I went through my boyfriends phone because when we were sitting beside each other I saw that a he had a message thats been muted. So today when we were “sleeping” i went through it and found out that my partner messaged an old love and has said that he misses her and that he cant wait for them to be together again (different countries) so idk what im gonna do, maybe move out? Still love him, but, its weird now , weve had discussions about exes and hes never mentioned this girl. I dont know. I dont even know what I want from posting this here.
Edit: guys thank you! Im leaving for sure. But mostly thank you for your kind words and even the not so kind. No relationship is perfect, it really had to be built from the ground. Im no prefect human, and i have made some questionable behavior for snooping. But all is well. We’ve talked. And I told him that it wont work out cause I snooped and he sent messages that were meant for a gf. Yes were immature, and somehow we still managed to talk about it. All love 🫶🏼
Edit 2: Lets not hate on the man, Im DEFINITELY not a perfect person either. I love him still and always want the best for him even if that doesnt include me.
49 comments
You looked for something, you found it. If this is a deal breaker, you leave.
Sigh…..
OK, no “person’s phone speech”
That pretty much only leaves me to say that you should end the relationship because there is no trust in this relationship.
You don’t trust him, and now he has no reason to trust you, since you have violated that, which tends to mean that the relationship has no long term future.
Or, more accurately no long term future if both of you are not willing/able to put in the time/effort/work to communicate and to make/maintain a good/healthy relationship.
Was this a case of him just telling/saying what the other party wanted/needed to hear, a fantasy of some kind or something else?
You saw a muted message, and that would have been the time to ask him about it, but you chose to do something else, behind his back….
I’d say/add more, but that would likely fall afoul of the no “persons phone speech” requirement.
Best wishes and good hope to both of you going forward.
Wake up and break up
You mean… spare you the consequences of your own actions… No.. I don’t think I will.
​
This is the definition of fuck around and find out… you snooped, found out he’s not trustworthy whilst also proving that neither are you.
​
You both sound kinda toxic and immature to me…. probably deserve each other.
I don’t really understand all the hate you’re getting for snooping. It’d be one thing if your BF gave you no reason to be suspicious. You had a gut feeling, checked his phone and confirmed your suspicions. I don’t get why people are trying to make it seem like you’re more wrong when he’s the one cheating.
Break up with him, you’re the backup option.
Honestly take a few days ,gather everything you have and leave. Going through someone’s phone isn’t bad ,it’s when you find something that they won’t ever tell you to your face ,that’s the bad part to that.
The infatuation with going through other people’s private stuff never ceases to amaze me. It seems like people expect the right to just go through peoples stuff and there is no privacy any more. If you don’t trust him get another boyfriend.
Well you snooped and he lied.
You’re both untrustworthy, you should stay together to save others from you two.
The speech that you’re trying to avoid isn’t actually what matters. Sure, going through someone’s phone is an act of distrust, and you were right to suspect something.
What matters is now that you have done it, and have found something, you should not stay in a relationship where trust is broken.
Better leave… saying such thing to someone else while you, his gf is there with him and that’s what he should say to YOU. you might still love him but do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t love you ? Your choice ~ good luck (-:
BTW why does snooping isn’t okay ? I mean if there is real doubts between the two persons ?
When someone loves their SO they tend to believe anything, even if the other deliberately manipulate and lie for X reasons. Isn’t it better to snoop and leave once something was found instead of continuing living with that person ?
Just curious and I wanna try to understand.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
I don’t blame you for checking his phone, I understand it crosses boundaries but if you’re not open with your partner going through yours then you don’t go through theirs. But that’s besides the point. you’ve found a make or break situation here – obviously you can talk about it and try and reach some sort of conclusion but at the same time I know that if it were me I wouldn’t let it die. It take the trust u put into a relationship in the bin and the fact he said as well ‘be together again’? nope not for me. You want someone to be someone else? then I’m not here to stand in your way whilst you list after it. Personally for me it’d be a break defo not a make
He doesn’t know you know, so you now have the chance to take a breath and get your ducks in a row before you leave him.
Doesn’t matter if this girl is just an easy hookup that he doesn’t care for or the love of his life, its what he thinks of you that matters. Clearly he thinks very little of you to pre-plan a long distance cheat in advance.
I have never checked a partners phone, but I’ve never had reason to either. I think in general, not checking phones is the way to go, BUT if my husband was acting really shady and suspicious? I would.
You found exactly what you were looking for. Now what? Break up.
