At least I think it’s insecurity? According to him I am “sketchy” and full of red flags despite the fact that I have never cheated or even remotely expressed interest in another male except once when we were broken up for a week (after he told me I disgusted him) I went on a date and kissed another guy as a rebound and regretted it immediately. He has waves of this behavior, sometimes he doesn’t bother me or get angry, and then sometimes for weeks (usually if I am about to do something he doesn’t like, like go out of town by myself) he will just be angry and pick fights.
Examples of my sketchiness:
1. I have a passcode on my phone and on my laptops
2. My phone is on vibrate not ring
3. I am “on my phone too much” which means I must be texting guys (I’m on it more than average but I don’t hide anything I am doing from him, mostly surf reddit a lot)
4. I talk to “randos” on reddit (not DMs, just posts like this)
5. I go places without him sometimes, like to see my family or on business trips, in which he is convinced if he is not around I am going to “bang random men”.
6. One time I left him downstairs with his kids to go poop for 10 minutes and he got angry and accused me of abandoning him to go “be sketchy” on my phone.
Most recently I am at a conference for work overseas for a week, that he was invited to and that I offered to buy him tickets for, but he didn’t want to miss a week of work and give up time with his kids. He was fine the first day as I was texting him and calling him all day and spent the evening by myself, but when I had to go to a work dinner (my job entails meeting with physicians along with my coworkers) he got angry because I was “out too late” (I left early at around 930 PM) and because apparently I “lied” to him in a text when I said I was going to call him when I walked back alone to the hotel because it was “getting dark” at 850 PM. He told me that at 850 PM it should be “already dark” so his gut told him I was “being sketchy about something” and then he told me he was not going to pick up the phone when I called him.
I got upset and frustrated with him refusing to pick up my call, did not understand what exactly I had done wrong, and so my tone when he finally did answer my call accusing me of being a liar and cheating on him, was one of extreme frustration and confusion. He did not like my tone or the fact that I asked him if it was maybe his insecurity that was getting the better of him, not that I was a “sketchy person”. He got mad that I was frustrated, and told me I was implying he was “abnormal” and “controlling” and that “i clearly wanted him to be a totally different person” and to “go and do whatever I want he doesn’t care anymore” and then he hung up on me.
Eventually he calmed down after I “fixed” my tone and told him how it must be so hard for him to be alone at home while his SO was overseas, like basically I have to “validate” his feelings every time or it escalates and I always end up feeling like shit regardless of what happens and like I can’t do things like go out with people even in a work capacity.
I understand breaking up with him is the easiest option, but assuming I’m not ready to do that yet, what is the best way to deal with someone like this? How do I stay calm and collected in the face of angry accusations and not automatically start getting defensive?
TLDR My SO is either very insecure or has personal issues of some kind, and I am having trouble with dealing with it without getting angry/frustrated. Need advice.
12 comments
What’s so great about this man that you are willing to deal with these heedless accusations? You want to know how to deal with it? Leaving this POS is the best option. Next is to be the doormat he wants.
So why are you with this guy?
Your partner is insecure and has severe trust issues. Why are with them exactly? Is it really worth it to live in constant anxiety and feel you have to walk on eggshells around him? You did absolutely nothing wrong even when you kissed that guy, you were broken up! (And should’ve stayed that way)
He’s in his 40s He’s way too old for this shit
He’s not insecure he’s jealous and is interested in controlling you- it’s the first step in an abusive relationship. Also what 43 yo man is using the word ‘sketchy’?
> I understand breaking up with him is the easiest option, but assuming I’m not ready to do that yet, what is the best way to deal with someone like this?
The thing is: you’re not supposed to be right in any way. You’re supposed to always lose, cos his logic is immaculate. So any move you make, is the wrong move. The way to deal with it is to just take his anger til you are ready to go. He’s not interested in making up with you, he’s only interested in berating and punishing cos you are the villain. As long as he has an enemy in you, he doesn’t have to self reflect. Otherwise, grey-rocking is the method you’re looking for, but that’s not really something that works for someone intent on conflict.
If you want to make it easier for yourself, you should leave without telling him beforehand. He won’t like you leaving. He’s supposed to dump you, cos you’re the cheater always and then take you back to punish more. Be safe.
please don’t fall for the “washed up and too late to find someone” fallacy, the only people that benefit from it are losers like the one you’re dating now.
Tell him he’s being ridiculous and you’re not entertaining his nonsense. His behavior won’t change but at least you won’t be wasting time trying to appease him.
I only got about 1/3 through this. He is a controlling ass clown and you need to break up with him. Now.
How *do* you manage someone else’s emotions? When anyone figures that out, I’m sure they will post it here.
Answer: you can’t. The narrative in his head is that you’re a cheater and you’re going to cheat on him. That’s his reality. You deal with that by dumping him. He doesn’t want to change and he doesn’t think he needs to because here you are asking how you can learn to accommodate his unreasonable behavior.
Pro tip: it’s👏 not 👏cheating 👏if 👏you 👏break 👏up 👏and👏 you 👏get 👏with 👏someone 👏else👏. Only people who use breakups to manipulate believe this.
Oh goodness, I feel like I know the person you’re talking about, as my ‘ex’ had a lot of these behaviours as well, but he was a little more slimy about it: he’d seem fine with me going out without him or expressing independence, but then he’d do nasty things to me on the sly as some kind of punishment for it.
Someone who is behaving the way your partner is behaving is controlling, irrational, emotionally abusive, insecure, potentially even dangerous. He’s shifting blame onto you and calling perfectly normal behaviour ‘sketchy’ to make you feel bad. Staying in a relationship like this is exhausting and psychologically damaging. I’m sure you know that. If you’ve never heard of a trauma bond, I suggest looking it up and learning more about why you don’t feel like you can leave this person. It can help to have some distance from what you’re feeling by realising many others have felt the same. You will be infinitely better off in the long run if you leave this person.
He is the one who should be asking how he can change his behaviour. It shouldn’t be on you to try and walk on eggshells to avoid triggering him. Even in a relationship, having your own space is necessary, being able to do things on your own, there should be a healthy balance of time together and time apart without wild accusations of cheating when there is zero evidence of such.
He isn’t showing you respect. He is essentially making an unjustified judgment of your moral character by suggesting you’re constantly chasing other men, which is a major sign of disrespect. This isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like and this isn’t how a loving and supportive partner would treat you. Imagine a partner who respects you and trusts you and knows you well enough to know you’re not constantly chasing other men. Imagine a partner who understands that you have work/life commitments outside the relationship and need privacy sometimes. You deserve someone understanding and respectful. That’s love. What you’re describing here is not love, it sounds more like abuse.
Repeated accusations are a form of verbal abuse. You are being abused by an abusive partner.
The way to deal with abuse is to leave the abusive partner.
You can’t even take a dump! No way to live.