35 yo F dating a 36 yo M for the past 4 years. My parents live about a 7-hour drive away so my boyfriend has traveled with me to meet them for the first time in 2018. The visit went pretty well and he said they weren’t as intimidating as he’d expected. The next time he visited was for Thanksgiving in 2019, and he flew so that travel time was only an hour.
Since then, because of the pandemic, I’ve only asked him to come for Thanksgiving 2021 (he declined) my mom’s birthday April 2021 and April 2022 (he declined), and to join me on FaceTime when my mom wanted to say hi (he declined). It’s now September 2022 and my parents will be in town and want to get breakfast in a city about an hour away. In response to whether he wants to go to breakfast with my parents his response was, “I don’t want to, but I’ll go.” And when I asked if he could tell me more about why he doesn’t want to, his response was, “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.” And when I pressed, he got defensive so I dropped the subject and am now asking the internet.
I’ve attended New Years with his family in 2018 and 2019, and Christmas in 2021.
My boyfriend is actually the type of person who has family events every week so while I can’t attend everything, I make sure to always attend birthdays, weddings, baby showers, etc. even when they are 30- 60 minutes away. And I attend family get togethers when I can. So it really bothers me that he’s visibly disappointed when I can’t attend a family event even though I just saw his family like 2 weeks ago, yet when I ask him to talk to my family on FaceTime once a year to help wish my mom a happy birthday or travel 1 hour every 6 months to see them, he acts irritated and like I’m asking him for a huge and unreasonable sacrifice. It seems so selfish to me.
What should I do?
Tl;Dr: boyfriend of 4 yrs has declined Facetime, phone, and in person conversations with my parents
5 comments
You should tell him that your family is just as important to you as his family is to him, and you are worried for the future of your relationship with him, because he doesn’t seem to be putting in the effort to become part of your family, as you are doing for him with his. And that you want a future where you and your partner are both happily part of each other’s families, and if that isn’t something he thinks he can give you, then you two need to work out what he can give you and whether or not it is enough.
Why did he think your parents would be intimidating the first time he went to meet them?
> so I dropped the subject and am now asking the internet.
And how would we know lol? You’re annoyed about this: tell him that. Tell him that you don’t understand what he doesn’t like about visiting your family: tell him it’s important to you. See what he has to say about it.
>My boyfriend is actually the type of person who has family events every week
Good god, that sounds impossibly exhausting.
Why do you want to force your bf to do something he CLEARLY doesn’t want to do?
He has a relationship with you not them. If you want somebody that likes your family find another guy. This one doesn’t want to!