My husband(M32) and I (F32) are high school sweethearts. We have been together over 16 years, married for 4. We moved to a new country about 2 years back and have been hard at work trying to build a life for ourselves.
My husband is a single child and his mother is a widow.
His mother was living in India taking care of her mother until February. When grandma passed away, my husband immediately told her to come and live with us in Canada.
To be honest, I was not happy with this.
My husband has had a very complicated family life. He grew up in a house with his parents and grandparents. His parents were largely absent, neglectful and treated him as a weapon in their fights with each other. From a very very young age my husband took on the role of peacekeeper in the house. His parents fights would quickly devolve into physical violence. When he was younger than 12-the cycle of abuse would be that father beats mom and mom comes and beats child.
Once he crossed puberty, he would get in between his mom and dad and protect her.
From the time he was born, he has been used by his mom as provider/bodyguard/therapist/ friend/ whatever she wanted.
Through all this, my husband received nothing back from her. No appreciation/parenting/anything. Another very unpleasant truth to mention here, when my husband was around 4-5 years old, a friend of hers behaved inappropriately with him. He told her about it and she did not believe him. He finally told his grandfather about it and his grandfather kept him safe.
I really could not understand why he wanted her to live with us, but he felt this is a part of his journey.
As we think about having children of our own, my husband felt forgiving his mother and re-writing the relationship would heal him and prepare him to be a parent.
About 2 weeks ago- my husband and I had a huge fight.
Instead of sitting it out and giving us our space and privacy to resolve the issue, my MIL decided to sit my husband down and talk to him about everything we are doing wrong.
My husband totally lost it. He screamed at her in a way I have never seen before. He used very harsh words and basically said “When you were my age, your husband and you were beating each other up in your father’s spare bedroom. Dont you dare come into my house and pretend like you are in any position to tell others how to live”.
My husband was a bit harsh, but she escalated it further and brought up incidents from the past and that was still okay- till she started criticizing me and our marriage.
My husband was pretty much done at this point and told her “How dare you come after my marriage? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE”
She packed up all her suitcases and got picked up by a childhood friend.
My husband is at peace, he sleeps like a log, he smiles easier and he never wants to hear about her again.
I am worried that I have alienated him from his only surviving family.
35 comments
OP. Stop.
You did not alienate him from his family.
He, the grown man that he is, decided he no longer wants his mother’s toxic influence in his life and that is the fair consequence of HER behaviour.
You did nothing. This is on her.
Stand by his decision and resist any urge you may have of playing peacekeeper yourself.
> My husband is at peace, he sleeps like a log, he smiles easier and he never wants to hear about her again.
Sounds great!
> I am worried that I have alienated him from his only surviving family.
I don’t see where you did anything at all.
So your post is about how your husband’s mother is a horrible person, who abused him since childhood, and there was no good reason why he wanted her in his life at all. And then he finally cuts her off, and you’re like, “OH I MADE THIS HAPPEN, SHE WAS SO WONDERFUL AND SUCH A GOOD PART OF HIS LIFE AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT HE MADE HER LEAVE.”
You see why this makes no sense, right?
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong if this is all accurate information.
He tried to do right by her even after she’d been awful by inviting her to stay.
She tried to intervene in something that was none of her business and with a subject that he witnessed her being abysmal at.
You never asked her to leave.
You never asked him to cut her off.
Try and sleep easy, too. Hope you and your husband got your stuff resolved. X
Don’t do anything. This was never your issue. Your husband is happy without her in his life. Your job as his wife us to enjoy his happiness. Never bring her up again.
You’re worried you alienated him from an abuser? That’s weird. My suggestion is not make this situation thats not about you, about you.
Leave it alone as this was a long time coming and she deserved every bit of what she got. She did this to herself and is extremely toxic and should’ve been kicked out of both your lives a long ass time ago. He’s fine and at peace for the first time in a very long time if ever and he deserves it.
Just follow his lead and give him all the love he deserves. You have nothing to feel guilty about as you both deserve the peace.
Dude No. As someone who doesn’t talk to his parents, often times, going past the breaking point is actually a blessing. Often we tolerate the unhappiness just because we are used to it, where someone toxic has always been part of our lives and we just accept it because theyve always been there.
But when you snap, and see their absence, and see how much happier you are. The “only surviving family” isn’t important. If she is toxic, the fact that shes the only one doesn’t make her less toxic. If he is happier because of 1 less shitty person, no reason to take away his happiness for the sake of the shitty person.
OP, you had literally nothing to do with this. This was between your husband and his mother, and if he’s happy with this outcome, you’re allowed to be happy with it too. Honestly your husband is awesome, good for him for standing up for himself. 💜
>I am worried that I have alienated him from his only surviving family.
You did nothing wrong. This was completely between them. Your husband enforced his boundaries, and did a great job of doing so. Seems like it was a long time coming.
My advice is to let it be.
You didn’t do anything!! Husband finally was able to see his mom for the horrible person she is, and he got to clear years of abuse from himself!!
Go give hubby a hug and the 2 of you promise to communicate better with one another!!
((HUGS))
You’ve done nothing wrong. Neither has he. You said yourself, he’s finally at peace. He needed this break. Support him.
