I’m still hung up on a girl I met a year ago. I’m trying so hard to get over her, but I can’t.
For some background, I’m a 20-year-old college student at a top business school. About a year ago, I had an introductory tech management course, and I was instantly attracted to my 21-year-old teaching assistant. In the most genuine way possible, she’s the smartest, kindest, and the most accomplished person I’ve ever met.
During that semester, I regularly went to her office hours, tried to talk to her after class, etc. I think she knew I was attracted to her; I’m anything but subtle when it comes to romance. I ended up asking her out after our final exam, and she agreed to a coffee date with me. I felt over the moon.
We got coffee, and–here is the weird part–I thought it went poorly. Even though we talked for three hours, I just didn’t feel a strong connection. I even went home and practiced ways to tell her I wasn’t interested, but I ultimately decided against it. I figured it was a one-off and thought she was too amazing on paper to not give her a second date.
By the time the second date came around, I decided to surprise her with socks she told me she wanted for Christmas. She told me it was sweet, and we got lunch together at a nice restaurant. This time, I felt a strong spark. I vividly remember just gazing at her and thinking about how–at that moment–I’d do anything if it made her happy. At this point, she was giving me mixed signals, so I told her that I didn’t want to take her out anymore if she wasn’t interested in me. I didn’t want to keep putting her in uncomfortable positions if I was wasting her time. After I walked her back to her apartment, she gave me a long hug and told me she’d let me know her decision in the next few days.
A few days later, she called me and said she didn’t think we were compatible, and she didn’t feel a spark. I took it respectfully, thanked her for being honest with me, and reiterated that every compliment I gave her was just as true now as when I said them. Beneath the surface, I was devastated. After the call, I cried for about an hour.
Inconveniently, rejection, as I’m sure some of you can relate to, seems to make me more attracted to a person. I have a pretty high view of myself, so when someone says they don’t think of me as a good romantic partner, I question how people really see me. Over the past few months, I’ve accomplished more than I ever have in my life, not to win her back, but to prove myself to myself.
She is an excellent computer programmer, so I figured developing strong programming skills might help me get over her. Today, I’ve gone from zero programming experience to a teaching assistant for two courses at a top business school and someone who was offered a job as a technologist at a finance company. I also designed my own virtual assistant, e-commerce site, wiki website, and email platform from scratch. I feel myself slipping into workaholism. I program for 8 hours a day on top of my two jobs and full university course load.
She’s gotten quite successful too. She’s now a teaching assistant for a grad-level data science course at 21. Her success judges me, and I feel like I have to be better. It’s so weird because I’m not even attracted to her anymore. I saw her walking down the street the other day, and I didn’t even feel anything: no butterflies at all.
How do I stop this madness and get over her?
12 comments
Not being compatible has nothing to do with how good you are Jesus
Well, maybe thats a good thing your becoming a workaholic.
its not good that your wanting to compare but it’s understandable.
I had a similar situation when me and my ex broke up, for the first 4 months after me and him split, we were together for 7 months. I broke down emotionally and stopped caring about things, and then eventually i just felt numb through everything and tried to rush myself to either go work or go sleep. In February of this year after his grandpa died, he made amendments with me (keep in mind, we did bad shit to eachother) and we tried to rebuild things but he decided it didnt work out so i had to block him to keep my pride then he ended up trying to force himself on my friend (yikes). I also started a diet around that time; and the more weight i lost as i progressed gave me confidence and more willpower in everything i did which that also grew up until now after noticing how generally dating is hard and a majority of people are toxic, I’ve become content with everything as it is and continued working and growing myself, which counts since all that growth and money saved would get me somewhere in life and the funniest thing about it all is you’ll enjoy working and developing yourself more and more, and feel content with everything and more happier as you dedicate more energy into what you do and keep yourself to that. You’ll have enough self determination and empowerment to know that majority of people aren’t right for you; and that you have standards and that your valued. You’ll also look back at a later point in your life and recognize the amount of self love snd pride you had; and you’ll want to keep that continuing so the next major heartbreak you have wont be as bad as you’ll reaffirm yourself of how good you are and that everything will be okay.
You want to get over her ap now you’re competing against her? Ok.
