I went on a coffee “date” (not actually a date) with another university student I’ve known for a while. I don’t know a ton about her, but I learned plenty today. We chatted for 2 hours, and I was mostly able to make this happen successfully from two things:
1. I asked questions about the other person that required detailed responses (of which that flowed into other topics and questions).
2. She was extroverted enough to make talking about herself a comfortable conversation.
We spoke about jobs, education (we have the same bachelor degree in mind), relationships, and our hobbies. Pretty basic stuff, but I felt like awkward silences were pretty avoidable with this person because I just kept inquiring about her and adding personal comments in to relate when it made sense to do so.
Another point! If you want someone to continue and have more to say about a topic they are knowledgeable in, just give an encouraging word. “Oh, cool!” or “Huh, that’s new to me!” are super easy ways to get someone to continue talking until you have someone to say (which will be connected to something they said). If you’re having issues with awkward silences, try this!
Also, don’t be afraid of speaking to people unlike yourself. This girl I spoke with is 1000x more outgoing and bubbly than me, but I got the impression that she enjoyed my quiet interest. Quiet people have strengths too, and all you gotta do is learn to use those strengths! Being quiet and giving a mysterious or inquisitive vibe can be interesting to outgoing people, just like they are to the quiet ones.
9 comments
Excellent job OP. You showed exactly how to genuinely connect with people in the moment. That’s the major key.
> I got the impression that she enjoyed my quiet interest
That’s the secret. The other person has to be interested in participating too. If they’re not, there’s nothing you can do. You can’t *make* someone feel a certain way.
(Well, I mean you *can*, but then that’s being manipulative, not genuine.)
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*my face when realizing what I say to coworkers I wish would stop talking my ear off on my lunch break is what most people understand as a verbal request to continue speaking….*
That’s generally how I speak to most people and I’ve been successful at it. People like good listeners.
This! I need to do this more. Conversations are really like two people playing tennis with each other. Gotta keep that convo going back and fourth.
Nice! Actually you demonstrated here what it TRULY means to be a “good listener.” It isn’t just to let the other person talk. It’s to contribute to the conversation with relevant remarks, questions, and insights of your own. Encouraging them with empathetic comments as you noted. Part of being a good listener is to be ENGAGED and ENCOURAGING. While contributing bits of your own as the conversation flows.
Great job! Thanks for sharing.
The extroverted over-sharer and the introverted listener are usually a pretty good pair.
Good for you! This rocks.