Stop trying to salvage something that is making you both unhappy.
You’re clinging to something that isn’t there. You are not in love. People in love do ~~that~~ edit: not cheat and people in love don’t feel insecure enough to check phones.
Break up
edit: typos
Downvote me, but snooping is fine in my opinion. Either you actually find something or not and resulting out of that either your partner finds out and breaks up if there was nothing to it or you break up because you found something.
Deal with the consequences of snooping yourself, cause it’s totally on u, but I get why me and so many others do it.
I’d bet that over 75% of people in relationships would go through their partners phone at some point, because we know how cunning humans can be. But it shouldn’t become a ritual that you just do every week.. it should only happen if there’s evidence suggesting something shady is going on and the gut feeling can’t be resolved by talking about it
A human can lie to us, chat logs, pictures and what not cant.
i don’t go through people’s shit but if you give me reason to believe something is up then i will. ended my second relationship over what i found on his FB messenger.
this guy clearly is testing the water elsewhere. i would confront him and then break up. prepare for him to try to blame you for going through his phone but in the end he is the one who was hiding shit he knows he shouldn’t have been doing.
Move out of course if you are not his true love. He’s living a lie.
I mean if a person is untrustworthy enough that you have to go through their phone, just end it. If you have trust issues to the point that you have to go through their phone and they’re a trustworthy person, just end it. There are grey areas but this seems like a dead end.
Jesus christ, the fucl.what kind of privavcy are these ppl in the comments on about. When u are in a relationship u share ur whole life with ur so, u dont keep tings private.yall are a disease to mankind
I know you might feel blinded by love OP rn, but do you want to wait for him to break up, or worse cheat physically before cutting things off? It’ll be difficult for you, but you can do it! Please move on and cut him off.
I’d want to bail too if you were the type that looked over my shoulder at my texts and then sneaks onto my phone at night to snoop. Why you with someone you trust so little? Sounds like he’s right to want out – you’re relationship is clearly garbage
bye bye . he’s not planning on being with you clearly .. you searched you found …
you gotta choose what you want to do
Something in your gut knew he couldn’t be trusted. You only need to answer to yourself. You are in love with someone who is validating another woman and potentially grooming her to be either a. His side chick or b. The person he potentially leaves you for. Does it sound like he’s in love with you? Even if he says he loves you more than anyone, does he not respect you? Because he’s stepping out of your relationship. What kind of future do you see with this man? You’ll have to play detective for the rest of your life which is probably what feeds his ego. People like this are deeply unreliable and narcissistic. In his eyes, you’re an option not the love of his life.
Break up. Why is your bf messaging another girl saying he misses her when he’s with you? He probably doesn’t love you or he doesn’t love you more than her. I don’t like it when people go through other’s phones but he was probably giving you a reason to and you found out the reason. Take that information and find someone else who can give you their whole love and affection.
Well there is no trust in the relationship so why stay ether way?
tell him the only way you’re staying is if he agrees to let you have his phone. you should just take it at this point because you’re going to need to see EVERYTHING all the time. he can get a phone that only dials you and 911 so you feel safe and for you know, emergencies. no internet access AT ALL unless you’re there. and he must agree to never go to that country. oh hell, he can’t go anywhere. I’m sure this will make you feel better about the fact that he misses someone else and couldn’t wait to see her again.
You can’t stay with him if he’s cheating.
I think it would be a mistake to stay. He’s being really dishonest and disrespectful to you, and you don’t deserve that.
No lectures here. Considering what you found, it’s reasonable you were picking up some vibes. Better to cut your losses now and move on
You’re a place holder…. Let that sink in and do with it what you will
Yes you move out and leave. Unless you rather wait for him to leave you for her. He’s emotionally cheating on you so make the move and break up with him. He’s wrong for still being emotionally attached to his ex while being with you, its like you’re there just to keep him company till him and the ex can be together. Don’t be that girl, move on.
I get that snooping is bad, but I 100% would not have found out about my partner cheating if I hadn’t. He was so good at pulling the wool over my eyes, and I really believed him every time. It wasn’t until I saw what I *thought* was a Tinder notification that the doubt started to creep in. I tried to let it go, he denied my questions in such a calm and cool manner. He wouldn’t lie to me like that! Me? No! I let him live with me rent-free and paid for his car so he didn’t have to stress about anything. I gave him everything. He wouldn’t do that to me, I thought.
