14y anniversary. Last few years the marriage has been rocky. I had a porn/sex chat addiction which I have now addressed, in the last 10 months. Meanwhile and for a long time (about 8 years), we’ve had an increasingly sparse sex life. First the typical after birth years, then some medical issues, then my unhappiness about it and the pressure I have put on her, even without meaning to. Sex wise, it was a completely dry summer. I have stopped all initiation and I have also stopped trying to please her in other ways, or show a lot of signs of tenderness, partly because I really really don’t want to pressure her, but also because I am really tired of always initiating affection or asking for it. I feel bad about myself since if I don’t reach out, there is rarely anything from her.
Last few days I have seen some improvement in her attitude, as in she will touch me more or give me a hug/peck. With the start of a new school year and return from vacation, one night I also got a “are you ready for the start of a different kind of life?” I don’t know what she meant but I could guess that she might want to address our relationship issues somehow.
It’s very frustrating for me that I have always been the one to initiate relationship talks, libido discrepancy talks, sent her articles, brought her in to a therapist with me, etc. but I don’t feel that she’s actually put in the effort in doing anything or investing is US as a couple. That is not to say that she hasn’t felt guilty and has not had emotional turmoil, but it’s all interior and not shared.
Wedding anniversary is in 2 days. At first I thought I won’t do anything for it or mention it. I can’t remember all of the anniversaries, but it feels like I have always been the one organising something, pursuing it, etc. Part of me is really revolting at that. I want to know it matters to her enough to initiate something, and not just be a passive recipient of my attention. Also, given that our marriage has been so rocky, I feel a bit fake to make a big deal about it: what are we celebrating? It’s not a good State of the Union atm.
Thus the question in the title. To do something for anniversary or to just ignore it and wait and see. Of course I’ll be disappointed if there’s no mention from her, so do I have double standards? It’s just that having been in a pseudo DB for so long and really missing to be wanted, I no longer want to chase, I have aversion to that.
3 comments
Why not ask her what she meant with a “different kind of life”? Did she mean a life without each other? A life that goes back to love and support? A life filled with school and not summer break?
I think we all can get into a rut and in response, we stop doing things and being kind and supportive and it all spirals down from there. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference and that’s where we find ourselves.
So to your question, gifts or no gifts should be a routine conversation. We agree on what we want to do on birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays. It backfires all the time in this sub when one spouse keeps mum on something important and surprise, surprise, they’re disappointed when their partner didn’t read their mind. It’s incredibly easy to just talk about these things. Lemme suggest you say this, “Hey, our anniversary is on Tuesday. Do you want to do anything for it?”
Do you feel like you can ask her if she wants to do something? My marriage is similarly rocky (and we also just had our 14th anniversary), but I was pleasantly surprised at how nice it was to just dress up and have a nice dinner out on our anniversary.
One minor thing in the “yes, do something for your anniversary” column is that it sets a better example for your kid/s to celebrate the anniversary than to ignore it.
I never understand posts like this. If you are at this stage of being so apathetic and miserable, why not just leave? Like, my dude, this marriage is running on fumes. Wake up and smell the coffee.