Your husband brought his Mom to live with you out of a sense of duty. When she disrespected your marriage, fought with him and then left, he was relieved because he tried. No guilty conscience. His Mom alienated herself from him not the other way around.
Your husband just done the one thing he’s wanted to do since he was a child, stand up to his toxic mother. YOU haven’t done anything, your husband finally stood up for himself and is feeling more free than he probably ever has before. Like you said he sleeps better, smiles more and is over all happier. Enjoy life together and know neither of you alienated anyone, it was all her.
Finally he is free dont try to change it, Mother is someone that cares and loves her child, if this woman did this to your husband she never really loved him just used, this is the perfect time to cut ties like these, you did nothing wrong and this is the best outcome.
Sounds loke his mother alienated herself by reaping what she has sown over the years.
You did not do this. Your mother in law did this to him years ago, he’s finally made peace with it and decided there’s no room for her in he’s life now. No guilt on either of you, only on the MIL.
Best of luck to you and yours!
You haven’t done anything, and just because she’s the only remaining family doesn’t mean he has to have her in his life. She tarnished his childhood, he’s done his best to work past that for their sake and he had hope of a better relationship with her, he even invited her to live with you two, but she showed him she’s still the same vile person she always was and he’s realised it. That’s all this is. The man is at peace because he has truly accepted he has done all he can and it just isn’t meant to be. He’s happy with this so leave it be, it’s not your issue and you shouldn’t try to mend bridges. Be happy he’s happy, finally he’s free and that’s worth smiling about.
>My husband is at peace, he sleeps like a log, he smiles easier and he never wants to hear about her again.
Then don’t ever mention her again. He’s finally happy and free. I don’t understand what your issue is with him being happy. Are you saying that you want her to come back into your lives and make him miserable? I’m confused.
As I see it, your husband invited your MIL to get a closure to his awful childhood — and when MIL attacked your relationship, he got that closure, just in a different way.
Nothing wrong with this, and you needn’t do a thing. Your husband seems happy? Be happy with him, for him.
OP your husband finally recognized how toxic his mother is and gave her the boot. You should be resting easier as well.
I would encourage you to get some therapy since you seem to think you are the cause of this problem, which you aren’t. In addition, you should be aware that having kids can cause childhood traumas to resurface so your husband should probably consider talking to a therapist or perhaps a support group to help him process these things as they come up.
You empowered him. You showed him real love. He wasn’t willing to settle for less anymore.
It’s weird how you’ve made this about yourself. Do you normally do this?
She alienated herself.. Your husband has been her emotional support human since his birth, and he’s held on the hope there’s good in her. He’s moved her in, to have a re-do with 0 distraction of emotional and physical abuse. He has the opportunity to have her undivided attention. And in one conversation she confirmed that none of those external factors were all the problem, in fact *she* is the problem.
Seeing clearly that she is the problem, to a chronic people pleaser like your husband, let him know that there was nothing he could do, no way he could be, and nothing on his end could be done to get from his mom he wanted. He got the catharsis of letting it all out on her. He’s good. It wasn’t you or him, it was her.
Leave it alone. He got the closure he wanted. Leave it alone. Anything you would do would be drama starting and none of your business. Leave it alone.
Be happy that you don’t have to put up with MIL anymore.
>my husband felt forgiving his mother and re-writing the relationship would heal him and prepare him to be a parent.
She was never a parent and abused him. How could she teach him to be a parent?
You haven’t done anything. He finally realized he had to cut him mother out. Also, she is not his only surviving family; you are his family and any children you have.
You don’t do anything. You didn’t do anything. She has deep seated issues that she hasn’t addressed. This is your husband addressing his own issues, or starting too. He’s making a decision for himself – he’s trying to heal / build a life away from his traumatic upbringing. You support his decision.
It was probably boiling up until now and he finally let it out it’s good that he no longer has her in his life
His battle, his decision. And based on the context you provided, him separating from his very toxic mother is a blessing.
Be there for him, but don’t feel guilt for what happened. Your husband tried to bring his mother closer to heal their past, likely thinking she had been influenced by his father. When she started criticizing his/your marriage, he opened his eyes to the reality of how toxic she continues to be and realized there is no point in trying to mend something so irreparably broken.
Your husband did this all on his own. Nice to know he sleeps peacefully. Easy smiles are always good.
Uhhh what exactly did you do? Sounds like he did this himself.
Nah, he took her in out of cultural obligation, and she thought it was a free pass.
She has now learned the limit.
Hopefully he will not give her another chance.
You have no guilt here.
You didn’t cause this and don’t start letting those feelings of guilt stop you from having healthy, normal arguments with your partner.
You played no role in this breakup at all. MIL attacked you only as a convenient way to hurt Sonny. Had Sonny not put an end to it, you could easily have become MIL’s whipping boy for the remainder of her life. Such is the all too common situation in households when MIL is displeased with either Sonny or his Bride. Bride is the easier target, and a convenient scapegoat for problems that are really between MIL and Sonny.
It is well for you and Husband that the two fighters go their separate ways.
You may be the thing that freed him from his family. That family, as you describe it, does not sound healthy and supportive. They sound toxic AF. So if you alienated him from them, then I think you did a good thing.