My boyfriend (19m) and I (18f) were trying to take space to get ourselves together before further pursuing our relationship. (We’ve been together for a little over 2 years now.) I took time to try and be more mature and he took time to try and get better at time management. We were still talking romantically and loyal to the idea of us being back together. We are sexually incompatible because he has kinks I can’t fulfill and what not. I told him to try and satiate his desire while we are apart and I would just try and keep company of people. Here’s where I messed up, I was very dumb and didn’t think to tell him that I only want him to satiate his desire with a stranger, not a friend or acquaintance.

He ended up sexting one of our mutual friends. I feel so disgusted. I can’t blame either of them this is entirely my fault. But I don’t know what to do. I want to vomit and I feel so sick and betrayed. But neither of them betrayed me. I’m not sure what I should do. I only recently became an adult I’m still confused and new to all of this. I’m so hurt but I have no one to blame but myself.

Reddit, should I break up with him? Not because he did anything wrong but because my incompetence. Should I ask for us to not speak to her again? I don’t know if this is something I can move past. Logically it’s my own fault, but I can’t overlook the immense about of hurt and pain I feel from this. I feel so embarrassed. I’m still a kid and I’m so confused. Please give me help or advice if you can.

I know it’s my fault but I just really need help navigating this problem I made for myself.

Tl;dr: I didn’t communicate a boundary for my partner and now I am very hurt.

Edit: Bf is into c•ckoldry and I’m entirely monogamous. The bf explained to our mutual that him and I were on pause and that he had permission to seek out sexual satisfaction. No one broke boundaries, I just want advice on how to deal with my feelings of betrayal and hurt.

FYI: you’ll have to censor his kink because I straight up can’t see any comments that mention the kink uncensored.

40 comments

  1. Your partner sexted your friend and you’re asking if you should break up? I think the answer is obvious, don’t you think?

  4. You didn’t screw up. Your friend and your ex did. That’s not a boundary that needs stating, to “not” sext your ex’s best friend; it’s basic common sense and they both know it.

    Please know that no “kinks” are ever gotten out of someone’s system. He will always want them. You guys just sound incompatible, and he’s *sexting your friend* on top of that. Walk away.

  5. I don’t think you should blame yourself fully. IMO, friends are off the table in about 99% of situations. You told him to go explore but you really shouldn’t have had to tell not to go after friends/mutuals.

    Sexual incompatibility is a big obstacle. Would either of you be really happy down the road?! Seems too big of an obstacle to overcome.

  6. I would just break up with him. Plenty of people who you will be sexually compatible with who don’t try and sext your friends. Doesn’t really matter if it was a break that’s still pretty messed up to me

  8. You’re still young, it’s better to spend your time moving on than wasting your time with a person that doesn’t match your preferences. You can only truly compromise your beliefs at a point. What sucks is you’ve been hurt because you loved him enough to do something you’re not comfortable with. It’s alright to take it easy and find the right one for you. It’s better to break up with him amicably than prolonging your suffering and ending up leaving him bitterly.

  9. If he has a kink you are not into, you should just agree to go your separate ways. You’re young; there’s a big sea with lots of fish.

  10. Honey, do not blame yourself for someone else’s actions. You are not responsible for what he did. You yourself said you’re sexually incompatible, so I think you know what you need to do… I’m just sorry you are feeling so upset over him.

  11. You shouldn’t have to tell him not to fuck your friends. He should know that. Friends are off limits.

  12. Your friend should have asked you it’s ok before going for it. I am not sure she is really your friend, otherwise she would care about your feelings.

  13. If you are not into kink. Than just date somebody else. Otherwise you always will feel incompantent and not good enough. You two doesn’t sound a good match. And don’t say it’s your fault. Both of you are having lack of communication.
    And a relationship CAN work with 1 kink and the other not. But not on your age. You need a very stable relationship for that. (I have been in active in the kink world. So I heard a lot of story’s like this. And 70% of people who are kinky and the other one not. Are cheating)

    And imo you are legally an adult. But you are still a teen and still in devopment.
    Enjoy your teens and being young. You have you whole life to be a adult.
    I know it sounds cliche but it’s true 🙃 don’t try to be an adult id you dont have to. You will be eventually.

  14. Why would you want to be with someone you’re not sexually incompatible with? If he has kinks you cannot satisfy that will not go away.

  15. 1. It’s an unspoken rule not to go after your ex’s friends, it shouldn’t have to be said. It’s a betrayal of your friendship and his respect for you is certainly lacking to go and do that.
    2. If he has kinks that you are not into and that means you two aren’t compatible in the bedroom, then i don’t think this one off is going to change anything. He may not need them fulfilled all the time but if “having him find them elsewhere” is needed now, ten years down the road it will not have changed. Best to part ways now than somewhere down the road.

  17. You need to value yourself and end this relationship. If you’re sexually incompatible it’s not going to work.

  18. They knew better, even if you’re not together and we’re fully broken up what kind of friend does that with someone you were once with. Coming from a 21 year old you deserve better on both parts (friend and boyfriend) don’t dump him for “your incompetence” dump him bc he knew damn well that you were planning to get back together and that would affect your relationship

  19. I’m sorry but sexual incompatibility, in any shade or form, is not a suitable foundation for a long term romantic relationship. You can love and adore someone to the moon and back but if you’re not on the same page sexually, whatever that page may be, it will be a mortal wound to the relationship. You can drag it out as long as you’d like but it’s not something that can be overlooked, ignored, downplayed or overcome. It’s best to find someone more suitable/compatible for you if you’re looking for a long term relationship.

