My (31F) partner (33M) cheated early in our relationship, 3 months in. We’ve been together for 1.5 years, living together since Dec. I had discovered early in the relationship through looking at his texts that he had downloaded dating apps and messaged random women. I confronted him eventually after another concerning incident where he flirtatiously DM’d a girl he’d gone on a date with before our relationship. I came clean about the snooping and he initially denied it, but then came out crying, explaining that he was trying to not look at porn so he downloaded dating apps, and that he realized all of his behavior was really wrong and that he had stopped and showed me all of his messages, etc. We discussed my boundaries and how I felt they were very different than his. For example, he maintains friendships with former exes and I don’t. He acknowledged that he realized he did so not b/c he felt it was healthy but b/c he has issues and that he would do anything to be with me. He committed to talking about this with his therapist and I decided to give him another chance.
Since then, he hasn’t downloaded apps again but several seemingly smaller incidents have occurred that led to us starting couple’s counseling. A few of them had to do with friendships with the opposite sex. He gave his number to someone at a dinner who he later acknowledged might have had a crush on him. He deleted the messages b/c he said he was afraid I would blow things out of proportion but I had already seen the messages, and hadn’t confronted him about this individual until a few weeks later. He wasn’t flirting but still, even responding to someone who you think has an inkling of a crush on you is not cool to me, esp. given what we’d been through. He acknowledges that he has severe avoidant tendencies and said his deleting the messages was to avoid conflict with me out of fear that I’d leave him rather than caring at all about this friendship which he has since ended.
The final straw as that I discovered that he’d looked up on IG a search for “babes of \[insert our neighborhood\]” a few weeks after I moved in, and I flipped out.
Since starting therapy, he (and the therapist) believe that his issues are related to his childhood traumas and neglect and the therapist believes that him doing the work to nurture his inner child and wounds is the only way to fixing his unhealthy behaviors. While I agree that the inner child work is very important (and something I need to do as well) I am struggling to move on from the past. I get triggered by so many things. His inability to acknowledge that him cheating in past relationships and downloading dating apps in our relationship, and looking up chicks nearby, is all tied to the same issue and that issue is his behavior. He gets defensive when I talk about the things he’s told me about his exes and says I’m weaponizing the past against him but the reality is he always talks about excuses why cheating happened in the past, and that he’s much happier in our relationship than he’s ever been, so it’s not fair to compare those situations. He admitted that he’s had the urge to look at porn recently but didn’t b/c he feels like the work he’s doing on himself is helping him not resort to unhealthy self-soothing behavior. While I believe that he’s trying his best, there’s just a big part of me that worries that one day he will crack and ruin things. I told him how I fear that 1, 5, 10 years down the line he might cave in to his porn vice, or dating apps vice, etc. and his responses were:
1. I will never sexualize another person b/c now I realize how much that hurts you (which frustrates me to hear b/c it’s like… how are you jUST now realizing that?)
2. I sound like I’m at the end of my rope if looking at porn 10 years from now would be the demise of our relationship which triggered me to hear b/c not watching porn is something he has agreed is tied to his pathological tendencies and therefore would stop doing, so I heard in that him saying he will eventually look at porn
3. It sounds like I should just leave him b/c I’ll never trust him again
I’m at a loss. We’ve been talking a lot about marriage lately b/c he thinks putting a ring on it is a way to confirm his commitment to me and quell my fears, but I’m afraid it won’t stop him from doing these things that hurt me. I spent the entire night just crying because I do believe so much about him is earnest and trying his best. He treats me so well. We spend almost all hours of the day together, and when we’re not he’s v communicative and open. He doesn’t hide things anymore. I believe he’s really made progress in the last couple of months but I also feel like the amount of damage done is so egregious that I’m not sure if he can maintain this level of “good behavior”. I’m not ready to leave him yet, but I also don’t know what to do.
Tl;dr: He almost cheated and I’m still struggling to move past it
10 comments
If you’re not sure about him anymore and have no trust because of the past then leave him instead of dragging it on. Let yourself and him find compatible partners.
You shouldn’t have taken him back the first time, nobody ever believes me when I say they don’t change, they just *think* they get better at hiding it. Just cut ties instead of waiting for him to cheat on you, he crossed the line when he gave out his number. He wasn’t looking for a friend, he was keeping an opportunity within arms reach. Much love from one woman to another, but it’s time to wake up.
He’s still in denial about his behaviors. How many times does he have to show you he’s not ready to be in a couple and he may never be?
I think you know what to do, you’re just not ready to do it yet. If you can’t trust him, then you can’t trust him, it’s honestly that simple. If you really want to stay though, I’d at least recommend couples therapy. Like you said, this is too heavy and not just something to get over alone.
I want to be very careful about how I say this because this guy sounds like a dumpster fire, but he isn’t the only one with issues to work on. Maybe your feelings on this subject are just tied to your experience with this guy…but
>For example, he maintains friendships with former exes and I don’t.
90% of the time this isn’t a reasonable request. I maintain…healthy acquaintances with people I’ve dated in the past. My high school sweet heart is someone I still care deeply about as a friend, but not someone I see sexually at all. It’s also something I’m completely open about with anyone I date. I don’t hide things, I’ve never cheated and I go above and beyond to make sure my partner never has a reason to suspect I’d cheat on them…but I’m also not cutting off lifelong friendships for a girl.
Again, I’m not saying you’re wrong about this guy at all…from your post I’d say you need to cut your losses here and just move on…sounds like there is a complete lack of trust…just adding this here as something to think about.
>Since starting therapy, he (and the therapist) believe that his issues are related to his childhood traumas and neglect and the therapist believes that him doing the work to nurture his inner child and wounds is the only way to fixing his unhealthy behaviors.
Did you hear this directly from the therapist, or is that what your boyfriend told you?
I would not trust him sorry. One time *can* be a mistake or poor judgment. Maybe forgiveable. More than that, it’s done. I think he’s proved himself unable to learn a lesson. No matter what his issues are related to from his past. Do you want to keep dealing with the fallout or worrying about it. I feel like he’s not going to stop sniffing around because he doesn’t really want to change. Or he would have already.
Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. True love is easy. Romantic relationships are supposed to ADD to your happiness, not subtract happiness. The fact that you’re in a fairly new relationship yet are already in couples counseling is a pretty good sign that this relationship just isn’t worth it. It sounds like you’ve set clear boundaries multiple times yet he continues to push them. Someone who truly loves and cares about you won’t continue to do things that you’ve told them you’re not comfortable with.
Get out now. This man will go rue to disappoint you. Stay quiet, get your money right, and move out. I would leave slowly and rip the rug from under him. Break up when he least expects it. That ought to shake him up. Maybe he will treat his next woman better.
The amount of emotional labor you have to do because he’s selfish, dishonest, and inconsiderate is far too much
He cheated on you only 3 months in? Lord knows why you stuck around after that.
Why do you think you can do any better?