TLDR: My parents won’t visit me and show obvious favoritism to my sister, and it’s ruining our relationship. They have the money and the time. They visit my brother, who also lives in a different state to them. I’m debating skipping my first family holiday.
So, my parents won’t visit me and have become increasingly less and less supportive. Please tell me if I’m being irrational or if they’re being immature: I started a graduate school program 3 years ago, in a different state to them, and they always say they support what I do/say they’re coming to visit me. But they haven’t. I understand that it’s a hassle to expect them to visit, but they don’t work, and they’re well off. They haven’t visited once, something always “comes up”. Usually involving my sister.
Yet, my sister just moved for a job and they’ve already flown to visit her, to look for housing and to move her in. The favoritism was obvious growing up — they spent all of their weekends and nights with her playing basketball, meeting her friends’ families. And when she was ready to move, my mom suddenly cleared their schedule.
Now I feeling overwhelmingly guilty asking for their time and attention because they spend so much of it on my sister. My program is really isolating and my family knows this. They offer to pay for me to come home, and when I come home, they don’t spend time with me. I don’t have a lot of time but I’ve spent most free winter breaks at home, with them.
I really started pushing them to come this year. It’s been the most difficult year of my life. I gave them 6 different weekends this summer in June and July. They conveniently forgot I offered until mid June, when flights were too expensive. I said that’s fine, come in early August. They said that was too close to their vacation. Then they took a 15k vacation to Australia in late August.
I said okay, then this fall I’m back in school — it’s 3 months in advance. Will you please come over Thanksgiving? It’s the only long weekend I know I’ll have off. We’re not big on celebrating all together. Last year, they flew my sister home but told me it was too expensive for me to come home to, so I was alone. I explicitly asked them now, that I want one weekend prioritized for me, not my sister. They said they’re not going to visit me unless my sister can also come, because that wouldn’t be “fair” to her over a holiday.
They turned it into a big argument and said I am trying to split the family up on a holiday. I haven’t been included in a single family holiday in 2 years other than Christmas. They get incredibly defensive when I try to communicate and have never apologized.
How much of what’s left of this relationship is my responsibility to mend and should I even have them come visit/go home for the holidays?
2 comments
You’re a grown up. You’re in grad school.
If you want to see your family, go home.
Make some friends and get some hobbies. It’s kind of weird to me that you think your parents should come visit.
Ask yourself why are you putting so much effort into this? You are 25 yo and in grad school. Focus on grad school. Make friends and make connections. Grad school is the start of your career. That is where your focus should be.
The fact of the matter is that many parents are shitty people. Get into counseling and figure out how to be at peace with your family dynamics. There are many, many people who never see family and never spend holidays with them. They find a friend group to celebrate with.