My dad tries to emasculate me in front of my girlfriend. this is something that has been bothering me for a long time.
I am an 18 M with a 18 F girlfriend. My dad is 50.
My dad provided for me when my mom took off years ago. But he is a real asshole in numerous ways very bad temper, binge drinking, narcissistic tendencies. I am trying to get out of the house by the New Year.
My dad is a really big, muscular guy who is really skilled general contractor. I always was kinda proud of how big and tough he was and a little jealous I am kinda short and chubby.
This spring I had my first long term girlfriend and at first my dad was super proud and supportive.
This summer things changed and he has become mean, clearly jealous I am happy and tries to low key emasculate me and flirt with my GF.
Nothing ever overt or really creepy but, just wearing extra tight shirts around her, making sure he always talks to her. He makes this little comments about how cool her hair color looks. It is hard to pin down but it is flirting.
He also pokes fun at me, like asks if I have enough money for the movies, or tells me I could stand to lay off on the ice cream or Slurpee.
The other problem is my GF admits she is uncomfortable but does nothing in the moment and gets flustered and upset when I tell her I think my dad is creepy with her. She does not even want to talk about it, she just says she thinks my dad is flirty and laughs it off or makes fun of him.
It has killed my confidence and sex drive now too.
I have no clue what to say to my dad and I told my GF that I am just going to stop having her come over when he is around.
I know there is something off here but no clue how to fix it.
29 comments
Is your dad also my mother?? She (47) literally came downstairs to where me (22) and my boyfriend (28) were sitting to show off a tight red dress she’d bought, asking him if she thought the split was too high and blabbering on about how the dress would look better if she had the right underwear on. My mother is also hugely narcissistic and bad tempered. I really don’t have any advice for you here, I can only say that I empathise with you. People will say you have to ‘talk’ to him and tell him how you feel but talking doesn’t fix much with narcissists because they’re incapable of understanding or caring how we feel. Stick with your initial plan of keeping your GF away when your father is home and see how that helps.
As a somewhat well adjusted adult, let me just say a 50yo man who has to flirt with an 18yo, let alone their kid’s girlfriend, is pathetic.
Your dad is pathetic. You probably don’t have the perspective to see it yet because you still depend on him, so allow me to say it.
The only reason he has to pick on a couple of 18 year olds is because people his own age and probably younger are sick of his bullshit. Your dad sadly has gaps inside of himself that no amount of muscle or money or booze will ever fix, just so you know and your girlfriend know to put up boundaries now and don’t feel any guilt about that, because that’s not how normal parents act. You probably know that, but I just comment to reasure you in case you have any doubt.
Your dad can’t attract any other 18 year old and sort of has command over her at your home ,stop having her over at your home. He is jealous of the two of you
Do your best to get away from your father. I know at your age that’s hard to do. But you have the right to never speak to your father again once you’re financially stable.
We cant keep toxic people in our lives if we want to have healthy relationships.
Just play devils advocate, if you did say you didn’t have enough money for the movies what would he do? Would he make fun of you for not having money or actually give you money to go out with your girlfriend? I think that would be a big sign of his real intentions. I can understand your feelings on how you feel but I think really talking to him about this is better than assuming his intentions are automatically bad
My dad used to do this with my high school girlfriends. It’s fucking weird.
He’s probably mad because he knows you are leaving him. A lot of narrcists have a deep seared fear of rejection. That is playing out in front of him in real time. Your girlfriend is a clear representation of you having a successful happy life – that doesn’t involve him in any way. That drives him nuts, so he’s trying to destroy that while also not openly revealing how big of a shit he is being.
Tell your girlfriend not to speak to him. I’m serious. When he asks her a question, you answer. Don’t confront him. Just keep your GF safe by keeping him away from her.
k so when ur dads asks if u have enough money for movies say “no give me $50”
Perks of not having a dad (joking)
In regards to your sex drive, fuck that shit. Your dad is a weirdo creep, sit down with your penis and just breathe and then jerk off to your gf and think about all the weird 18 yr old stuff you want to do. I’m 20 and had a problem with my sex drive lately as well. Also try talking to your gf about it and MAKE SURE that she knows it isn’t her that’s causing these problems. I probably wouldn’t bring up your dad is killing it but idk that’s just me!
This sounds like my MIL, who always had some weird competition with my wife when she was younger.
