I 27f have been in a relationship with a 35m for around a year now. I am financially stable, own my own house. When I met my bf, I was under the impression that he was well to do, because he lived in a super affluent area. It turns out that he sleeps on his parents couch and is unemployed. I didn’t care, because he was super loving and patient with me.
I’ve taken him on holidays, bought him presents, stayed at fancy hotels; spent money on lots of meals for us, was thinking of getting a house for us and we were joking around saying that he was my sugar baby. It was funny at first, and then led to an argument last week over the longevity of our relationship if I lost my money overnight / didn’t have any money anymore.
“What if I didn’t have any money anymore? I worry about the longevity of our relationship.”
Him: “Yeah :/ shame.”
I feel really disgusted with him for saying that as a reply. It’s made me rethink our relationship a lot. His counter argument is that money is not our whole relationship, that he has put equal amounts of effort in by looking after me emotionally. Admittedly, I am a demanding partner as I have BPD and am a bit spoiled.
I have been with him for a year because he’s caring, loving, understanding. No one has ever taken such time in listening to me with such patience and care. Most of my exes have had 9-5 jobs, and often not been able to cater to my emotional needs (I have BPD) due to work and daily stresses, so I do get where he is coming from.
However, I also wonder if this relationship is still worth pursuing. He thinks that taking the time to look after me is his way of love, and is equated to the money I’ve spent on him.
He has no motivation to get a job, as far as I’ve known him. His reasoning is that he does not simply want to get any random job because it’s better to spend his energies somewhere else. (Also, I believe he gets a pocket money from his parents for a bit of food, but that’s it.) So with his stomach full and a roof over his head, I get why he’s not bothered to work.
Should I stay in this relationship? I was never looking for a sugar baby but it’s ended up like this.
TDLR; my bf is unemployed but he’s a super amazing guy. Is it worth staying with him.
35 comments
Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t seem sustainable l.
Why doesn’t he get a job?
No. This isnt a man who is an effective partner in a relationship.
What do you want from a relationship? He’s not a partner but a paid dependent.
Just curious he says “better to spend his energies somewhere else” what is he spending his energy on ? Taking care of your emotional needs can hardly be a 24/7 job ? (no offense)
Ok, I see different approaches with different outcomes…
1. If you are working full time, besides caring for you does he do the chores? Because there is 3 ways of how it could be, and it is not a gender issue, so you can swap genders to your liking here: first is one partner earns enough for both, so the other can focus on the household throughout the day. Both work 8 hours, but only one gets payed. In the evening all work is done and you can spend quality time with your partner. Who the working partner is, and who the home caretaker doesn’t matter. Second, both are not earning enough for both. In that case, sadly, you have to split the chores after both of you worked already. Less quality time for both of you. Third is one does both, the other one does not engage in any help physically, neither a job nor house holding. In this case the relationship is unhealthy and one sided. So if you earn enough for both of you, and he is doing everything that is necessary for the household to work and be fine, I dont see much of a problem here. If your partner instead just focuses on being nice to you, but all the work is with you alone, it is unfair. If you dont earn enough for both of you, he needs to find a job or this relationship is unfair as well.
He’s not an amazing guy, he’s a bum that’s mooching off of you.
Don’t be so desperate to be in a relationship that you tolerate this level of bullshit and gloss over the glaring personality issues.
Only you can decide if the issue is a deal-breaker. If you’re ok with having him never work or contribute financially, then go in knowing that. If you’re not ok with that, now is the time to create a boundary about your financial expectations for a partner.
It’s a matter of preference and tolerance. Do you mind being the sole breadwinner? Would you grow tired of it if you did? Ask yourself those and you pretty much have your answer.
To most people, his stance on working is a joke. He can put his energy towards something that will help him sustain himself. Can he really mooch off his parents forever?
To most it seems like he’s unmotivated and not worth it, but if you see value in him and can tolerate his lack of ambition, stay with him.
Seems like he only takes care of your emotional needs because you pay him… is it worth staying with someone who has pretty much warned you that the second you dont have money he will leave. Plus he is 35 and unemployed willingly mooching off his parents and you how can you even be doing this to yourself
You buy your emotional needs from him. It is his job. Your ex was working 9 5 and he didn’t care you enoughly. Maybe he will not able to spend much more time with you when he start to work. Be careful what you wish for.
35 and no job? Lives on parents couch? Real winner
He isn’t amazing. He’s a mooch off his parents and he wants to be a mooch off you.
“Lovely” does not pay bills.
I think it’s fine as long as you are comfortable with it. My only concern is that you seem to think of yourself as a burden but you also have great qualities and are deserving of love regardless of how much money you make. Another thought is that he might have untreated mental health issues that make it hard for him to keep a job. I hope for the best for you <3
He’s so loving and caring because he considers that his job.
You’re not his girlfriend. You’re his meal-ticket.
Super amazing can’t pay the bills, honey.
He’s a sugar baby. There’s no sugar coating it
He’s holding out for a managment position.
Ah, you have met a hobosexual. I would focus your time and money on yourself. Work on your bpd, don’t make it someone else’s job. Build your own stability. Find someone who adds to it.
