**Update:** I just opened his message and left him on read. He hasn’t said anything about this yet.
Someone used to be my friend back in highschool just dm’d me today. He only said “hey, how are you” yet but i know wherewill the conversation go. For the last couple of days, he was posting stories about he needs a place to stay till he can find a new place to rent.
Before asking about an advice, I need to give some background info about him and his relationship with me. Its the last year of highschool. Till that year we were fairly close friends. I got a girlfriend and he were happen to be the best guy friend of my girlfriend. Some time passed, stuff happened, she cheated on me and we broke up (its another days story). After we broke up and graduated from highschool, the guy I mentioned neighter reached out nor said hey on the streets when we come across each other in the streets. I was at my lowest these days and to be honest I wanted someone to talk to and he was one of people I wanted to vent to.
And its been 3 years since i last saw or heard from him. I always liked to help people because I know how it feels to have no one when you need someone the most.
How should I approach to his message? I want to say “you can go to hell, i dont care”, but at the same time i dont want to be an asshole. And i dont want to lie. I have plenty of room. But not for him.
25 comments
I would not say yes to him it sounds like he is trying to use you. If you had a friendship still or he had tried to reach out before he needed something I would say yes, but that doesn’t sound like it in the case here. Maybe it is okay to be the jerk and ignore him this time.
You don’t owe him anything. I’d say that i don’t have space.
why didn’t you asked him what’s going on and why he ignored you when that happened ? I know that it was an asshole move by him but you both ignored each other. You can either give him a second chance and maybe revive the friendship or you just tell him no.
You are under no obligation to help this guy. It would probably be better to refuse in a nice way “I can’t help you sorry, but good luck.” He doesn’t need any details about why you can’t help.
Open the text in airplane mode so it will not show that you read it.
I guess most people here are right and you shouldn’t give him a hand and refuse but at the same time I can’t help but wonder… if a past friend who didn’t even acknowledge me when he met me on the street suddenly needs a hand, and perhaps, if I liked my relationship with that person and would like to maybe restart it, maybe helping him out with a big favor could be a way to catch up, and if you want to set things straight then have a drink with him and ask him with a non-condemning tone why he went cold on you and why is it when he needed help he decided to turn to you after so long. Now, with that said, it is entirely possible he will disappear from your life soon after he leaves, but at the same time you might reignite your friendship with neither side being at fault for it going cold and hopefully continue where you left off? If the latter part resonates with you for whatever reason, maybe its worth giving it a shot? And if not, then saying things as they are in the form of: “look, its nice talking to you again but we haven’t spoken for three years and putting me on the spot is a bit out of place, so I am sorry but no”.
Well, one time a good friend of mine blocked
Me on the Xbox and all apps after I poked fun of the roof of a house that was painted as the American flag.(Albuquerque, NM) a little over a year later when I was at DisneyLand with my wife and son on the Mississippi boat ride that has some crates that are stamped “natchez, MS” which is very close to where my friend lives(Crosby, MS) he hit
Me up talking about anting to kill himself because his girlfriend and him broke up. I was so mad at him for blocking me on everything for a dumb joke but I still helped him.
You can either choose to respond “Hey mate, I’m well” or Block him now.
Ask him exactly what’s going on.
I’d say the phone rings both ways and it sounds like you didn’t reach out to him either… still, you don’t owe him anything, especially to stay in your house if he’s not your friend.
If you actually want him back in your life, answer and see if it’s just genuine conversation. If he asks you if he can stay with you, just reply something like, “I charge $800/mo plus half utilities, $2000 deposit and I’d require you to fill out an application with a $45 background and credit check just like any other tenant”
uhhh well he at this point literally only said how are you
I’m wondering if you want to stay connected with him or not.
If not, maybe now is the chance for you to unfollow him so you don’t waste your time and energy keeping up with his life stories.
Or if you want a closure/be heard, you could message him and ask what’s up? It’s possible he’s at his low and now and wants to apologize. (Whether you want to take the apology or not is your choice)
Or if he asks for help, you could write him “I can’t help you. I’m disappointed/upset with you how you didn’t help me when I was going through a tough break up. Please don’t message again.”
