UPDATE: My (27F) friend (27F) seems to enjoy finding ways to humiliate me

46 comments

1. Very few things in life are unconditional. Actions have consequences. So please do not let her guilt you into a relationship that is unhealthy for you by throwing around words like “unconditional love”

   Tell her that YES your love is conditional. You will not be sticking around if she continues to behave this way. But the fate of your friendship is completely within her control. She just needs to be a kind and good friend.

   There is power in demanding to be treated well. Embrace that power. Don’t let her guilt you. She knew exactly what she was doing

2. So she went from being bullied to becoming a bully.

   That’s pathetic.

   Humiliating your friend to see how unconditional the friendship is, is toxic. It says a lot about her as a person and people like her are draining and selfish.

   Glad you confronted her, and now it’s time to distance yourself. Realize she’ll turn the situationships and make herself the victim.

   Good on you for knowing your worth and knowing when to walk away! That takes strength.

3. >I don’t see why I should have to be treated like shit to make up for Mary’s parents and former friend being assholes.

   Exactly. And the fact that she denied what she was doing to start with, and only confessed when you pushed harder, is pretty fucking pathetic. I don’t have any sympathy for her. If she knows how much being bullied sucks, she should have *more* incentive not to put another person through it.

   Also:

   >She said she wanted to see how much I cared about her, as an affirmation that someone in her life did care for her unconditionally.

   She’s an adult, she should know this by now: there IS no such thing as unconditional love, and there shouldn’t be. The closest you get is the relationship between a parent and child, and that’s not infinitely unconditional either. If a relationship destroys you, it should end. If loving a specific person hurts you, eventually that love will die. Maybe unconditional love exists in the afterlife or with god or whatever, but while we’re alive we’re in a conditional world.

   **edit:**

   and finally – I’m not sure I believe her stated motivation. Most of the kind of pushing against love that happens in insecure relationships is unconscious, if she was really aware of why she was doing these horrible things, she should be aware enough to recognize that testing a good friend like that is utter bullshit. I think that may be *part* of her motivation, but a good part of it is the dopamine rush she gets from exerting power over another person.

   I’m also disturbed by her attempt to incite pity from you when she finally “came clean”:

   >“After listening for almost twenty-five years to the stories my patients tell me about sociopaths who have invaded and injured their lives, when I am asked, “How can I tell whom not to trust?” the answer I give usually surprises people. The natural expectation is that I will describe some sinister-sounding detail of behavior or snippet of body language or threatening use of language that is the subtle giveaway. Instead, I take people aback by assuring them that the tip-off is none of these things, for none of these things is reliably present. **Rather, the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.**” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

4. One would think that she would treat the only person who always had her back with some respect & love. But instead she turned into a bully & made you feel miserable.

   I also don’t really see any remorse from her side, she’s using her past trauma as excuse for her shitty behavior. Because tbh as a bully victim herself, she should know how not to behave around people you care about.

   I’m glad you stood up for yourself & that you start to rethink this entire friendship. You deserve someone who respects & appreciates you.

5. Wow, so Mary took the trauma she experienced and did it to the only person treating her with kindness. She sounds like someone who should do some introspection and work on herself, preferably far away from you,

6. Gaslighting is not boundary pushing or affirming. It is abusive.

   She told you straight up lies you had impulse to believe on merit of her being your friend. You were doubting yourself. If you peed on the floor without noticing, it would point to health issue and probably concerned you besides embarrassing you.

   That is very toxic indeed.

   I would put some distance to that person. Being tested or played with is not acceptable behaviour.

7. No one’s love is unconditional because it would require there being no boundaries. Boundaries are good and healthy, and loving someone also doesn’t require accepting specific types of treatment or forgiving them.

   I think her excuse that she’s ‘testing you’ is BS. Whether subconscious or not she wanted to hurt you. Maybe because she doesn’t feel she deserves the type of friendship you two have, maybe jealousy over something else – it doesn’t really matter the why. It matters that she did it.

   I’d personally take a massive step away from her. You might in time feel you can resolve it if she does work on changing but there’s no need to subject yourself to smoothing things over for her sake or worse – more of this shitty behaviour

8. Some people don’t like to admit they were a victim in a situation. So when they’re a situation with power, they start behaving like the people who abused them. Thus becoming an abuser and repeating the cycle.

