I’m going to give as much information as possible without revealing too much. My hubby(H) (37M) and BIL (B) (36M) are both on reddit and I’d rather H doesn’t relalise that this is about him.
When we were still dating, H told me that MIL favoured B and that he always felt left out and felt lesser than. He gave me several examples and I have personally witnessed some of those things. Also, after our families met for the first time, my mother asked me how H is treated at home. According to her, when it was just her and MIL, MIL wouldn’t stop talking B and how H is a good son, but nothing like B. We’ve been married for over a decade now and neighbors, friends and relatives have all at some point told me that they’ve noticed and pointed it out to MIL. MIL insists that they were treated the same throughout their lives and B agrees.
H doesn’t have a very loving relationship with MIL but he treats her well overall. I love H and would never do anything to hurt him. So, mostly because of that I try to treat MIL as I treat my mother. I get her gifts of the same value as I get my mom, spend time with her, take her out for lunch, etc. But I actively resent how she made H feel.
Recently B moved out and lives several hours away from home and rarely visits. Now that we live closer to her, she told H that his parents must always be his top priority. Now she showers him calls and attention and asks us to drop by every weekend.
I don’t like H going on his own because I feel am his emotional support when we’re there. His parents fight a lot and whenever they are not on speaking terms, he has to be the middleman. Sometimes, it’s to the point where his father would call him at work to ask him to tell his mother something and vice versa. They, mostly MIL, often involve him in their disagreements and will call him during working hours to rant/cry or demand he does something for them.
So, when I’m there with him, I can calm him down so arguments do not escalate between him and his parents, act as the intermediary or shut down arguments, politely of course.I want H to have a good relationship with his parents but the act I have to put up drains me and recently has resulted in me being withdrawn when I’m there, which is the opposite of what I want.
There’s also the fact that MIL told me I can get H to listen to me if I just know how to speak to him. She once recommended crying and another time pretending to be sick to get my way. I was furious because I refuse to have that kind of relationship, but politely told her I don’t like lying to H. She was annoyed with me because it wasn’t lying according to her but dropped it when she realised I was unwilling to meet her halfway on this.
I want to accompany him whenever he goes and I also don’t want to put up an act. I want to be able to not resent her and not come home utterly emotionally drained. I don’t think I can tell her outright how I feel. I just want to manage my feelings better. How can I do that? Any idea?
12 comments
This is an issue with your husband, not your MIL. He isn’t setting appropriate boundaries with her – or your FIL – and until he does that, this isn’t going to change. He needs to get some counseling to learn how to set boundaries with them. It doesn’t usually take long, so he doesn’t need to worry that he’ll be in counseling for years or anything. This could all be changed in a few months if he gets some help figuring out how to manage his relationship with his parents.
This sucks because this isn’t your problem to solve. Your husband has to learn not to be his parents therapist, punching bag and/or emotional support doll. He has to put limits on contact with them. Until he does, enjoy the ride on the emotional roller-coaster.
> I want H to have a good relationship with his parents
That would require different behavior from his parents, which doesn’t seem likely.
You SHOULD resent her and so should H. He doesn’t need to ask how high when she tells him to jump.
Hubby needs some therapy to stop being used by his parents!!
His mom is a manipulator, and you know this!! Help hubby see this!!
H is the problem. He allows this to happen. I would have a serious conversation with him if I were you. Also, very clear boundaries with his parents are needed.
I wouldn’t hold these thoughts in, if it were me I’d talk to my partner about it. If this has been going on his entire life, he might not realise just how unhealthy it is or even that someone would be on his side if he changed his relationship with his parents
Sounds to me like you’re way too up in their relationship. Their relationship is not your responsibility OR your business to “fix”. Tell your husband you support him if he wants to lower contact but other than that, honestly back off.
Get your husband into therapy.
You can’t change his parents. He can’t change his parents. Therapy has a chance of changing him though.
Also – you do realize you’re doing to yourself what was done to your husband, right? Putting yourself in between people, ignoring how they treat you, ignoring your mental health.
Stop hanging out one on one with his mom. Tell him you will only go to visit his family X amount per month (I vote once if that) and any other time he has to go by himself if he wants to go.
Right now you’re just setting yourself on fire to join your husband who set himself on fire all to keep your MIL warm. You both need to stop and develop boundaries.
Your MIL is very manipulative with your husband, your FIL too. He needs to stop being therapist and referee for them. They frankly want him and you there because they probably can’t stand to be alone together. He needs to see this and back away from them and let them work out their own problems.
He should tell them, you guys are coming over once a month but the minute the fights start, you will leave. The second time it happens he needs to tell them you aren’t coming back.
BTW, have a talk with your husband about what will happen if one of them gets kicked out, don’t let him take them in.
Therapy to accept that you don’t have the power to change her or to change the long history she has with her husband and kids. You do have the power to continue to talk to your H about the situation, how it makes you feel, and to suggest/negotiate new patterns, new boundaries, but those are his to make with his parents. He has to step up and be an adult since neither of his parents are.
How does your husband feel about going over every weekend and getting his work hours constantly interrupted? I can’t imagine he enjoys either of those things.
While your husband sorts out his feelings and desires, all you can do is figure out what you can give generously, what fits within the boundaries that you need, and then stick to that. If you can do one visit a month, then that’s all you do. Your husband can decide if he wants to go over there without you the other three weekends or if he wants to not go unless he has you as a buffer.
I suspect you also need to set a boundary with your husband about how much emotional support / processing you do with him about his family on a daily basis – if his parents are calling him up every day does that mean that you get an hour of venting / dumping / recap every night? That’s not sustainable. (Yet another reason why your husband should seek out a therapist – so he has someone to talk to without burning you out.) Again, figure out what you CAN do and set boundaries to honor that.