She’s been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which can come along with seeing their same-sex children as competition.
wow, comments are harsh, and I am not trying to stand up for scummy behavior, and obviously I am not there to know exactly what is going on…
but it sounds like he might be cracking jokes thinking they are funny when you find them totally unfunny and creepy.
he is a 50, works construction and is raising his kid basically by himself, I don’t know why mom left him or anything.
what I am trying to say is, whats the possibility that the guy is trying to be cool in this situation, make some small talk while his boy comes down to meet his girlfriend and ribs him a little when he does cause hey it might suck but that is what he is used to… especially in construction
what are the odds it is being interpreted as cringey and yea it is cringey… when he is just trying to be a dad the best he knows with little socialization in the last 15 years and especially not knowing what kids 32 years younger than him are into or how they interpret things…
like I said, I could be wrong, I am not there… but everyone is just going straight to the worst…
Its healthy to have your guard up and to be cognizant of these things, “healthy Paranoia” is real, but it sounds like everyone here is putting this guy in the pedophilia category right out the gate…
> I know there is something off here but no clue how to fix it.
Oh, you do know, and you’re doing it:
Stay away from your dad with your girlfriend and do move out by New Years.
Living a fulfilled life and having a happy relationship with her *away from him* will be a great reward to you, and ample mortification for your father.
no offense but this is typical dad banter and just strikes me as you being insecure. which is totally fine and normal. we’re all insecure at some point in our lives for various reasons and some of us learn to overcome it. it takes time.
to me it seems like your insecurity stems from money and fitness. start working out and making money and i guarantee you’ll look back on these days thinking they were silly.
It is not your girlfriend’s job to stand up to your creepy, pervy dad. It’s yours. She is likely intimidated and weirded out. I would’ve been at 18. I would know what to do.
Next time he does something just say, in front of both of them, “Hey, it’s really not appropriate to be hitting on an 18 year old grandpa. Nice shirt. You wear that extra tight today so the 18 year old would think you’re hot?”
You might also want to cross post this to r/raisedbynarcissists
You’ve already fixed it. You’ve decided to stop bringing your gf into a bad situation (short-term fix) and are making moves to remove yourself from that situation (long-term fix). Your gf is 18 and– like you– is still finding her own footing. That is, she doesn’t have a lot of relevant experience to draw on. It’s not fair of you to expect her to do “something in the moment” when you yourself are posting here because you “have no clue how to fix it.” Alternatively, consider that she might understand what’s going on and is confident that you are handling it. Which, it seems to me, you are.
Yea you’re dad is creepy. That’s also pretty sad. Don’t be mad at your GF though she’s getting attention that she’s probably not used to. I’d bet she also just doesn’t know the appropriate way to react being young. I wouldn’t bring anyone around your dad and have a conversation with him about it sometime in the future. Be mature about it and don’t let your dad brush you off.
Your dad sounds like a loser 🤷♀️
Based only on the examples and context that you gave, you are projecting your own insecurities.
Your dad is muscular, you are chubby, fair. Muscular guys tend to wear tight shirts. You seeing this as emasculating speaks more to your own body insecurities.
Your dad talking to your gf that he is proud that you have, could be seen as supportive. My GF would find out weird if she visited me at my parents house and they didn’t speak to her or show interest.
Him poking fun at you is definitely wrong, but he may be trying to motivate you with negative reenforcment. You should address this directly with him and not reddit.
Lots of people mistake niceness for flirting, and I believe you have too. Despite your dad’s other problems, this seems like a you problem
When he’s talking to your GF, you should say “hey dad, weren’t you going to finally tell me why mom left?” And just see what he says.
Add “immature and cannot get along with women his age who likely see him as a pathetic child” to your list of descriptions of your dad. That’s likely why he is trying to compete with you for your girlfriend’s attention. He cannot stand that he can’t get that so he’s putting you down and flirting with her.
Your dad is gross and a shitty person, which you seem to know. I recommend going no contact with him once you leave home. You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life. And frankly, your dad sounds too immature and too much of a narcissist to improve by doing the emotional work he needs. He just doesn’t sound very intelligent in that department. I hope you are able to heal from all his toxic shit as you get older. I suggest some good therapy for your own happiness.
Talk directly to him how you think. Maybe your reading the wrong signals .
