How do I end a toxic friendship?
Tl;dr: want to end relationship with a toxic friend but unsure how to handle it.
We are both women in our early thirties (I’m 30, she’s 33)
This is an old friend from college and we’ve been connected for about 12 years. While we used to be close, a lot has changed and she is no longer a valued person in my life.
She will disappear on me for months at a time, and has a pattern of only showing up when she hears things are going bad for me. Example: after I spent about 6 months trying to hang out with no success, she heard through the grapevine that my serious relationship ended. Then all of a sudden she re-appears to “be there for me” and talk shit about my ex, which I actually did not appreciate at all.
It’s like she’s not willing to celebrate my wins, only show off during my losses. She also sometimes embarrasses me around peers and colleagues with her general demeanor and just off-putting things she says.
I’ve really thought about this a lot and I’m done entertaining her in my life. It’s difficult because there’s so much history there. I’ve tried the slow fade but she’s not getting the hint. I’m sick of declining invites and constantly telling her I’m busy.
I hate confrontation but it looks like I might have to be direct with her.
How do I approach this tactfully?
4 comments
I had to end one not long ago, but my circumstances were very different from yours. I would text her something like “Look, I’m sorry, but I want to end our friendship. Let’s stop contacting each other. Good luck in life!”. She probably will ask why. Explain to her, tell her how you felt and that you don’t want to fix anything, just stop being friends. If she refuses, block her.
>I hate confrontation but it looks like I might have to be direct with her. How do I approach this tactfully?
“Friend, I don’t feel inspired to continue our connection since I do not feel we can maintain the kind of relationship I want in my life right now. I want you to be as authentic as you can and I’m not interested in others having to change to accommodate me. I’ve changed as a person and I just don’t feel this relationship serves me anymore.
I know this may be upsetting so I understand if you’d rather not respond. My intent is to give you a day or two to decide if you’d like to respond before we can end communication and give each other the space to move on.”
Ending friendship is hard. On one hand, one can feel it’s the right thing to confront it directly out of respect for the friendship that was had…
On the other hand, it’s fair to consider whether such a discussion will be worth the trouble it may bring. After all, if the communication was good and boundaries were respected, there’d probably be no need to end the friendship.
I’ve found that “hashing things out” does not work in these situations because it would become a fight which if I’d made up my mind, would be a waste of energy.
Sometimes it is truly best to just keep distancing – reminding yourself that you don’t “have to” answer their texts / messages promptly or engage with them (you’re busy!)- and eventually the connection will die a natural death.
However – if the person is just truly relentless in pursuit of your response and you feel you need to just end the friendship, you might consider saying that you feel you’ve grown apart and that you don’t mean any ill will, but that you’re not available for hanging out /chatting. She may act as if you owe her more than that ( details and a subsequent fight) but you don’t.
>Example: after I spent about 6 months trying to hang out with no success, she heard through the grapevine that my serious relationship ended. Then all of a sudden she re-appears to “be there for me” and talk shit about my ex,
I think it’s interesting that you are putting an *incredibly negative* frame on this behavior. Now, maybe that’s justified based on things you didn’t share, but based only on what you shared, I could interpret this story a completely different way: “My friend has been super busy for the past six months, but when she heard I was in a rough spot she made time in her schedule to be sure she could be there for some good girl-time.”
It’s also really weird – and something feels like it’s not quite adding up, when your primary criticism is that she’s not around enough, but you’re also “sick of declining invites” and the slow fade doesn’t work because she’s around so much and “constantly” putting you in the position of having to tell her you’re busy.
So something doesn’t really add up there. You’re painting a picture of someone who really wants to spend time with you but you’re calling her “toxic” for not wanting to spend time with you.
It’s pretty normal for adult friendships to go through lulls when people are busy. Maybe there’s some other element of toxicity – and I get that shit-talking your ex isn’t really your thing, but, you know, you can redirect those conversations – but just based on what you shared … something isn’t tracking.