Hi everyone…

this is going to be a long rant but i need to get stuff off my chest.

so im just making this to see if other ppl relate to me.

heres the deal: i was bullied a bit as a child, so i have a inner fear of ppl making fun of me, its a genuine fear. In high school i managed to find a group of friends that i liked being around so i didnt really think about my social skills or whatever, but

it was my freshman year of uni last year and i tried to make new friends, i really tried but i couldn’t manage to make any satisfying friendships.i think my childhood fears kind of came back. i wallowed about it for a couple of months then i decided that wasnt helping, so i go on youtube and find lots of advice about social skills, making friends, being likeable, etc.. etc..

and after learning these things, im starting to realize my mistakes, and its a bit uncomfortable bc these mistakes i used to make, were methods i developed to sort of protect myself.

for example, in conversations, i never opened up to reveal anything slightly embarassing or even just honest about myself, in fear ppl could use that to make fun of me, but now i realize i was creating a facade that made me come across as boring, uninteresting, unhonest, and fake.

im also quite shy, and my family and friends before pointed out how that actually makes me come across as mean. i struggle to keep eye contact, i struggle to greet ppl properly, i have closed body langauge that makes me seem mean, and my fake smiles look like im disgusted at the other person.

not bc im mean, but im just way too shy. many times, ppl greeted me, and i wanted to say hi back, but i was just too awkward to do it, ofc, i came across as mean when i didnt reply.

and i realized, the reason certain ppl lost interest in being around me, was that i never invited them to anything, they were also only inviting me, and i wasnt giving them anything back in the friendship.

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and its just makes me so emotional and frustrated and scared to change.

bc on the inside, i developed a habit of villianizing ppl before i even talk to them, i assume everyone is out to get me and make fun of me, so i just kind of avoid ppl im not used to being around. i struggle to be even a tiny bit vulnerable, which after observing, likeable ppl always kind of share real details about themselves, but im too scared to do it.

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rationally, ik thats not true, ofc. u dont need to tell me, but i still cant help it.

i know i should seek therapy but i cant really afford it rn. but im just kind of sad and frustrated,

i wanna improve my social skills but its so scary.

its scary and uncomfortable to realize i was the problem all along.

20 comments

  3. Therapy certainly could help but you seem to be figuring things out for yourself which is good. You pointed out a few things that I struggle with and I appreciate your insight. It’s like we’re trapped inside our own heads, wanting to be accepted and participate so badly while not fully grasping what we’re doing wrong. Frustration leads to withdrawal and the cycle repeats. Seriously, thank you!

  6. This is very relatable. The better I’ve come to understand basic social skills the more aware I am of how unbelievably awkward and cringy I’ve been throughout my life. It can be really hard to deal with and I still struggle with it sometimes but there are a lot of tools out there that can help. The good news is you’re already on the path to improvement. You have a basic understanding of what the issue is which shows that change is possible for you because you’ve already started to do it.

    The best step from here would probably be therapy. Creating new patterns of thought and overcoming some of your harmful cognitive tendencies can be complex and take some time. I realize that therapy can be cost prohibitive and it’s definitely not the only option but it’s probably the easiest way to get the ball rolling assuming you end up with a good therapist.

    I know mindfulness is kind of a buzz word but it’s honestly been enormously helpful. Basically, when I start to feel negative emotions associated with social anxiety I try to accept those emotions rather than fighting them. I don’t focus on the memories that have triggered the emotions, I instead focus on the physiological effects that those emotions have on me. How they make me feel physically. How uncomfortable they can be. I try to mentally step back from the situation and look at it more objectively. I’m not just experiencing my feelings, I’m observing them and accepting them. If you can do that, your emotions begin to have a lot less control over you. You don’t get rid of them, you just accept them and understand them and develop a healthier way of processing them. It makes coping with them a thousand times easier.

    Another suggestion would be to treat yourself as your own best friend. Stick up for yourself and forgive yourself the way that you would forgive someone you care about. It’s hard to continue to have a relationship with someone that you can’t forgive. And if you can’t forgive yourself it’s very hard to grow and move forward.

    One weird suggestion that helped me a lot is Lo-Fi music. This might just be me specific because I have some ADD tendencies but I found that having a genre of Lo-Fi music that I enjoy playing in the background can really help me with focusing, mellowing out, and process negative thoughts in a way that’s a little less intense. Might not work for you, but I’m a huge advocate for it so I figured I’d throw it out there.

    Good luck!