After reading the first 2 sentences your dad is that old school get tough yada yada, my son aint gonna grow up to be no sissy, here have a cigarette it will put hair on your chest blah blah blah.
After readong the rest of it im just curious if your dad had a hard time with his dad showing him actual love and acceptance. My old man didnt have it easy with his dad either and now that im older it shows. I think my dad is trying to be funny but it just comes off all wrong, sorta narcistic, shovenistic and just all wrong.
Maybe just talk to him about his growin up in his teenage years and see how his old man tread him might give you an idea as to where hes at mentally in his life. Like you said he binge drinks and thats not good for the physical and mental health.
Hi. Dad here. My oldest son is 16.
I try to be nice to my sons girlfriends. I am 40 this month, I am big and burly. Hard working mother fucker.
I’m a spunky guy. Hell, I have 3 daughters too. If their hair is nice. I tell them so. ‘Hey, who did your hair? It looks nice!’ I don’t do it to be creepy or a jerk. I do it to give a compliment.
I don’t screw with my son to hurt I’m his feelings. I do it to get him to think. You sure you should do this!?!
I don’t know your dad. I don’t know what he’s like. I can only speculate with the tiny bit of information you’ve given.
You can either take things at face value or you can be a victim. Being a victim is so 2022. Everybody seems to want to be one. ‘Im sad because my dad told my girlfriend that her hair is nice!’
Or you can say, ‘yeah. I like her hair too!’
Brush crap off. Unless he is literally making advances to her. Like ‘hey my son sucks. We should get together’ then give him the pickle man. This is real life. Sometimes you will feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you’ll want to have cry. Sometimes youll feel depressed.
Fuck my childhood was horrendous. I got my ass KICKED as a drop of a dime because I didn’t say the right things or this or that. That continued in the military. Everybody wanted to one up you and make you look like dog shit.
I remember the recruiter telling me ‘the drill Sargent’s can’t even cuss at you anymore’ I remember being on the bus arriving at Lackland AFB and the DI getting on the bus and he said, ‘im going to give you 15 seconds to get the FUCK OFF OF MY BUS!’
Well shit here we go. I jumped out the window and fucked my hand up. Then we did 100 pushups.
Needless to say. I don’t know your dad. But I think you maybe possibly over reacting. You’re in an echo chamber of people who are probably younger and are going to egg you on to do something you may not want to do.
So I’m going to offer you worldly advice. Talk to your dad. Tell him your concerns and ask him. Maybe he’s just giving you a ball busting. Maybe he just liked this woman your dating and he would like to see you guys together long term.
There are so many possibilities but you simply won’t know until you ask.
Remember Prophet Muhammad started, “The remedy to ignorance is to ask questions”.
Don’t be afraid. Ask the questions.
Please don’t be upset with your girlfriend for not doing anything in the moment she must feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable and the only thing she can do is laugh it off because it’s so awkward and humiliating and embarrassing and it’s really not her place to say or do anything as of yet.
Try not to resent your girlfriend for not doing or saying anything. It’s not her responsibility or her fault, this is extremely uncomfortable for her. If anything, it would be more of your responsibility to lay that boundary with your dad, but given your circumstances, it’s understandable that you might not want to go head-to-head with him just yet. Just “grey rock” and avoid bringing her around him for now.
Hey man, I understand you’re upset, and this whole situation is super uncomfortable.
I do want to touch on something though-
*The other problem is my GF admits she is uncomfortable but does nothing in the moment and gets flustered and upset when I tell her I think my dad is creepy with her*
There is not much to discuss here with her unfortunately. If she is over at your place and your dad is around and being weird to her- that’s not her fault in the slightest, and unless she is leaning into the flirting or something like that (which I doubt because she has expressed her discomfort with the situation, it seems), she is pretty much just as much of a victim here as you, and there’s not much she can do in this situation other than try to let it play out and blow over.
In the future, it’s probably best to just stick to hanging out publicly or at her place. Move out asap and probably distance yourself from your dad, because he sounds a bit narcissistic and toxic for you.
Find yourself fella. Find your confidence as a person. You seem timid at every turn. You’re an adult, act like one. Talk to him. Tell him to knock it off, call him out. This is the way the world works as an adult. No one comes to rescue you, you have to stand up for yourself or you will get steam rolled.
Lmao at all these macho “things are only valid at face value” “intuition is imaginary” types.