For the record, I’m not asexual or demisexual, I’m capable of sexual thoughts and attractions and I enjoy masturbating a lot. When I was a virgin I was super curious about sex and read a lot about it.
But when I started to have sex, I started to kind of lose interest. I still think about sex regularly, but when I talk to people and describe the obssesion level they reach during sex, or people describe some sort of ‘high’ or euphoria they get I feel like I can’t relate. Like don’t get me wrong, it feels nice, but it’s like that Seinfeld joke where Jerry wonders why everyone is so happy about soda in commercials, that’s sex for me. Like, ‘did I put to much ice in this’, everyone is having a ball and I’m like it’s nice, but I’m not jumping for joy here.
My ex partner had trouble ejaculating and really couldn’t cum when having sex (he told me he always struggled with this), yet he would rub up on me and initiate sex while I rarely would even while cuddling him. Sometimes I wondered what the hell he got from sex but I didn’t question it much and did it anyway. Being sexless wasn’t a better option either, I was unhappy without sex but not significantly happier with sex either.
Is this sort of feeling normal, or am I doing something wrong?
4 comments
It sounds fairly normal tbh, I think part of the hype around sex is cultural and how people are wired. Preference matters too I think (I prefer masturbating over random hookups). Some people just enjoy sex more naturally, while others may enjoy it/talk about enjoying it because that’s an expectation they feel (ex: hetero men).
Do you feel like you have a lower sex drive than others, or that you have less of a capacity to enjoy sex the way you see others enjoy it?
I think the way people talk about sex is a little overexaggerated in terms of things. Like its not a “high” or “euphoric”. But it is like a rush of the adrenaline and happiness with the intimacy. But its nothing like what shows and stuff show or tell you. A bit like how every scene of LSD is all these trippy colours, but then you take LSD and you just dont see the colours. Like thats not how LSD works.
Its a common misconception that youre gonna have this whole feeling beyond just, loving your partner or enjoying your partner or whatever. Satisfaction is about it, and maybe connection depending on the relationship.
I think though, maybe you just didn’t enjoy the sex as much as you possibly could have.
And either you built up this fantasy of how it should/could be and was disappointed when it didn’t meet that ( thats totally okay!! We all have done that),
Or just, they weren’t very good at sex to mediocre at sex in reality. If you still want to do it, then you probably just crave more in sex and need to explore more and try out new things and find a partner who actually meets that in you or is willing to learn.
I never really looked forward to sex or was overly excited about sex with all my exes it was just something to do and when I felt horny something to try, even if I never got off. But I never felt anything more than “well cool, thats a thing we did” afterwards until my current partner who is actually in tune with my body. Good sex will always make you inclined to get excited about it imo.
I never enjoy the act as much as I enjoy thinking about it. It’s never as good as I expect, not even woth my bf
People are horny and want sex somewhat largely because of hormones. They can make you crave sex even if it isn’t that great, and they can make you lose interest even if your sexual experiences have been amazing. Your libido can certainly be influenced heavily by your experiences yes, but understand that horniness sometimes doesn’t care too much about reality.
Following that thread… the actual act of sex isn’t guaranteed to be some incredible thing just because your mind and body seek it out (or like to think about it). But don’t let that convince you that euphoric sex isn’t real. Sex is just way more of a skill than the culture puts forward — The common narrative is that it just feels super good automatically. It typically doesn’t, unless things just fall into place really easily (which is possible but not to be expected). Sex CAN be an amazing thing, but the right things have to be happening for the parties involved.
Usually, skill/experience, communication and compatibility are hugely important to the final result. And for some people, a bit of self exploration may be necessary to find what really makes them tick. The average person probably isn’t having “mind blowing” sex, and statistically, many people actually have their best sexual experiences later in life than the horny teen years and early 20s. It can take a lot of aforementioned things coming together to actually make sex REALLY good. But again, hormones can have people plenty sex-fixated either way.
A few years ago I would have agreed that most portrayals of sex being super passionate, intense, euphoric, and “living up to the hype” were a little exaggerated for entertainment purposes. But then my partner and I hit a certain stride with our sex life and some things clicked into place, and now suddenly a lot of things are a lot more “realistic” than I thought. It’s just that it’s not likely to be so good inherently just by nature of being sex.
Skill. Experience. Communication. Compatibility. Exploration. Those are the secrets. Nobody can tell you what will give you the best experience ever because we’re all very different. But look for ways to embrace those keywords and I think you’ll find that sex can, eventually, live up to how interested you are in having it. I hope that helps.