First, a bit of background: My husband (M/35) and I (F/33) have been together for 8 years, married for 3. It’s a pretty happy marriage and generally, we get along great. We see eye-to-eye on most things, are both child free and career minded, we love to travel and agree on housework and the division of labor (I do cooking and trash, he does dishes and laundry, once a week we partner up to clean the apartment top to bottom). It’s a good arrangement and over all, we are both very happy.
However, there is one issue that keeps coming up, and it has brought me here today because I would really like some advice on how to handle it better.
Despite our similarities, we have two key differences as they pertain to this recurring issue: 1, he is a meticulous planner and can get anxious if plans don’t go his way, while I am a lot more easy going and 2, he usually eats one big meal for the entire day, sometimes breakfast as well but never any snacks, whereas I rarely eat a lot in one sitting and prefer to graze and eat small portions frequently throughout the day.
Usually, it’s not an issue. We’ll go out to eat and I’ll take half of my meal to go, I’ll finish it later or the next day while he cleans his plate.
However… whenever meals have to do with plans, his anxiety enters into it and we end up arguing and I end up crying, then he will apologize more to end the fight and because he doesn’t like to see me cry than actually understanding the issue and it will repeat. I’ll give an example, the one that brings me here.
My birthday is in two weeks. We had planned to take a nice long weekend and drive up the Maine coastline to hopefully see some fall foliage and get chowder at this little place we love that closes at the end of September. He rented a little cottage on AirBnB and we were both very much looking forward to it, but fate conspired against us TWICE.
First, our dog sitter texted to say she and her fiance were moving to Canada in 2 weeks, so she wouldn’t be able to watch our greyhounds as planned. We started looking for new sitters, but our boys are special needs so we weren’t having much luck, especially in that tight a time-frame.
Then, he received word that he’d have to travel for business the day before my birthday, to meet an important client. So there really was no workaround, my birthday trip would have to be postponed.
I was disappointed, but I understood. It was sad for both of us that we’d likely miss the foliage and our chowder place would close up for the season without us having a bowl. He promised he would figure out something fun to make up for it, and I made plans with friends for while he was away in Wyoming.
This being labor day weekend, we both have today off, so he surprised me with a day trip up the coast for chowder. Very sweet of him and I was super excited.
We left early in the morning for the 6 hour drive and grabbed breakfast on the way. I ordered a coffee and three donuts, planning to eat them along the way. Somehow, I only ended up with one. That’s important.
So we’re driving and while the leaves haven’t changed yet, the scenery is lovely and we are chatting about how much fun it would be to retire up this way someday, things are good.
We see signs for a little farm that mention fresh peaches. I absolutely adore peaches, so I ask if we can make a quick detour.
The place is adorable, I buy some preserves and a peck of peaches, and I notice a sign saying they have fresh peach ice cream “the best you’ve ever tasted or your money back.” I ask for a sample, and it is absolutely the best peach ice cream I have ever had. I eagerly order a small container (two scoops). My husband asks if I want a lid for the container. I tell him no, I’m fine without one. We go over to the checkout area and he asks me if I want him to see if they have ice packs or a cooler. I tell him once again, no I am fine.
We get back in the car and I start eating my ice cream. I’ve had one donut all day and we’ve been driving for almost 4 hours, so I’m a little hungry. I eagerly dig into my ice cream.
Husband asks if I would like him to pull over so we can get the insulated hot/cold bag we keep in the trunk. I tell him no, I’m fine.
I get about halfway through my ice cream and he loudly asks me to “Please stop eating that!”
I ask what his problem is and he says that he’s worried I won’t have room for the chowder he’s driving me 6 hours for and 6 hours back just to get. I tell him I’m fine, that I only had one donut instead of the three I had planned, and that we still have 2 hours to go before we get there. Ice cream is mostly liquid anyway and he wouldn’t care if I were drinking something instead of eating a small cup of ice cream.
He irritably gripes that “I always do this” and that I “constantly ruin my meals by snacking all the time” in a way that comes across as really hurtful.