Just keep working and self improving then. Nobody in the world cares about you unless you’re very successful. I know from experience.
> so I figured developing strong programming skills might help me get over her. Today, I’ve gone from zero programming experience to a teaching assistant for two courses at a top business school and someone who was offered a job as a technologist at a finance company.
bro getting dumped by this woman was the best thing to happen to you in your life
Wow. I’m 20 and have been through a similar situation. But i felt into laziness and porn addiction. Trying to get angry on myself and trying to work to achieve big and prove them wrong. I know it’s super unhealthy but see this. Your anger needs to be channelized, i wasted it and kept on feeling miserable. But you didn’t fall for drugs, porn, or anything of that sort and here you are at such an amazing position. Now you are not even broke. Keep on hustling. And go to a therapist. I do not think this might be a great time to find another gf. So let this time pass a bit. And try dating again.
Also remember don’t try too hard to get over some people, “tell your mind it’s ok and I’m with u, if u(your mind) want to think let’s go and explore, but then make yourself understand that it is what it is. And it’s painful. From now on we will go into dating without any unrealistic expectations. And thank God I’m just in my early 20s and experienced all that i would have later in life. Thank God I didn’t choose laziness but worked my ass off. I know we will figure out a way. Infact what you(again your mind) and i did up until now, is fricking awesome.”
Hope this helps.
Can you now tell me how to start working? And get out of laziness?
Work, workout and build your confidence. I was just kike you a couple of months ago bro. Stops hurting eventually
Let it die down naturally . When it ends you will be a person with high quality in-demand skills.
I think that you need to take some time for yourself. Look for counseling (some schools offer it for free), or look for something like meditation, or something that could bring you into a sort of zen state.
It’s admirable that you turned something of a bad situation into something positive, but it doesn’t seem like you’re allowing yourself to feel those feelings and that is what is consuming you. I don’t know what it’s like to live the life you do, but I can tell that it has been difficult for you, and that perhaps subconsciously you just want to keep busy to avoid those feelings. Being honest with someone helps, but there is a difference between being honest to complete strangers that don’t know you well, to someone that is more familiar to you and your story.
When I was 17, I fell hard for a girl that was my first relationship, that only lasted 3 months. She broke things off. I spent years, subconsciously thinking about her, and just dating and having terrible dating experiences. It didn’t help that our situation got toxic as years went by. What helped me get through that, eventually a good relationship that I ruined, a friend that was very blunt and straightforward, and ultimately it was seeing a counselor that helped me in the end. Helped me realize why that relationship was so important to me, and it had to do a lot with my parent’s failed marriage, with the blame I was putting on myself for things that happened in my life and weren’t in my control, for feeling lost so often for losing people in my life.
See, idk much but it seems like you haven’t really has closure, and well you need that. You need to put this behind you. You sound like a much smarter person than I am, and I think it’s safe to say that you can avoid my own mistakes in life. And well, you need to dig deep at why this matters to you as much as it does. Because it doesn’t sound like a simple answer.
I don’t think I’m buying this. Your ages haven’t changed from the beginning of the story so I’m expected all of this happened in less than a year??? 2 jobs, full time school, and an extra 8 hours a day for programming??? Dont buy it. That leaves you like 8 hours in total spread across a week to do chores, grocery shop, eat, shit, shower, and possibly homework among other things. I’ve worked a full time job and full time school with an internship and that left me with just a few hours a night max but I had some weekends free. Add 8 hours to each of those days every night? Add an extra job too? You are either exaggerating or straight up making this up. You don’t become a master programmer in under a year to get over a girl. That seems obsessive/creepy at best and a pile of shit lie at its worst. Imho.
Her success doesn’t judge you, she isn’t living her life to shame you. Sleep with other people and the unhealthy obsession will pass.
Bro I was in a similar situation myself not that long ago. So you took your shot it didn’t work out unfortunately. Rejection is very painful but it’s only temporary regret lasts a lifetime. If you didn’t try you would have spent the rest of your life wondering if she was the one now at least you have closure. Your still very young and obviously smart you have to find a good work/personal life balance. In time I guarantee there will be another one that comes along that will recognize your value. It’s good that you used your rejection to fuel your success but it’s time to stop letting her live rent free in your head.