  21. You are young and incompatible. Don’t waste any more time on this relationship or worrying about it, the best thing is to make the break permanent.

    In the non-monogamous community it is common to date among friends and established social circles so I disagree that such a boundary can be assumed if not stated directly. I have had many friends transition to romantic or sexual partners and back to friends or something more serious or casual over time. I just don’t try to force or worry about it and let each individual relationship find its own level. It is much nicer and less stressful than approaching strangers for such things. But I get that the majority of monogamous people don’t operate this way but I do not date monogamous people.

  23. Break up for incompatibility not incompetence. Don’t internalize and take blame for others actions, you’ll get cancer.

  24. Probably best to just go seperate ways then, obviously he has a lack of respect, boundaries or not thats not okay

  25. A friend is sooooo completely off limits, selfish, and cruel. 😘 move on dear, even if you cry and eat a large pizza ever day for a week by yourself. That’s not a red flag, that’s a giant red banner. Depressingly consider yourself lucky this early 😔

  26. Yes, break up with him. No one… absolutely no one at only 18 years old should begrudgingly accept an open relationship because your’e afraid your partner isn’t satisfied with you. That’s the sad compromise of a married couple who doesn’t want to separate for the kids (and even that should be advised against). Should you have discussed boundaries.. were but there’s also a common sense element and a crossing of lines. Your feelings are valid but this isn’t going to get better. There really isn’t anything to save here other than your’e holding onto someone you are not compatible with for the sake of history.

  27. Your recently becoming an adult made me chuckle. Only because you could be 14 or 50, you should still dump his ass. You shouldn’t have had to say anything, it’s quite obvious. I also think the friend has some ownership in this, they could have easily said no as well

  28. I’m not certain you’re getting the point of peoples’ reactions, OP, so I will try and cut to the chase.

    Whether or not your BF was explicitly barred from seeking our mutual acquaintances for sexual exploration, he should have been respectful enough to bar himself from doing so. He should have done so in order to both treat your with respect and avoid destroying friendships you’ve both developed with others.

    It says something very negative about him that he decided to do away with logical thinking and jumped right to sexting a mutual friend. It’s not great that the friend obliged, but who knows what your BF told her…the root “sin” here is your BFs, not hers.

    People are suggesting you break up with your BF because he has shown remarkably poor judgment and, thus, cannot be trusted to be a good partner in the future. Also, sexual incompatibility is clearly going to be a long-term problem when one partner has so little self-control.

  29. If you’re incompatible, you’re incompatible.

    You don’t need some big reason to break up, you can just say “this isn’t right for either of us” and move on.

  30. I sympathize with you being so overwhelmed! Becoming an adult is difficult but something important to remember is that dating is an audition for a long term role in your life. You’re incompatible and that’s not because of a problem with YOU. You’re going to be ok and you’ll find a partner whose desires match with yours!! Hang in there, ok? Break up with him and give yourself some grace here.

  31. If I’m understanding this correctly, your bf wants to screw married women? Or does he want some other guy to be with his SO, which theoretically is you? I don’t understand how he’s just “work through” this issue. I don’t understand it but it seems like a permanent kind of thing.

    Also, if your sex preferences aren’t compatible to this extent, whether it’s fetishes or frequency or gender preference, this relationship isn’t going to work.

    I’m sorry. This situation isn’t something you created. It’s just a natural progression of something that something unsustainable from the beginning.

  32. Break up, you’re only 18 and you have time to discover yourself and what you want from life.

  33. Trust me you’ll look back on shit like this is 5-10 years and be excruciatingly embarrassed about it. you won’t even count this guy a legitimate former boyfriend when you’re 30.

    Also your boyfriend has now discovered you can’t trust anyone to keep a secret. Your mutual friend blabbing this to you has caused all this heartache, she’s not a friend she’s rubbing your face in it. She could have simply rejected him or ignored it entirely and you’d never have known.

    Also, and i know i’ll be downvoted for this but i’ll say for the X’th time; for men it’s a deal breaker to have a girlfriend disgusted at the idea of sex. Every day I see a topic with a lady saying they refuse to have sex with their boyfriend/husband then wondering why the relationship is struggling.

  34. Uh uh no no no , listen not whey boundary has to be communicated inorder for your partner to adhere to , it’s literally common sense and okay for a sec let’s say this is misscomunucation in the long run do you think a partner and a friend neither of which thought of the effects of their actions will do you any good ?

  37. Maturity is overrated. It comes from hard life experiences. You can’t force it or learn it, or take a break to become so. They betrayed your trust: no amount of maturity gets you to swallow that. He is not your man, pick someone else who loves you as you are and make that journey together.

  38. When I was your age I couldn’t even tell right from left lmao. My relationships were messy and short lived because everybody has so much to figure out at that age. Ditch him that is 100% loser behaviour to immediately sext someone you know. So weird and awkward.

    Also I don’t want to kink shame but how the fuck does he know he’s into *that* at 19???? Its OK to experiment at that age but I really think he should examine why he’s so into it when he’s barely even scratched the surface of who he is and what he wants.

    Both of you cut you losses please.

  39. You are teenagers and have not even lived any life yet. Move on from the immaturity and grow as a person. 💐

  40. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s just the guy that’s f*cking you. I assure you that is exactly how he thinks of you. Hint: He is NOT the one.

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