I didn’t have the best upbringing, he knows this. I used to get slapped for not cleaning my plate as a child, he knows that, too. It took me years to get over the feeling of guilt and just general badness when I didn’t finish all my food. I’m just so much more comfortable eating smaller amounts throughout the day. I don’t like feeling very full, I guess.
I couldn’t stop myself, I wasn’t trying to be dramatic, but I teared up. I put the rest of my ice cream in the cup holder and turned to look out the window.
He noticed of course, and apologized, but I know it wasn’t because he understands that I know my own body and could happily have eaten two scoops of ice cream and a big bowl of chowder with oyster crackers two hours later, it was because he wanted me to stop crying and he doesn’t like arguments.
I know his anxiety around wanting to plan this awesome surprise for me and worrying that I was going to ruin it by not being hungry when we got there (because HE wouldn’t have been!) is what drove him to snap like that, and I tried to explain to him that he needs to trust me, that I know how much I want to eat and I know what his plan was, and that it didn’t make sense to me that he planned this amazing day to make me happy, and instead of letting me enjoy my surprise peach ice cream and being happy, that it turned into me crying and my ice cream melting into a puddle and it didn’t have to happen. He asked if we could just “move on” so I let it go. But I can’t help but feel unresolved.
We’ve had this same argument before, almost verbatim. We have dinner plans, or it’s a holiday, or there’s a party or function where there will be food, etcetera and if I have anything at all to eat even hours before hand, he’ll get annoyed and snap at me that I’m going to spoil my appetite or that I won’t be hungry for dinner. I don’t like being “hungry”. I hate that feeling! I am so much happier keeping a more even level of snacks and small meals during the day so I never have to feel overly hungry or overly full. I don’t see what’s so wrong about not finishing everything or asking for the rest of my meal to go. It’s not like I would have eaten that much more chowder if I hadn’t had any ice cream than if I had finished it anyway.
So I ask you, Reddit, what can I do?
TL;DR: My husband and I have different eating habits and it leads to disagreements and frustration.
36 comments
What is he doing to work on his control issues surrounding food?
This sounds like a him issue entirely. He needs to work on that somehow because it may seem like a small thing, but it really isn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong.
My wife and I have a rule: We don’t try to parent each other. Your husband has his patterns and preferences, that’s fine. What he needs to chill out about is trying to force you to use his patterns. You are an adult. If you choose to indulge and eat ice cream before the meal, that’s only a problem if you’re becoming unhealthy, or maybe setting a bad example for children.
When he’s calmed down, I might ask him, “Why does it bother you if I don’t eat exactly as you do?” Or, “Why do you think it’s okay to treat me like a child about my eating habits, when I’m an adult?”
So you tell him no, you can’t move on, because you need to hear that he understands what you’re saying and you expect him to tell you how he intends to change his behavior. Does he need therapy? A rubber band to snap on his wrist? A muzzle? Because he ruined both of your day and it isn’t the first time, and there’s no reason to believe it will be the last if you both just “move on.”
It’s your body. He simply cannot keep commenting about what you put in it and when. It’s *your body*. What is he going to do to ensure that he stops this intrusive, harmful behavior?
So many issues here.
(eat small portions frequently throughout the day) I read this is better for you than one large meal.
His attitude shows he has issues . Did he come from a large pack family? Where the faster you eat the better chance you had to survive?
The fact he can not talk about this without an argument and making you cry. He is 35 and this is the best he can do?
Look life is short (eat desert first)!
There’s some good advice here, but I suggest you both get marriage counseling together and separately, and maybe therapy for both separately. The counseling will be a good resource and space to have these conversations instead of just ignoring them, the counselor and help you find the words he might be able to get through his blinders. Therapy might be able to help with your trauma around eating, but make no mistake, he is entirely in the wrong and should not dictate or get so bent out of shape about what you consume and when, and needs to learn how to let it go and that it’s very hurtful to you and your relationship. I’m not suggesting therapy to “fix” you for your husband, I suggest it to further heal from your trauma for yourself if you haven’t considered it yet. Best wishes ♡
Why doesn’t he trust you to know your own body? You’re 33, you know how much you can eat before you ‘spoil’ a meal, and you know that you prefer to snack rather than only eat one huge meal (which btw eating smaller meals more often is way better for your metabolism). It sounds like he has some serious trauma that’s making him have control issues around this. If my husband policed me like this, he wouldn’t be my husband anymore.