  7. Don’t put to much pressure on yourself to change all at once. Do it a little on a time. Try to be comfortable being by yourself as you can so you don’t feel desperate and get too frustrated.

  8. Eh don’t over think it. People like you for you. Everyone is your friend. If they treat you like shit they can pound sand.

  10. That’s how you learn bud, gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Try to unlearn some of those protective skills and learn to open up (not too much tho, it’s never a bad thing to keep things to yourself and be a little guarded) and learn to laugh at yourself it makes life a lot easier and makes it harder for others to make fun of you or hurt your feelings

  11. Growth is hard. It can hurt to recognize how we’ve done wrong and caused hurt. It is SO important to face our mistakes, though, so that we can learn and grow. You should be proud of yourself for doing so!

    People who cannot tolerate examining their own fsults and mistakes are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over. In the context of social mistakes this often results in them being lonely. That will probably not be your fate if you can seeing your faults and working on them!

  12. There’s self therapy apps for that. I recommend looking up best CBT and DBT apps from reputable website like healthline.

  13. Read books on social skills. Lots of them. Reading the best ones over and over again will help things sink in, then find somewhere and someone to practice socializing with. Then expand to small groups and on from there. Good luck.

  14. Oh my god, I relate to every single word. It’s become so much worst too because of the social distancing during covid. I am also struggling to make friends because I’m too shy and see the worst in people before they can hurt me. I’ve actually lost a lot of friends in the past few years because I’ve pushed them away. And on top of that I think I’ve created a bad persona of myself at work because I’m so shy (I think everyone thinks I’m mean and stuck up). Just trying to grow and I don’t have time for a therapist right now either. I’ve been trying to get out of my head and stop being so emotional/self-centric so that I can be more approachable…but then sometimes I wonder if I even want that because I’m scared people are going to hurt me. So I’m right there with you!

  15. I can relate to what you’re feeling.

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    I have always been shy ever since I can remember, as a kid I learned to how to be happy alone . I went through high school and made 1 or 2 friends who I rarely interacted with outside of school. No new friends in college. A few new friends after college, but the same theme of me questioning others and putting my guard up and pretty much preventing them from progressing – even though meaningful friendships are what I want. I find it useful to be patient with myself, and treat each new opportunity for friendship as though I am a kid making friends for the first time.

  19. Sometimes there’s free therapy in some college/university. I know in some Canadian universities there are, so I’d look into that.

    I feel you though, man. It’s important to acknowledge what you did wrong so you can reflect on it and correct it, so good job, that’s not easy to do. In life we choose decision based on:

    1. Avoiding pain
    2. Gaining pleasure

    You mentioned how closed off you were and that’s because you’ve attached being in – friendship to be more painful than to give you pleasure.

    You need to start re-wiring your brain differently to acknowledge that there’s more pain in being lonely AND more pleasurable when you have friends.

    We are creatures of habit and we default our actions and behaviour based on our coping mechanisms to avoid pain or gain pleasure.

    I got this idea from Tony Robbins who is a life coach and a public figure in the self development world. If you wanna look more into this, he has a course called “Ultimate Edge – Personal Power 7 days” leaked on YouTube ($300 value) and I’m currently listening to it.

    He’s such a powerful motivator, and ever since I’ve started to listen to him, I’ve changed my outlook on life and have been looking forward to make changes in my life, everyday.

    Hope this helps.

    Edit: grammar and clarity

  20. Congratulations on realizing important facts with social skills.
    I’m not exactly you but I have a very similar story. I grew up with friend groups that valued me for being wacky and over the top. I tried very hard to be a clown and as much as I was entertaining to my close friends I was a huge weirdo to everybody else. I did not know why I was not getting the response I wanted from everybody.
    Most people in my life told me to be more enthusiastic and more high energy. That advice could not be worse for me.
    Long story short, I’m kind of an old guy now but I realized the value of being chill and interesting.
    Try to find examples in your real life of people who are doing well with their social life. Find some normal people to talk to. Treat every basic conversation as practice. Practice opening people up with basic combo starters, taking what they say and adding your spin to it and then asking a question back, and then sharing some positive stories or experiences with other person. Conversation is like playing tennis. You hit the ball to them and you hope they hit it back to you. If one of you dropped it, hit another ball to them and see what happens. Not everybody wants to engage with you for whatever reason. Don’t take it personal. They don’t know you so they can’t mean it personally.
    Be brave. Be chill. Be a good conversationalist.

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