Since I (21f) was 15, I’ve had this friend, we’ll call him Evan. He and I have been best friends since the day we met. For most of high school, we were inseparable. We told each other everything, we cared for each other, made each other laugh, and I think we saw a great deal of ourselves in each other. I can genuinely say I’ve never had a friend as loyal as Evan. I don’t remember when exactly it was, but at some point in high school, I realized that I had feelings for him. I never told him, but only because we were both in separate relationships at different times and we unfortunately never synced up. We drifted apart briefly after high school but reconnected over social media about two years ago. It brought back so many feelings I had forgotten about, but at that point, he told me he had started dating a girl and he was happy with her, so I kept my feelings to myself out of respect for their relationship. Evan and I got into a routine of talking every day, whether it was texting or calling or Facetiming, or even responding to each other’s Instagram stories, and while my feelings were still strong, I decided to put them aside and just enjoy being his friend and having him in my life again.
Alex (26) and I started dating about a year ago, and all they know about Evan is that he’s a close friend of mine, but not about my feelings towards him. I didn’t feel the need to tell Alex because I was really trying to suppress the feelings I had for Evan, because he was dating someone and because I liked Alex and saw myself having a good future with them.
Fast forward to a week ago. I was walking home from work when Evan calls me and tells me he and his girlfriend broke up. I talked to him on the phone for nearly two hours and by the end of the phone call, I realized my dilemma. The feelings I’d had for Evan since high school had gotten stronger and I couldn’t hide them much longer. I started thinking about him all the time, stalking his Instagram page, and even making up fantasy scenarios with him in my head to help me sleep at night. I hate to admit it but some of these fantasies are of an erotic nature.
I have no idea how to talk about this with either Evan or Alex. I mentioned to Alex that I might want to take a short break from our relationship, which they’ve made clear is not something they would be open to. I really feel like I need a break just to figure out these feelings, and possibly even get some closure. Alex tells me that they don’t believe in taking breaks, and if I feel that I need one so badly we should just break up, but I don’t want to break up with them. I just can’t seem to decide if getting closure is worth losing my relationship with Alex, which I guess is the main issue here. In the meantime, I’m still with Alex, and Evan and I are still close friends.
So what do you think? Any advice is appreciated.
TLDR – I have feelings for someone else but I’m in a relationship, and can’t decide if the feelings are worth throwing away the relationship.
6 comments
Okay, I know you’ve gained your feelings back for your close friend. But be careful. His break-up might be great news for you, but I think you should think about everything thoroughly. We don’t even know if he has feelings for you, but now isn’t the time to wonder. He just got out of a fresh breakup. I don’t think it’s wise to explore that immediately. He’s been getting into other relationships, so there’s a chance he might not be into you like that, but who knows? You need to pay attention to the communication if it’s ever been flirty. You’ve known each other for years; you know his friendly side, but not him in a romantic sense.
And these intense feelings you have for him could be blocking the signs. It’s a really good friendship, and even though it’s good to take risks. It’s not good if you don’t at least think he could maybe like you back. But this could destroy your friendship with him as well. You never really got over him. I think you got into a relationship with Alex to move on from your crush.
If your feelings for a crush are stronger than the feelings you have for the person you’re in a relationship with, then something isn’t right. You should break up with Alex. There’s nothing to figure out with him. It’s not fair to Alex. Your partner should be able to move on. Whatever happens with your friend happens. It’s time to move on, regardless. Don’t try to hold onto him as a second option.
Edit: grammar
I mean forget Evan, if you’re even considering trashing a year long relationship for him then you’re already valuing it as worthless. Why would you want to be in such a relationship? If it was all you ever wanted and dreamed of you wouldn’t care at all what Evan was doing right now. To me it’s not fair to your current partner to be continuing the relationship if you’re even having these serious thoughts. In fact reading back your post now I don’t even see you once really say you *want* to keep Alex, just that you feel stuck basically because they’re not ok with a break. Just rip the bandaid
If you are even *considering* Evan, then your commitment and feelings towards Alex are insufficient and you should let him go. Even if you don’t pursue Evan afterwards, Evan’s breakup has simply highlighted that not everything with Alex is alright.
Anyway, if you can’t instantly decide between two men, if you don’t *know* who is right, then NEITHER of them is really right.
TLDR Break up, don’t date either of them
Evan is just looking for a booty call now he’s single.
He’ll be calling every girl he ever met.
Don’t kid yourself that you are his special dream girl.
Why throw something that you have away for the idea of something you might have with someone else?
If you have any respect for your relationship, or Alex, you’d break off communication with Evan as it’s unhealthy and honestly borderline cheating on your part.
However, given that you’ve already discussed a “break” with Alex he might make the decision for you and break up with you, I know I would if my gf ever brought up a break, so you might get your wish after all…
Sorry but I am going to be a little hard on you, in case you are lying to yourself, you are emotionally cheating.
And do you realize, in that wall of text of yours, not a single sentence is spent in consideration of how Alex would feel about this, how it would hurt them. So it is quite clear that you dont really care about your current partner, who devoted a year of their life to you, someone who put their trust in you.
Here is my advice, break up with alex and do whatever you want about evan, you clearly see Alex as an investment rather than a romantic partner, which is a problem unrelated to how you feel about evan.