   Mary sounds like one of these people. Her way of being grateful that you are the only person in her life who isn’t abusive & gives unconditional love and support was to abuse you and test exactly how badly she could treat you. That’s not ok. You deserve better friends. The bullying experiences Mary went through with her family and former friends aren’t an excuse. She chose to behave like them instead of becoming more empathetic.

9. My guess is she is acting this way because she has always been the underdog and the bullied person, but with you she is not. Since you act emphatic towards her, some very hurt part of her thinks (subconsciously) that “perhaps its finally her turn to be the powerful one”.

   She bullies you because that makes her feel powerful. Or because she is so used to fucked up-dynamics that she can’t understand a normal healthy friendship.

10. I think it’s good Mary admitted to it. Did she seem remorseful? Did Mary come up with a plan to work on her behavior? Is she open to therapy?

    Honestly it sucks but what Mary is doing is normal given her past situations. People in abusive homes and friendships can pick up those toxic and abnormal behaviors (sometimes referred to as fleas). Some people don’t lash act cruelly but are still effected by it.

    I think it’s good you had that conversation with Mary. It’s OK if you need to take space or end the friendship. Her actions have consequences. Even if she gets better , things may not be the same again and that’s OK.

11. Stop having anything to do with Mary. She was never your friend and will never be your friend. If you keep seeing her, she will find other ways to hurt you. True friendships do not use tests. Neither do romantic relationships so stay far away from anyone who thinks tests are ok.

12. You’re not her friend. You’re her chewtoy. Keep some distance from this person. They don’t value you as you do them

13. You shouldn’t. Unfortunately Mary has turned out just like her parents.

14. Just tell her you’ve thought a lot about what you talked about last time and you don’t appreciate being tested. Set a hard standard, she will never test you again. That’s the boundary of the friendship. She should feel extremely lucky that you are putting up with it because she was also testing how shitty of a person she could be. If she so much as tries to test you again considered he friendship done.

15. And she is full of shit

16. A true friend doesn’t do this!!

17. No relationship is unconditional. She treated you exceedingly poorly and the relationship suffered, exactly as you would expect.

18. Thank you for the update. Internet stranger, we’ve never met, but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. I remember the original post: ‘chocolate caliente’.

19. Cheers to you for having the conversation!

20. Sis, please end this friendship. She is straight up manipulating you now. This behavior will not end.

    I’d call her and straight up tell her that you need to come over and talk with her. There, tell her how angry you are. Tell her that boundary testing is one thing but her behavior was cruel and you have lost your trust in her as a friend. Gas lighting, lying, manipulating, humiliating… those are not boundary testing. They are bullying, toxic and cruel. Not the behaviors of ANYONE you want in your life.

    She is a bully. Without SERIOUS therapy she is not going to change.

21. She needs to seek therapy. It so sad that she feels she can be a crappy friend to the one person who has genuinely cared about her. You have every way to feel the way you do.

    Maybe try telling her how you feel once you’ve had a chance to cool down

22. Given Mary’s unstable family situation, and this toxic friendship she had, it’s very possible that she has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. “Testing” relationships in the way she did is def a thing people with BPD do because they’re afraid of abandonment. (Certainly I’m not expert and I could be wrong about this.)

    Not that that’s necessarily your problem. You don’t need to be friends with Mary if you’re put off by this. Just wanted to give some context that might help you understand this dysfunctional behavior a little better.

23. She literally said she’s testing how much abuse you’ll take from her.

24. So she is allowed to dump her toxic friend who abused you, but you’re supposed to stay and put up with it when she becomes the abuser ?

    Cus she either 100% believes you have to love unconditionally or she doesn’t, she can’t complain about her toxic friendship while guilting you into staying in a toxic friendship.

25. It’s not uncommon for people to go from being bullied to becoming the bully, but she needs professional help. Personally, I’d write a letter to her explaining how she made you feel and that you believe she needs help to work through everything. I’d at least distance myself from her while she gets the help she needs. You don’t deserve to be her victim.

26. That logic on her part is bonkers, OP. You should definitely let this one go. Who the FUCK thinks it’s okay to repeatedly lie to embarrass people? That is not adult behavior. Tell her she’s pushing 30 and you hope she grows up enough not to do that to her next friends.

27. She sounds like a very broken person, but it’s not your job to heal her or prove anything to her. I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like that. If you plan to stay friends you need to set a hard boundary that this kind of thing never happens again. Be prepared to walk away if it does, she needs to learn.

