Met ‘Josh’ 3.5 years ago when I moved into his neighborhood. We got along incredibly well from the start. Lots of things in common, shared hobbies, similar tastes in everything. As time lingered on I developed some deep romantic feelings for him. Eventually shared these with him about 2.5 years ago.
Unfortunately they were unrequited feelings.
I ultimately decided (against my better judgement) to remain friends. Up until last week we were very close. Spoke a few times a week, would go out to eat occasionally, stop and chat while walking our dogs. Unsurprisingly my feelings for him never really changed.
Last week my dog started having seizures so I took him to an emergency vet around 7 pm. I texted Josh to see if he could call me sometime. Even tried calling him myself around 9pm. No response, and nothing until 6 pm the next day. Something in his text just broke me. It was a simple “oh no, hope he’s ok.”
For lack of a better term, I snapped. I’m not proud of the way I handled it, but I sent him 3 lengthy texts saying it was best if we were no longer friends. That I couldn’t believe how indifferent he appeared to the news that my dog almost died.
He’s replied that he’s at a loss for words and that he is blindsided. I actually feel regret for how immaturely I handled this. I’m not sure there is anyway to apologize, or if I should just leave it be. He’s been a very good friend for over 3 years and I just feel like the way I ended things was a complete slap in the face to that.
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**tl;dr -** Longtime friends with someone I have unrequited feelings for. I completely snapped this weekend and essentially told him to f\*ck off. Should I bother apologizing? I genuinely feel like shit – but I also don’t want to pour salt into open wounds.
4 comments
I think you should apologize but you should also, simultaneously, take a break from the friendship.
Being *just* friends after a rejected romantic overture isn’t a prison sentence. It’s an aspirational goal. It’s not something you declare, it’s something you attempt to build.
You tried to keep things at a friend level and you failed. And that’s okay. Not every friendship survives these sorts of shifts.
It’s a bummer yours exploded the way it did, but you still have a chance to end things on a positive note. Apologize and take a step back. Even if the apology falls on deaf ears or doesn’t go over like you hope it will… at least the end of your close friendship isn’t some angry text rant.
And this step back doesn’t have to be forever. It doesn’t even have to be NO CONTACT. But you need to downgrade him from Best Friend down to somewhere between “Pal” and “Friendly Acquaintance.” He simply cannot be your emotional support structure anymore. You need an environment where you can build a life where he isn’t such a central feature. You gotta give yourself a chance to get over the romantic feelings and get yourself in a place where you can find someone else who is interested in you.
And if you put the friendship on pause on a positive note, that gives you two a chance to reconnect down the line. Life is weird. People come in and out and back into our lives in such strange ways. As long as you don’t slam the doors shut and nail them closed… people come back.
Good luck.
Yes, you should apologize for your overreaction.
And also recognize what you’ve done by going along with the pretense of being “just friends.” In your moment of stress/weakness, you wanted him to be there and react like a boyfriend would. And all these years of repressing your feelings and pretending things were just platonic on your end and that you were okay with that just boiled over. So you need to get over him and stop interacting with him because it’s clear that continuing to interact with him “as friends” hasn’t let you do that.
i thought the same thing. in that moment you wanted a boyfriend and you didn’t get it. you need to give yourself space to let go of him romantically.
IMHO his response showed you have way more invested in the friendship and might be best to just leave it like it is. His response is what an acquaintance would send. And not a very close one at that. Leave it alone and let it be