then during the day, but not in the evening. Him being worried about me cheating is not the issue….. The issues is that despite everything he knows about me as a person, he claims he sees me as a life partner, he measures my value of who and when I hang out with just cause of their gender????
Thoughts??
tl;dr: bf claims he seems me as a life partner and yet ready to break up as soon as his project deadline is over
6 comments
He’s jealous and it doesn’t seem he is fulfilled or secure with your social ciricle. Has he communicated his needs and have your fulfilled them best you can as a couple?
>He breaks up with me because for whatever reason my value as a woman is decreased if I hang out in the evening, even more if I hang out in the evening with other men around……………
If he actually believes this is true, then you’re best off out of this relationship altogether. Value as a woman? Fuck right off, he sounds like a used car salesman.
I believe your behaviour with your friends is perfectly appropriate and it’s his insecurity he had to work on. To me, this is good riddance – you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t let you be the way you’re naturally set and you should not try to give up being able to have deep friendships with your male friends for anyone.
Compromises are to be made in a relationship of course, but not in the way you are with people close to you – if your partner has some bad experiences, transparency should be the solution(which you did), not giving up friends.
Just live your best life and find someone who is secure enough within themselves and trusts you so he can enrich your life rather than putting limitations on it.
So he cheats on you, and then gets jealous because he assumes you are doing the same to him. Good old projection. Leave him and find a guy who actually knows the difference between friends and hookups, and who won’t cheat on you at every opportunity.
He doesn’t trust you because HE is a cheater. I would not stay in this relationship.
He doesn’t trust you because he’s a cheater. Tell him to STFU. He doesn’t get to control your life YOU do. Stop trying to please him and do exactly as you want ,when you want and with whom you want and STOP apologising.
I promise you the less he controls you the faster he want to lock you down in marrige etc ( if thats what you want with this cheater/loser). Dump his ass and help come crying back in hours promising you the world, if he had better options he wouldn’t be trying to control you he wouldn’t care.