First of all, I want to acknowledge that yes, we have an age gap and yes, age gap relationships can be unhealthy. I really don’t think it is in this case – he has never shown any signs of being controlling, and he’s been nothing but kind, loving, and supportive of me. We also met a year ago when I was 26 so I was already a full fledged adult. Just wanted to get that out of the way!
So this is a pretty small issue but it is something that bugs me a little, and I’m wondering if it’s worth bringing up.
I can be a little clumsy – I have a condition called nonverbal learning disorder that affects my coordination and spatial awareness, so I sometimes bump into things. My boyfriend is aware of this. The problem is, I feel like he’s often telling me to “be careful!” even when there’s absolutely no problem. Like, I literally can’t get out of bed without him warning me to be careful. I have never tripped getting out of bed, there’s no issue, but he still says it. He says it other times too when I’m completely fine and (I feel) not in a situation where a “be careful” would be warranted.
I get that he’s just looking out for me and he is a pretty anxious person, but it gets a little annoying and makes me feel like he thinks I’m some kind of walking disaster. It makes me feel a little bit on edge and defensive I guess, and then I’m worried I actually will trip because I’m self conscious about it. I’ve started responding like “I’m fine!” but sometimes I just don’t say anything. I’m wondering if it’s worth bringing up at all or if this is just one of those little quirks you learn to live with.
TL:DR – boyfriend frequently tells me to “be careful” in situations when I’m fine, it bugs me, and I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning.
23 comments
>I can be a little clumsy – I have a condition called nonverbal learning disorder that affects my coordination and spatial awareness, so I sometimes bump into things.
>I get that he’s just looking out for me and he is a pretty anxious person, but it gets a little annoying and makes me feel like he thinks I’m some kind of walking disaster.
He’s doing it out of love. Just mention to him that you know he’s saying it out of love but it gets old quick and you don’t need daily reminders. He should be able to respect that.
Just communicate this to him and why it makes you feel the way it does.
I can agree how it would get old quickly.
He has anxiety. People with anxiety tend to catastrophize. I don’t think he thinks you’re incompetent but more likely his anxiety is fixated on “what if you hurt yourself.” Just talk to him about it; this is a totally normal relationship concern.
I’d say bring it up! He probably doesn’t even realise he’s saying it every time.
I fall a lot because of my joints, and my bf knows that if I hurt my self it’s best to wait 5-10 seconds before asking if I’m alright because when I’m in shock/pain I get snappy and if I haven’t hurt myself I’d rather ignore it and not be asked if I’m ok. But we agreed that through conversation as the best way to deal with it.
That sounds like his anxiety is talking at the moment. When you have a thing, it affects how others deal with it too. For him it seems like he just gets slightly more aware and it might be that he’s not even warning you, but warning himself to be Superman.
Maybe have a talk. You’ve done it all your life yourself. Klutz means you accept the consequence more factually, sometimes it just not preventable even if you see it coming. He doesn’t have to save you, you can manage it yourself. It may not be elegant and perhaps easier if he steps in, but you can manage. Can he manage?
Of course it’s worth mentioning.
His intentions are likely good; but the impact to you is negative.
That’s what matters.
“Hey, I understand it could be a knee-jerk reaction, but sometimes when you tell me to be careful, it’s at times where I’m not struggling in any way. I feel self conscious and frustrated when this happens. I appreciate you looking out for me but can you try to be more aware of when it’s really warranted?”
I think if you frame it as being a pet peeve of yours, he should understand. It will probably be a tough habit to break at first. I’d point out that saying “be careful” doesn’t make situations safer in most instances anyway. It’s just distracting. Don’t bring it up right after he does it, because you’ll be annoyed and he’ll be defensive. Just calmly sit down and say “hey, I want to talk to you about how it makes me feel when you tell me to be careful out of nowhere.”
I get why he’s saying it but so much so that he needs to blurt that out when you’re just getting out of bed? I’d feel infantilized as hell.
Why he’s doing it doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it’s bugging the shit out of you.
Tell him to stop unless it’s actually warranted. As in “be careful, there’s a bus coming”
Repeat it back to him. Until he gets the hint that he doesn’t always have to say it.
I have OCD and this is a compulsion of mine. Something in my brain says, “if you don’t tell husband to be careful/be safe, that will cause him to fall off the ladder/get into a car crash/drop the washing machine on himself/fall down the stairs”. Telling him to be careful when I ask him to do something makes me feel like I did an extra bit of due diligence to keep him safe.
I think your boyfriend is doing this out of love, but he likely has worse anxiety problems than you realize. You should tell him that this bothers you, and if he can’t stop doing it after that, he may need to see a doctor about his anxiety.
Talk to him about it. That will help you either work out how big a deal this is to you or get the change you want. If he has a anxiety about you hurting yourself and an ingrained behavior around it change is going to be gradual and won’t happen without one or both of you making mental effort.
I also concur with someone else’s advice to sit down and have the casually not immediately after an event.
Short and sweet if it bugs you it’s always worth mentioning but it also might be worth talking through why it bugs you. Be Careful could just be “I love you”. expressed through the lens of his own mental state.
Show him this post of yours, OP. It’s very well phrased and I think it’ll help him understand how you feel. I’d also remind him that you’ve been dealing with this all your life so, even though he’s probably doing it because he’s worried and can’t do anything else, and even though you appreciate his concern, him telling you to be careful isn’t actually helpful.
Our partners are not mind readers. Tell him this bothers you. If he doesn’t respond well then that his problem.
I agree with the other comments that this is anxiety/OCD-driven. I mean it’s annoying now but it’s going to be really annoying in ten, twenty, thirty years. And if you should have children the anxiety will affect them (I know cos my mum is like your fiancee!) so it’s really worth him getting some treatment.
I would definitely mention it. Just bring it up in a lighthearted way and say you really appreciate the thought behind it, but it makes it less meaningful for the times when the “be careful” might be more warranted
my Dad said ***be careful*** rather rhan take care, see you later or goodbye. now I say it.
It might be a love language thing too. My husband is always telling me to to be careful, it’s his way of showing he cares for me, not that he’s worried necessarily I won’t be careful and hurt myself. I just say, love you too because he means it that way.
When it comes to parenting, I read somewhere that it was better to tell your child: “*Did you notice how the rocks are slippery where they are wet?*”, rather than saying “*Be careful not to slip!*”.
Because the former teaches them to be more aware of their surroundings, while the latter just tells them to be scared.
Do you think your husband could tweak his comments in a similar way?
Well telling kids to be careful is something adults do
All of us, on occasion, absent mindedly trip over our own feet, or other similar things. A gentle reminder to “be careful” may be just the thing to slow us down just a bit and prevent a mishap. My wife and I told each other ” be careful” frequently. We both appreciated the other looking out us. That is one thing I still miss every day. Damned covid……
Have you met his family yet? It would not surprise me if this is learned behaviour.
I mean if it bothers you healthy response is to bring it up and just say hey; make ur point and see his point of view; I just see this as he’s caring and doesn’t want you to hurt yourself, knowing you can be clumsy rven if your fine…sometimes the ones who love us will always be the ones to annoy us to make sure we are safe and taken care of.
>I have a condition called nonverbal learning disorder that affects my coordination and spatial awareness, so I sometimes bump into things.
Woah…I wonder if I have that.
Anyway, sounds like he’s coming from a place of caring, but you should still talk with him. Not right when he’s done it, but just sit him down sometime and discuss it.
>I’ve started responding like “I’m fine!” but sometimes I just don’t say anything.
This sounds like one of those “small things that build to a big thing until I explode” situations. Please don’t let it get there. Talk it out.