28. I’m so glad to read this. It sucks that she treated you like that but you’re right, you’re not a doormat for her to wipe her feet on. It sucks that she had a shitty upbringing but it’s not your responsibility to fix and it was really messed up of her to do that to you. Don’t blame you for distancing yourself from her, I would do the same thing.

29. Tell her point blank:
    “I’ve done some thinking after our talk and I realized that you gave me a lot of excuses for the way you treated me and never actually apologized or showed remorse, just defensiveness.

    Genuinely, I am hurt. You said you wanted to check that our friendship was ‘unconditional’ and I want to tell you that it was conditional on having mutual consideration and respect. I have always done my best to give you that, you deliberately disrespected me and our friendship, you disregarded my feelings and dismissed them when I confronted you about how you’ve been acting.

    You went from being bullied, to being the bully. I’m still willing to be your friend, but until you prove that you’re no longer going to treat me like others have treated you, I don’t think I will be able to spend as much time with you as I have been, and going forward I will have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior from you towards me.”

    And stick to your guns.
    Personally, I wouldn’t even give her a second chance, but I worded this based on the fact that you seem to want to.

30. She belongs to the streets.

31. When everyone in her history was just a big meanie who was mean mean mean, that’s… made up.

    Also no diagnosis but this is a classic symptom of a personality disorder.

    Just distance yourself and be on the lookout for these patterns in the future.

    I guarantee fit the next person you will also be a big meanie who is mean in future stories. Be ready for that and don’t internalize it. She has to think this, it’s her survival, but it doesn’t mean you have to deal with it.

32. Friendship isn’t about “testing” the other, or making the other person feel bad just so you can feel secure. She’s not your friend at all.

33. No relationship is unconditional

34. Congratulations OP you where gaslighted.

    This cow ain’t your friend.

35. No healthy relationship is unconditional and that should never be the bar you measure your dedication with.

    It sounds like she’s only ever experienced relationships with an unhealthy dynamic of bully and victim, so in the event that she found one in which she didn’t have to be the victim, she became the bully, because in her mind everyone is one or the other.

    That is not your responsibility to accept, and while it may feel cruel, asserting your boundaries and refusing to accept her behaviour will probably help her in the long run to realise that not all relationships have that dynamic.

    Whether you continue the friendship is up to you, but for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t do so without a sincere apology and acknowledgment that her behaviour was wrong and unfair, both in her actions and her dismissal of your disagreement.

36. Mary is full of crap and she was probably always the bully

37. Is she willing to get therapy about this

38. She views you as a pushover. She can do or say anything to you and you will still be around. I strongly suggest for your own self esteem and respect, that you end that relationship.

    I’ve ended friendships of over 20+ years. People move on and you make new friends. Time to reflect on why you’d even consider being around that toxicity, never mind inviting it into your life.

39. Mary needs to go to therapy

40. Wow. So she saw you were good to her, and decided to see how much she could abuse you before you stood up for yourself? What an incredibly shorty “friend”.

    This may be learned behavior, but there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for training yourself into more healthy patterns.

    Edit: meant to add – I’m sorry your friend chose to behave in these ways.

41. It can be helpful in some ways to learn that your abuser was themselves abused, but that does not mean you should stay in the abusive relationship!

42. She has changed the narrative from you being hurt to her…. Get rid of her, u will be so much happier

43. Welp, she gaslighted you coming and going. Screw Mary, she’s a narc.

44. She might have borderline personality disorder. They tend to test boundaries and push people away to test if they will still have a relationship with them. Tell them to consider speaking with a therapist or psychiatrist. Just know that it is very difficult to have relationships with people with this disorder. Not excusing or justifying her behavior but it could be that

45. Mary is a narcissist. Imagine telling your friend you are mean to them because you want to see how mean you can be to them just for the sake of seeing how much you can shit on them until there are consequences. Give her the names of a few therapists and tell her deuces. I know you evidently and perplexingly want to keep this friendship but Mary is not a healthy friend for you and your mental health and emotional well-being is something YOU should care about. Mary sure as heck doesn’t

46. Nothing should be unconditional relating to your friends. Anyone who demands that is just waving a giant red flag that says ‘I’m going to be an asshole at some point so you’ll just have to suck it up and accept it’.

    Your reply should be ‘fuck that’.