Just wanted to add that you have no obligation to answer texts or calls either.
Ghost and block. Why are you giving this guy soo much space in your head? You don’t need to be rude, you don’t need to be polite, you just need to ghost and block. He’ll get the message and will move on to someone else.
He is searching for days. You have not talked in years. He is scraping the bottom of the barrel. If u dont mind hurting the feels of a stranger just say no.
What u describe sounds a bit like the beginning of a realy toxic relationship.
This is just my opinion. Plz dont take it too serious.
This reminds me of the time a former high school classmate messaged me through fb to ask for $20. I know it sounds like easy money and no big deal, but I was going through my lowest times. I was only 20, I was living on my own and had recently lost my car and my job. I had nothing but $200 in my savings. Those $200 went straight to my rent money and I was still owing. I genuinely thought he was messaging me to say hi and have a casual conversation. When he asked me for what he wanted, I felt sad but I agreed to giving him $20 once I had the money for it. After that, everyday he was constantly messaging me asking for those $20 like it was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I got fed up (bc of the situation I was in and his constant demands/checking back in for those $20). I just blocked him. I was willing to but I was also on the hunt for a new job, and struggling to meet my expenses.
I get it. It’s hard turning your back on someone. Specially when you know what it feels like to be down. But at the same time, you have to do what you gotta do to keep yourself under control with your own struggles.
Just say no you are not willing to take anyone in. That’s it, nothing else
“Sorry, I don’t have the space,” is not a lie, you just aren’t completing the sentence – “I’m sorry, but I don’t have space *for you.”*
If you’re wanting to be a bit more clear, I would simply say “We were friends until I needed you the most and you ghosted me. Now that you need me, you’re back. I’m not interested in friends like that. Goodbye.”
Just don’t reply. The guy is already down on his luck and is probably desperately reaching out to anyone who will listen. Saying “f off you freeloader” doesn’t help him and doesn’t do anything for you. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is not respond.
I went through something very similar (except he was asking me for money) with a very similar friendship dynamic – even down to the girlfriend-cheating situation.
What I ended up doing when he hadn’t talked to me and suddenly reached out needing money was saying to him: “hey it’s nice hearing from you, but you haven’t talked to me in years. sorry I can’t help you.” and I left it at that. He wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fall for this thought of thinking *oh if I help him, he might be my friend again*, when he’d just dip out like he had before.
I’m the kind of person who would give the clothes off of my back to help someone. I helped my ex-friend a lot up until that point (well there was one time after and that was the last straw). It was hard. He was someone I thought was my best friend and all I wanted was him in my life, and I let him manipulate me. I grieved our friendship when it ended.
You have to draw a boundary to protect yourself and your feelings. If you don’t want to help him, you don’t owe it to help him just because of your own helpful-personality.
“I can’t help you bro”
It’s all you need to say. It’s not even a lie.
ignoring the message is the best way to give him a message that he is no one to you. don’t start any kind of dialog with him.
Why not just clear the air? Have you actually talked to him about how much he hurt you by ignoring you? Everyone’s so quick to “fire” their friends these days while simultaneously wishing everyone else were unconditionally loving. Everyone says “you don’t owe him,” but this isn’t about “owing” to begin with. This is a fellow human in need who, let’s be real, can’t make up for what he did to you. You can either hold onto that debt and act on your grudge by refusing to help or you can forgive that debt by letting him stay with the consequence that you formally end the friendship (i.e. tell him you no longer want to be friends and this is the last favor).
Since you’ve opened the message already, why not just answer how you feel which is that you’re not on good terms with him because he let you down. Just start there even if you don’t want to be friends with him again. For all you know, he might not know why you didn’t reply; people aren’t always tuned into what they did wrong, even if it’s beyond obvious to you. As for letting him stay, consider doing so anyway from human to another human and set boundaries (such as “you can stay, but only for x amount of time). I just don’t see a reason to return evil for evil like all of Reddit defaults to, and I don’t think you do either.
You don’t owe him anything, especially, since he treated you like you didn’t exist anymore. Return the favor.
“Take a stroll through a fiery lake, for I shall care not”