My roommate recently started exploring the kink community about 3 months ago. She is now in a BDSM relationship in which she is in a submissive role to an experienced Dom.
The Dom requires her to address him as Master, and ask him for permission to do simple things like use the restroom, get up from the couch, enter her own room etc. She and I share a small 2bed/1ba apartment and she has him over frequently. While I don’t oppose her having company, having to witness these D/s exchanges all the time is making me really uncomfortable in my own home. I spoke with her privately and asked her to completely refrain from displaying their dynamic in front of me, as I feel like I’m being an unwilling witness to their sexual activity. She admits there is a sexual component to the behavior but also says that being his sub is her **sexual identity**.
She claims that asking her to hide her sexuality in her own home is akin to asking a gay male roommate not to show affection to his boyfriend in front of me if I were homophobic, and accused me of discriminating against her due to her sexual identity. I’m honestly at a loss. I want her to feel comfortable in our shared living space, but not at the cost of my own. And I definitely don’t want to be a bigot about something I don’t fully understand. Am I discriminating against her, and is my discomfort at all justified or do I need to find a way to get over it? Any advice or insight is appreciated.
TLDR; Roommate’s submissive behavior to her Dom in our home is making me uncomfortable. I ask her to stop while I’m present and she refuses, saying I am discriminating against her sexual identity as a submissive. Is this a valid accusation?
15 comments
Tricky one. You don’t want to suppress her sexuality but at the same time it makes you uncomfortable. The question I would put to her is to flip her comment about being uncomfortable in her own home. Does she have a right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home by her actions? You can accept her sexual identity and not be comfortable with public expressions of it. It’s not a case of having to accept it lock stock and barrel. You can have your limits.
Sounds like you two are simply not a good match as roommates anymore.
She’s an asshole. You’re fine.
She is willfully involving you in her sex life in a shared space after you’ve asked her to stop. That’s trash.
If you ‘identify’ as a nudist/exhibitionist, you don’t get to shove your junk in her face all day and make her unwillingly take it.
She’s a really bad flatmate and he’s a real shitheel.
Nope. She is gaslighting you. Asking a gay flatmate not to make out with their bf on the couch is not homophobic, it just means it makes you uncomfortable, same in this situation.
You have a right to not be part of something that makes you uncomfortable, your flatmate is 100% in the wrong
You’re not wrong.
They’re wrong for including you in their sex life without your consent.
Her analogy is incorrect.
More to the point would be asking a gay male roommate to not blow his boyfriend in the kitchen or what have you.
It sounds like you need to find a new roommate or move as the one you have isn’t respecting your boundaries.
I am in a dom/sub relationship with my gf. One big thing we dont do is involve other people in our lifestyle who does not want to have any association with it. So no, you are not discriminating. Shes just being a straight asshole about it and either doesnt know/care about that one big rule in the kink community. So you have nothing to feel bad about. Try to sit down with her and her dom (bf?) and tell them that you are fine with what they have going on but are not comfortable with it happening in front of you. It is your home too and you have a right to have a say in what happens in it.
Btw, being a sub is not a sexual identity. Its just a position in the sexual heirarchy. From the way it sounds, shes just saying that to try and make you think that if you say something youll be a bigot? (Im not sure what the proper word is) Shes using your little knowledge to dom/sub lifestyle to her advantage and control you.
Get rid of her. She’s an annoying dope ..
I’m bisexual and a sub and your roommate is acting like an asshole. My role is not the same as my sexual/romantic orientation. General rule of thumb is to not subject unwilling participants to kink, which is what they’re doing. There are ways for people in the D/s to operate with subtlety around others. She’s being a shitty roommate by putting her kink before your comfort in your home. It’s totally reasonable to be uncomfortable with constantly witnessing interactions like the ones you described. You’ll have to ask her again to not openly do this in your common areas while you’re around. If she doesn’t cooperate, at least one or you needs to find a new place to live.
Be the alpha DOM and make her master your bitch
I dont see the NEED for them to do this in front of you, just as if someone is making out on the couch, I would expect them to take it to the bedroom upon request
When living with people, if you have something that a good majority of the population does, you need to discuss it beforehand, and end up on a compromise. This applies to for example, sexual things like noise level, where, clothing expectations, and now, apparently, kinks in the common area
NTA.
Yea this is trash. You’re not supposed to expose unwilling participants in your kink. Your roommates so it complicates it but that’s on her to solve not you. What if one or both of them is getting off to acting that way in front of another person? Totally possible. I’d confront them both at the same time lol
I agree with what most people are saying. It also struck me as rather ironic that she’s arguing with you about this; her being a sub and all.
So this is what humanity has come to.
Don’t doubt yourself on this one. Your roommate is being stupid and weird.
That’s some bullshit. She’s using the problematic situations of homosexuals as her excuse. Showing affection is not the same as let’s call it dirty talk.
Doing it in front of you and that being a part of their sexual behaviour means that they are basically doing something sexual with you without your consent. What’s next? You suppose to be fine watching them having BDSM sex or you’re a prude?