So my husband and I (F/M in early 20s,he’s older than me), got married in December and I’ve felt it’s gone downhill from there. When getting married we were so excited and planned a courthouse marriage and honeymoon.
He’s a sweet guy and a hard worker, but it’s like once we got married the red flags I thought were just improvement areas showed otherwise. I feel so so dumb for not seeing these things sooner but because of it I’m feeling very unfulfilled and I don’t even care to talk about it with him anymore. I’m going to bullet point the reasons with examples below.
* He’s financially immature. I didn’t see it at first because he was able to handle things like our phone bill and his car until we moved in together. He will allow things to go to collections on his credit and doesn’t have a sense of urgency about it like I do. (In order to have anything nice without lots of money you need good credit and I’m the only one with it. So I always feel the weight of having the good credit alone) He is in a family business and doesn’t see the importance of putting money into a bank let alone filing a 1040 or whatever the tax term is. (This makes once again it all fall on my credit and my income alone for any big purchase especially housing/apartment despite my multiple times telling him to at least deposit all his earnings and take it out). Not to mention as a wedding gift he said he’d pay for a couch I wanted and bc of his financial immaturity I pay for that on top of everything else. Something he promised was a gift.
* He’s emotionally disconnected. I am a communicator and come from a dysfunctional family that’s similar to his. But I rose above it and he adapted by learning how to bottle everything up. He doesn’t speak on his emotions freely/willingly nor does he ask about mine so I started over communicating and draining myself. When I don’t, we can be in the house together and he won’t talk. He says it’s because it’s hard to talk to me and while I’m a more blunt person than he is, I think it’s more so because I’m not going to allow the previous bullet point : financial immaturity. I hold him accountable and he’s not used to it so he thinks it’s some kind of attack. Leading to my next point .
* He’s not a leader. Unfortunately , through growing responsibilities I’ve realized that he isn’t able to manage a household the way I expected. I don’t think it’s the same for everyone, but as a woman with a old school upbringing, I definitely believe I should feel protected and provided for. And I also believe I should feel comfortable with him running all of the finances, or groceries, or cleaning alone if something happened to me. He hasn’t made a grocery list or isn’t responsible for majority of the household bills because he claims he doesn’t like that kinda stuff although I’ve obliged. But even if I did it, what is the compromise for me? I run and all the household bills except half rent to help him out if a hole he out himself in(i speak on it further down about his vehicle being repossessed) while going to school and wfh full time. I’m doing it all by myself and making all the big decisions by myself while he just gets to fall back on me all day.
* He withholds information until it becomes necessary and threatening. So an example of this would be the time he couldn’t get in contact with his vehicle lender for two months, and instead of just paying the bill, or communicating it to me, he withheld that and woke up one morning to his vehicle (which is required for his work) gone. Then I had to come out of my savings(which is the only savings we have together bc he doesn’t really have one) and pay a hefty fee along with the rest of his family to get it back. This just after he took a loan from my parents withholding the fact that he wasn’t paying the note. And now bc my mother is sweet and letting him take his time, it’s not a main priority to pay them back. Which I think is wrong. And instead of trying to repay me or do something nice for me ,even though I said he can pay me back the iver $1k back last or put it to his tab, he wants to pay his mother an extra $1k🤦🏽♀️
All of this has been a slow boil for me and I guess it all overflowed recently when his brother gave him the exact same advice on his finances as I had and he actually listened and thought it was a good idea. But didn’t hear me out and I had to suffer because of it. I needed to vent honestly and just hear maybe someone else’s stories of them going through something similar. I’m just drained and unfulfilled and going through all of this while finishing nursing prereqs, gearing up to take my HESI.
10 comments
Honestly, are you sure you didn’t see these before? Or were you just ignoring them? One or two things sure they may surprise you. But all the things you listed sound like full fundamental personality traits that would have appeared before.
Explain to him that you’re drained and upset it took his brother saying the same advice for him to listen. Explain you don’t feel heard or seen. Explain it is ruining the marriage that is less than **4 months** old
Hope you’re on dependable birth control! But seriously, try couples counseling if that’s possible You definitely have valid points to be frustrated about. Marriage is tough and take a lot of work, communication, and compromise. Sounds like an already tense home life and if things go left as is it’s gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.
It sounds like you’ve become a mother by marrying a child and he’s perfectly content to just lean on you for everything. And there doesn’t seem to be much of a downside for him as you find yourself constantly having to bail him out of these predicaments he created. So there’s no reason for him to change because no matter what happens, “it all just kind of works out” for him. If you’re a blunt person as you say then you may want to confront him with these things and advise him that you aren’t his mother and he needs to grow up and start doing basic grown up things like saving some money from his job and paying back his obligations. It sounds like you already resent him for these things and eventually your marriage will be destroyed by this behavior. Does he care?
