So I’m on a break right now with my gf. She thinks I can be dismissive sometimes. She thinks I don’t have good communication skills…..so now I am gonna try to work on that.
She kind of gave me two options either I don’t put in time to change/better myself or she’s gone. We haven’t spoke in 2 weeks. She said she wanted distance while I better myself. I almost feel like I’m in a timeout. I don’t hurt others and don’t believe I am a dismissive person. Do I have bad communication? Yeah, I think I do.
I’m happy she’s willing to work with me and grow together but I also feel like if she’s willing to leave me because of this it makes me nervous. I see my issue as an issue to work on yes but I didn’t think it would have been a deal breaker for her. She also perceives things I say in a negative light when I don’t mean it that way. Again I can recognize my problem but I feel like if I don’t measure up to what she wants she can leave me at any time. I’m all about changing and growth but constantly changing little things to please her when most don’t see it as a dealbreaker or toxic trait makes me concerned. She is a little of a perfectionist. How should we go about this? How do I tell her my feelings? Am I wrong, does she not have unreasonable expectations? Thanks!
2 comments
The thing is, she’s not “working with you.” She’s literally dismissed you (oh the irony). How are you supposed to work on a problem she has with how you treat her when you’re not even talking to her?
This makes no sense.
It’s great to work on oneself. It’s great to work on problems as a couple. Nobody’s working on anything while you’re not even speaking. She can dislike whatever she wants but she doesn’t get to punish you until you do as she wants. WTF is that?
I don’t know if you’re dismissive AF and don’t realize it or if she’s too sensitive but it doesn’t matter—the point is that if you say something she perceives as dismissive she needs to say in the moment “that was dismissive” and then you 2 need to talk it out and resolve it. Working on communication is also a 2 person project. She’s being what many would call emotionally abusive and manipulative by taking this “break”. If you want to work on improving things that’s great but you need to tell her you either do it together of not at all.
>*constantly changing little things to please her* when most don’t see it as a dealbreaker or toxic trait makes me concerned.
either:
1. you’ve a few little things that you’re unable to change, hence the demand to constantly change things, or
2. you’ve thousands of little things that you need to change, but that takes decades, hence the demand to change things
With (1.), you’re incompatible if she cannot tolerate what you appear unable to change.
With (2.), you’re incompatible as everyone would find that intolerable and a dealbreaker due to sheer volume, even though individually each item is largely inconsequential, imo.