I love peach ice cream. I love chowder. Just reading this turned me off both, so I can’t imagine what your day has been like.
[But wasn’t it like noon when you wrote this? How could you have possibly ruined your dinner that early?]
There is a saying, “Don’t yuck my yum,” which is more about not giving your unnecessary opinion or pulling faces when someone is eating something you find weird or gross that they love. But it works here, too.
You don’t have diabetes or major food allergies or an eating disorder. What does he care if you have ice cream for breakfast or will only eat red meat on Tuesdays? HOW THE FUCK is any of this non-weirdness affecting him?
He didn’t present you with your birthday surprise of a 6-course tasting meal only to find you horking down a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos 30 minutes prior.
Why is an otherwise nice guy wrecking a day trip, a birthday surprise and a fun outing over whether or not you should be eating PEACH ICE CREAM?
You are 33yo. Eat your fricking ice cream. First, because you are old enough to do this if you aren’t as big as a house or messing with your health. Second, bc you are young enough where that might not always be the case.
Who ruins a whole day over homemade ice cream on your birthday trip?
Tell him to stay in his lane and quit telling you what you want or don’t want.
This is his problem. Not your problem.
This is something he needs to fix about himself. He needs to first see it as a problem. He has control issues. He does not get to police your food. Ever.
It sounds like he has some kind of eating disorder. He has decided on OMAD style of eating. That’s fine. He can’t force that on you.
If watching you eat makes him uncomfortable he needs to deal with it in therapy. It’s not fair to dictate to you when you eat, what your eat, how much you eat. That’s for you to determine. Bodily autonomy.
Tell him you’re not putting up with his issues around food for another 8 years. If he has actual concerns about your weight or your health, address them and not the food you eat.
That’s so strange. Your husband clearly knows that talking to you in this manner will result in hurting you and won’t change your behavior, but he keeps doing it. I wonder what he gets out of it? Does making you cry relieve his anxiety or something? Weird. Also, not sure I buy that he’s too stupid to understand why his behavior is hurtful.
Sounds like your husband has general anxiety disorder. He needs therapy/meds to deal with it. It is HIS problem not yours.
He won’t be able to articulate why it bothers him so much. That’s GAD.
Edit: I say this because he clearly loves you. And he hasn’t been able to stop this behavior. He can’t stop it on his own.
All I can tell you is that upon occasion I eat Ice Cream for dinner. When it is really hot and I just dont have an appetite for food, I cheat and akip the food in favour of a little ice cream. My neighbor and I do this about 3 times every summer. One of us knocks on the other’s door and we go get ice cream. It seems pretty normal to me
Your husband’s control issues are his issues that he needs to take responsibility for.
You two are stuck in a pattern; him feeling entitled to control your eating habits, which triggers your childhood trauma and causes an emotional shutdown on your part.
Break the cycle. You know this is going to happen again and you noticed the small efforts he made to control your ice cream before demanding you stop eating it. Next time, call him out firmly the moment he starts this nonsense.
Him: “Are you sure you don’t want a lid?”
You: “Yes I’m sure. I’m an adult who can make her own choices when it comes to food. We’ve discussed this before, and I do not like it when you try to control my eating behaviors. Please stop trying to police my meals.”
Don’t let it get to the point where you reach an emotional outburst and shut down. Shut him down before it gets that bad and demand the respect and autonomy you deserve.
He views your relationship as father-daughter and that is troubling. Within this context, he has serious control issues.
I truly understand your frustration. My grandma used to do this to me whenever I visited her. She’d hem and haw if I ate anything between breakfast and dinner. She finally quit micromanaging my eating habits after I fainted from low blood sugar.
Your situation is several levels of ridiculous higher because you’re an ADULT and your partner is treating you like a small child. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I think you communicated the problem well (that he needs to trust you). The only thing I can think to do at this point is marriage counseling.