I’m dating an arts guy and is unemployed but he lives off creating art that he loves. I do pay most of the time since I earn so much more than him, even more than enough for both of us. I never questioned my willingness to provide for our future. I know to myself I’m never going to be a stay at home mom and somehow we clicked.
So my advice, if you worry about it now, better rethink and decide than regret later. I get the feeling of dating guys with stable jobs but doesn’t have the time for you. Now with my boyfriend, he spends a lot of time at home with me as I work remote too. He takes care of me and he’s everything I ever wish for.
I’m wondering if he would step up to parent your children? If he is too lazy to be a full time dad then definitely not worth your time, otherwise he might be good with the emotional labour.
There are tons of relationships with stay at home wifes / moms where no one tells the husband to up and leave. So I guess if you can see yourself as a provider, this is fine, as he is putting in the work. What does your future look like? You want children? Are you fine with not raising them yourself? And on the other habd, if you get a 9-5 husband, are you fine with the emotional less work he will be able to provide? This choice is on you. Both has ups and downs.
What do you call a woman who supports a jobless, lazy 35 yr old man? Mommy.
You have to think to yourself if you don’t mind being the provider or head of the household. I don’t see no issue with the “gender roles” being switched. But as a stay at home husband or wife it also comes with it’s responsibilities. Does he at least do chores? Does he cook? Does he do laundry? Any male would expect that of his partner as a stay at home wife. Same goes if it’s the other way around. If he doesn’t do any of these things and you literally find yourself doing all the work, then I would reconsider staying in a relationship with him. You also have to consider the fact if you want children in the future, there comes a point where you have to temporarily stop working. Or your symptoms get so bad that it’s very difficult for you to continue working. Is he willing to support you in those moments? That is, if you want children of course.
There’s a lot of points you gotta think about. Relationships are more than just emotional needs. Sometimes the longer you stay with a person, the more you start to see their true colors. But if he’s doing his part in helping you out with house duties and fulfilling your emotional needs, then I don’t really see a big issue. Idc what anyone says females who also don’t wanna work for the same reason cause men should be ‘providers’ are also bums.
I have BPD. This guy is a dipshit. Dump him. Find someone who’s going to see you as a partner, not a check book.
A 35-year-old with no aspirations, goals, or motivation in the horizon? And you’re still wondering what to do?
Having an unemployed boyfriend is just keeping cum as a pet.
I think you need to separate out a bunch of disjointed reasonings and feelings here.
First, I see in the comments that you weren’t really looking for a partner (but it is nice of course) but in the post you say you are demanding and needy. Why are you demanding and needy as a partner, but also not in need of one? Are you really needy and demanding, or has your partner convinced you that you are?
Second, if you have needs as someone with BPD, that’s totally valid and a partner can be helpful, but so would a paid caretaker. You also managed to make it this far in life without your partner, so why does he (and you) think that caring for you is a full time job when you have made it 26 years without it?
Third, this is a 35 year old man who has never been independent. You suddenly needing all this care- and I doubt that, by the way- doesn’t explain the last 34 years of not having a job/career/plan for life.
And finally, your partner has made it clear that he is with you for money. He has decided that caring for you is a full time job and you somehow have bought in to that. He has also heavily implied that if you didn’t have money, he would be out. So, you do not have a love based relationship, but one of necessity/convenience. You now have to decide if you are okay with that.
And, if I were you, I wouldn’t be okay with that. Without knowing the details of your life, you are 27 with a job that pays well and you own a home. You can find a partner who is an equal in all ways, and you deserve that. My partner makes much less than I do and I also fund vacations, pay for more things, and have helped him out with rent and things when needed. But I also know our relationship isn’t based on money, and if he had responded to my in the way your partner did AND didn’t immediately say it was a joke, we would be done.
You’ve got an emotional support boyfriend, that’s not a partner.
Catering to your emotional needs may actually be harming you, in that it deflects from the work you need to do on/with yourself. There is something going on with his mental health if he’s 35 and does not have a job and is not actively seeking one.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
He’s a user and his parents should have put him out over a decade ago – although they’ve probably been spoiling him his whole life. You can’t have kids with this guy or trust him with any responsibility whatsoever. And, he’s effing 35.
Show some pride and move on.
Do you want to be a sugar mama? If so, he’s the guy for you. If you want a partner, he’s not.
>he’s caring, loving, understanding. No one has ever taken such time in listening to me with such patience and care.
This is what a kept man/woman does. They are paid to be this way. They aren’t paid they quit. If you are fine with him being a paid sugar baby, that is fine. If you want someone who actually cares without expecting financial compensation, he’s the wrong guy.
No.
There is nothing amazing about a 35-year-old living on his parents’ couch. Or rather, nothing amazing in a GOOD way. He’s a boyfriend-for-hire / mooch. Why are you enabling him?
Are you ok with financially supporting him forever? Yes or no.
Whether you like the title or not you’re a Sugar Mama.
I’m sure if you lavished gifts, holidays and paid all of the bills you could probably pay multiple people for emotional support.
You don’t have a boyfriend you have a dependent 35 year old child, you can probably claim some money back on your taxes for that.