>He’s a sweet guy and a hard worker, but it’s like **once we got married the red flags I thought were just improvement areas** showed otherwise.
I’m truly shaking my head at this. You married someone financially immature, secretive, irresponsible and non-communicative — and you **knew** he was all of these things before you married him.
You two do not seem to have had ANY of the important conversations that should happen before marriage.
What’s stopping you from cutting your losses and getting it now before you find yourself pregnant with triplets and living on welfare?
Budgeting and marriage counseling. Most of the issues seem to revolve around the budget. His emotional distance had to have always been a thing but IC and MC may improve that over time. All the money goes into shared checking. Sit down and outline a budget that seems to make sense and be fair. He isn’t good with money. Not everyone is good with it. You seem to be much more on top of that skill set. Agree between you on duties for him to offset the time to do the bills. Premarital counseling would have helped you address these issues. Assign him his money for gas and lunches and some amount for money to freely spend. The same for you.
A big part of things is he was probably living beyond his means. You both need a plan going forward. You have combined assets and liabilities. Work them through together. Live within your means.
Yes, you have the better credit, but don’t lord it over him or feel that having what you always have had is somehow a burden to carry.
You two are a team. For life. Make honest assessments of skills and use the better person where possible and on the most important tasks first. Other tasks go to the other partner even if they are less skilled once capacities are reached.
It sounds like you are in a very stressful time period and were not prepared to take on any extra responsibility upon marriage. That’s a part of the overall situation here. This will pass in time. And you will have to prioritize as you see fit to avoid being overwhelmed again.
Always make time for you together as a couple. Even in crazy stressful and busy times. That connection has to be maintained. Nothing else matters more. Period.
There isn’t cause for alarm here. The stress of the situation and a new marriage have inflated smaller issues into larger ones. You are both new to marriage. Especially to each other. Give some grace and be firm but kind. He is not a bad man. He has flaws. Work together to cover each other’s flaws.
Refocus on your relationship and don’t let the “adulting” part of life get in the way.
Men often respond to positive calls to action. Concrete and defined actions. And positive feedback on positive results or clear efforts. Men are not dogs, but we can in a basic sense be trained like one. If he does something and gets no recognition then he is not incentivized to do it. Basic human nature. Even a unpleasant or painful experience if properly rewarded will be sought after. Even small tasks without positive feedback are neglected over time. If one means of motiviating him doesn’t work then try another. Eventually it will work. Marriage counseling will help give you the tools that you lack here.
It might feel unfair that there is work to be done on the relationship. But you chose this man for a reason and the choice is definively made. Make the best of the situation.
Good luck!
How old is he?
This is quite a significant list of issues. It sounds like you rushed into the marriage and perhaps didn’t live together first. He sounds like he lacks basic adulting skills. I suggest you have a serious discussion with him where you go over some of these – specifically Money management and Household responsibility – you give him some specific goals and set yourself and internal clock (for like 90 days). If he can not bring himself around then I suggest you move forward with divorce. It’s hard enough to be married without having a man-child as a partner.
You make valid points but for others I think it’s a bit harsh. I’m married in my 20s and I know I have zero knowledge on financial matters. Luckily my husband does and he takes care of it but I don’t think he judges me for it. For the emotionally disconnected part, not all people communicate in the same way and it’s unfair to expect him to communicate in the same way you do. And for the leader part, I know it can be a huge responsibility for men to feel like they have to manage that but it’s not fair for you either. Maybe you could try dividing the responsibilities?
Marriage is very hard. I thought the first year would be the easiest cause it’s so new and exciting but it’s not. It’s hard since the beginning because you’re getting to know each other in aspects like finances that can be stressful. I understand how you feel and it’s gonna take a lot of work and conversations to get to a middle ground between you and your husband. Hang in there ! 😊
> I thought were just improvement areas
Tip for the future: don’t marry someone with “improvement areas”.
This is the guy he is. He’s probably not going to change. Some things he should (financial responsibility, better communication), some things are just neutral personality traits that failed to meet your expectations: not everyone is a leader and not every man expects to “head the household”.
Unfortunately, you have discovered a lot about yourself and your red flags. Those “improvement” items were red flags that you thought you could change. You married a spoiled entitled boy and now the really hard part begins. You have to decide how long you want to give this before you move on.