One night, he started acting very strange with his phone, and I snapped. He left it under one of our pillows to go make lunch. I took the opportunity to look.
It WAS Tinder. He WAS cheating on me, and I never would have found out.
He deflected the entire argument. He was much more focused on the fact I caught him cheating than the fact I was paying for his car and rent and everything at *18 years old* and he was fucking around on me behind my back like I was stupid.
I don’t regret it, at all. I don’t care if that makes me a terrible person.
Can’t trust him. Be done and head on down the road.
you snooping is nowhere near as bad as him cheating
Well, in all honesty, if y’all have been together for a while and the relationship was serious, then you had every right to go through his phone…I mean you don’t mind him going through yours, if he did, because you had nothing to hide.
Going through phones when you’re in a serious relationship gives peace of mind, especially if you been through some tough relationships in the past.
But, anyway, I’m glad you got out and hopefully are happy now…he was totally in the wrong for that and he has some serious growing up to do if he ever wants to stay in a relationship.
My ex went through my phone trying to find stuff. He didn’t find anything, but made me feel guilty about talking to guys when me and his were at the ‘talking’ phase as well. Held it over me our whole relationship, made me feel guilty. Found out he was cheating on me our whole relationship a year later. Break up with him, no one can come back from this. There is nothing to save, either y’all stay together and their is resentment, or y’all end it and save both of y’all’s mental health.
You had suspicions, you confirmed it – you can either raise it with him (if you want to) and try to understand his reasons or you can just make your decision based on what you already know. It sounds like maybe he’s not over her and still has feelings for her (well enough to be saying those kind of things to her) or maybe he doesn’t have any feelings for her and he’s just a narcissist that likes knowing whether his exes still aren’t over him (and if that’s the case, he won’t treat you any better, if you stay with him).
Snooping is an act of cowardice. If you don’t trust your partner and can’t have an adult conversation then don’t be in this relationship.
Edit: 99% of snoopers wouldn’t admit to their partner that they snooped if they found nothing.
Y’all wanna talk about “invasion of privacy” but not the fact that some people will waste anywhere from 3 months to decades of your life hiding stuff and lying – which to me is a sociopathic thing to do. But by all means let’s shame the person who obviously had a good reason to do what they had to do to protect themselves.
Before you come at me – yes if you don’t trust someone you should just go. And yes if you must check the phone you should ask first. However if I did something highly suspicious I would rather my fiancé secretly check my phone than just up and leave me because he suddenly has a moment of uncertainty (which is a very human thing to have when you are putting all of your trust into another flawed human being)
Leave. He is only a boyfriend right now. Imagine him doing this if you were married. I was a newlywed when it happened to me and was never able to get that trust back. Take if from someone who knows, once they maintain surreptitious relationships with other women they will always maintain surreptitious with other women no matter how you handle it. So sorry.
1- you know what you gotta do. Break up with him. Even if you’re in love.
2- It’s okay to snoop. I am a fair believer that if you have been given a reason to suspect cheating like accidentally seeing a mute chat of a girl ending with “sleeping” that you’ve never heard off. Yeah, I would say that’s a reason to confront/look (depending on what kind of person your SO is cause confronting might work with a non explosive type but if they are the explosive, for your own self snooping might be the best option) cause truth is; you saw something sus, looked into it and found out he is cheating and planning on cheating. Y’all need to stop this “SNOOPING IS BAD ALWAYS” it really isn’t. There has been girls that saved their lives (like literally avoiding getting murked) by snooping. There are situations and it’s not all black and white but sometimes gray.
Your divorce party..
This situational morality is killing me. Going thru someone’s phone without express permission is inexcusable.
Anyone who feels that gut feelings make it right is suffering from delusions of grandeur.
I’ve been a mistress. The muted notifications is a clear sign this is going to continue
I would leave. He cheated period. Also big FACT. People who cheat usually have done so many times. Usually when we trust completly we can sometimes live a total lie for months, years. Always be wary of any suspected behavior. Usually a partner who is not cheating won’t be secretive. It’s definitely not worth it.
My wife can look through my phone anytime she wants and I can look through hers. We have nothing to hide. You did nothing wrong
My wife can look through my phone anytime she wants and I can look through hers. We have nothing to hide. You did nothing wrong
My wife and I both have passwords on our phones to keep the kids out, not each other. If you have the need to keep your phone private from your significant other. Then you’re the problem. Cause you either don’t trust them, or you’re not trust worthy. That goes for everyone.