People that I find physically and mentally interesting are taken or I don’t know how to approach them.
I go out on a tinder date or maybe a guy approaches me and it’s like if a computer scan activates and in a couple of minutes I know if I’m interested or not based on how he writes/talks, overall appearance and interests. I can’t get rid of these filters and my brain tells me, why are you even bothering going on a second date? You know you’re not gonna like it. And I’m telling to myself that I have to try and stop judging so much after 1 date but unfortunately I’m always right and I have to find that speech were I tell them it’s not you, it’s me.
I have this pre-set idea that the guy has to be somehow smarter than me or someone that can stimulate my intelect but when I find someone like that, it doesn’t attract me physically and all I want to do is talk and I feel that it’s not right, especially for the guy. If it attracts me physically, I feel like I don’t have many things to talk about. I don’t want to keep putting them into friend zone.
I don’t know if I’m superficial, if I have unrealistic expectations (I have been in realtionships with guys that were both smart and handsome), if I’m focusing too much in finding a meaning in every interaction or what’s my problem but I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m better than others, I don’t think that someone needs to fight for me or my attention but I just can’t have the patience to go for more than max 2 dates because my brain it’s telling me that so far I didn’t met anyone for me. I’ve been avoiding men for so long that now I think even if someone right appears, I will run away because I wouldn’t know what to do.
4 comments
Idk that’s why I’ve never done the tinder dating thing. It just feels too forced. I avoided the online thing and waited for a couple of years until I found someone in person that clicked and I’ve been with that person for over 4 years now. There’s just a different magic to relationships when it all happens naturally
Is normal.
You into good looking and smart guys.
The reason why you dont get those that easily is….
They rare.
If you are well educated and also very attractive, it’s going to be hard in general to find others who are as attractive and smart as you are, no matter if you are looking for guys or girls. Even moreso if you are are looking for a guy who is smarter than you. You are by default looking for a top ~10% guy, depending on how attractive and smart you are. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, It’s just expected that you will not be attracted to 90% of guys who will proposition you, and if you have a good enough inkling to know which guys you would be into for the long haul and which are not then your computer scan is a good thing to not waste time. I would suggest though, that you dont simply look at people as being smart/not smart or attractive/unattractive. Try to get to really know someone in a good faith attempt when you are in dates, people are often smart in different ways and it might take a while to show.
May I ask you what you define as smart or intellectual? Is it just a degree or more? The reason I ask this is because I myself and some of my friends have this problem in being ignored in dating because of it. Not very high educated. But smart through our experiences in life, job, and practicality. One of my friends can pick apart pretty much any machine, understand how it works, and put it back together. Something I consider pretty smart because few people nowadays can do so. But still he is a mechanic without much other education. Other life experiences aswell. Would you consider this smart and be open to dating such a person? I would like to understand this topic more.