Umm this sounds like his problem he needs to work on and have therapy. My husband would not try to parent me. We have 2 kids, I’m not one of them. You are an adult.
That’s a major red flag for me. Since you have already married the guy. Just tell him you will eat as you please and don’t bring it up again or there will be a bigger issue
He has issues around food and he’s thrusting them onto you every time he does shit like this.
It’s not normal to be this regimented around food and the fact that he can’t seem to help himself in how he reacts to you eating normally despite knowing it upsets you tells me that he’s got issues. Either that or he’s just a cruel and controlling person.
I’d speak to him again and put your eating habits off limits for him. He’s no longer allowed to comment. Full stop. If seeing you eat ice cream makes him upset, he needs to deal with that with a therapist, not by making you cry.
You hit the nail on the head when you said he apologizes because he wants the confrontation to stop, not because he’s sorry.
You need a “this stops now” conversation. You can say it with words. You can say it with action.
But you need to say – from here on out – his rights to his beliefs about how to eat end at your body. If he tries to cross that boundary, there will be (clearly explained) consequences that you, OP, need to stick to.
I can’t help but suspect he has an issue with your weight, since he is so obviously bothered by how often you eat.
Did he plan this day for him or for you? Because if it was for you, he should want you to do whatever the hell makes you happy.
My ex husband did this. He never realized how patronizing it was. He even did it to me in line at the grocery store in front of the cashier. I left his ass there.
Eating should never be to someone else’s standards, especially if you have past trauma involving food. He knew this about me just as well as yours knows about you.
Tell him to cut it out. Point blank. He is not your parent. You are not 5 years old.
Some men would rather make their wives cry over ice cream then get therapy.
Your husband needs therapy.
Maybe go to therapy together and read this whole post out loud when you’re there.
You’re an adult. My five year old asks me if it’s fun being an adult and I always tell her, “ the best part is I can have ice cream for breakfast if I want.”
Not for nothing too, you were going for chowder…not a 20oz steak eating competition. I’m sure you’d have room for both.
I’m sorry he upset you, and this continues to be a problem. Maybe have a long chat about it when you feel up to it. He should absolutely not be that angry about what you eat, anxiety or not. If he’s not already getting some help, he should, life doesn’t always go as planned and a pit stop for ice cream is like, the least amount of curve ball life can throw at you.
My biggest problem here is that your husband thinks the ice cream will stay frozen…
Let him know that he’s acting like your dad, not your husband.
His anxiety is leading him to being a controlling asshole. Does he need some therapy?
How were his parents around snacks/meals etc, when he was young? Did he get shouted at if he tried to eat between meals? Was he conditioned as a child to believe there is something morally wrong with snacking? We’re meals a stressful thing in his childhood home?
>I know it wasn’t because he understands that I know my own body and could happily have eaten two scoops of ice cream and a big bowl of chowder with oyster crackers two hours later, it was because he wanted me to stop crying and he doesn’t like arguments.
Your stomach. Your business.
His anxiety doesn’t trump your bodily autonomy.
I hope he finally gets this because this kind of stuff can be a poison.
I think you have to be crystal, crystal clear that he needs to keep his nose OUT of what you are eating, when and how.
So maybe when y’all are not in a high anxiety tiff, ask him why he feels like he always has to have the final say.
Then shut up. Do not break eye contact.
His anxiety likely keeps him from realizing that he’s being controlling.
After he answers, which will probably be something like, “I don’t”, ask him how what and when you eat directly affects him.
Then shut up. Don’t break eye contact.
He will probably spew ridiculous jargon that, if you just let him keep talking, will cause him to understand just how ridiculous he’s being.
Any interruption from you will cause this to fail and you’ll end up in the exact place you are now.
Your husband sounds absolutely exhausting to deal with.
“he wanted me to stop crying and he doesn’t like arguments” was a huge red flag for me. You cannot have a healthy relationship without healthy arguments and resolutions.
Tell him never to comment on your weight, eating habits or food choices again, and to find a therapist for the eating disorder he is projecting onto you.