So to start off, the main reason we haven’t is because my (24) gf(22) has had issues where it is painful to not only have sex, but to also just insert tampons. She’s been to the doctor countless times and nothing seemed to be wrong only a bit of irritation and everything tested negative. They only recommended her to see a physical therapist which she could only attend for a couple months due to her starting dental school again. Even with the therapy, it did not help. I rarely bring up sex anything because I know it’ll probably not happen, but I also would like for us to do other things rather than just sex. There is no sexual play anymore whatsoever and we barely even kiss. Before the issues we would do it regularly like a normal couple. Now there’s nothing, and she never tries to initiate pleasure for me either. I wouldn’t mind a Bj every now and then and I do enjoy going down on her as well, but nothing. I feel like I am becoming extremely frustrated with it and I don’t know what to say because she will then tell me that I am making her feel bad for bringing it up. She does not seem to care to pleasure me.
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Hmm I can’t imagine if the doctor didn’t find any issues what the problem would be beside possibly her not being wet enough? Is she on birth control?
Has she been to multiple doctors – gotten a second opinion?
All you can do is tell her that while you know that intercourse is off the table, you miss being physically intimate with her. Ask her why she doesn’t want to do anything sexual.
Then, you need to decide if you’re willing to stay in a sexless relationship.
She needs to be encouraged to continue with whatever therapy the dr suggested. It sounds like she has Vaginismus, which can be extremely painful and unsurprisingly can kill any want for sexual contact. Her body may be responding this way even if the sexual contact doesn’t get to the point of penetration, it needs to be treated not danced around.
I’m not a doctor, but this sounds like Vulvar Pain or another condition.
I agree, and I’m not trying to be a troll. Have you brought up the possibility of trying anal? It would be just as satisfying in intimacy for you and possibly less painful for her?
I understand how you feel. I suffer from the same symptoms as she does. For a long time I tried to push through the pain, until it lead to me getting an injury. What does help me to feel less pain though is good foreplay. Helps my down there to loosen up and my body to want it more than to deny it. Maybe bring the idea of foreplay before sex up to her? My condition is trauma based, I’m not sure what’s causing hers so it may not help but it wouldn’t hurt to try. If she’s anything like me she’s probably frustrated herself.
It sounds like she has Vaginismus, which can be treated (for most), but it’s not an overnight fix. It takes time (months, if not years). That’s assuming of course that the treatments work for her (and they might not).
I understand your need for sex, but consider for a moment how she is feeling about all of this. It’s possible, for her, that any kind of sexual activity triggers it. So, you are asking her to endure pain just so you can get your rocks off.
You continually bringing it up isn’t going to help matters either. So on top of the physical pain she is experiencing, there is probably shame, guilt & sadness because she can’t “service” you. And by bringing it up and pushing the issue (even if it is coming from a place where you want “intimacy” or to feel connected with her), it’s possibly making her feel like a glorified sex doll.
My advice? Do some research into Vaginismus so you have *SOME* idea of what she is going through. Show some empathy towards her, and her situation. Then sit down & talk to her. Explain to her how important intimacy is to you, without blaming her. Ask what you can do to support her, and help her.