Boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So do I, but I am jealous in nature.

36 comments

1. My advice is: don’t do it with a friend, a known person or even in your home town if possible. Establish boundaries, make it crystal clear, what you want and what you don’t feel comfortable with- and maybe it works, but chances that your relationship cracks in the end are high.

2. I’ve been in the same situation, I didn’t want another women with my partner, so instead we tried a (m/m/f) threesome with another man, and I still had a great time. You could always try something like that first and if you feel comfortable move onto the opposite gender.

3. Talk about it a lot and have very clear boundaries. If you try it, maybe the first time you have a rule that only you and the other woman interact unless you explicitly tell her to do something to your boyfriend or tell your boyfriend to do something to her.

4. Plan with your bf what the rules are so you both know what to expect. Also prepare yourself for him to enjoy another woman. Prep reactions you might have to him making a different sound or moving different. Basically prepare yourself for any insecurities you may have. Then have fun.

5. We did this, however I did not have PIV with the other F. It kept the jealousy or concern out of the way for her.

6. I feel like the #1 most important thing in this situation is for all 3 of you to have solid communication. Set the boundaries beforehand, like maybe your boyfriend not having 1 on 1 time with the third party. Even during sex with each other, it’s okay to communicate if you’re uncomfortable. If all 3 of you are mature enough to understand these boundaries, then it should be okay. But if you follow through with this, and it makes either you or your boyfriend jealous, then it should be agreed upon to not continue the life style. And in either scenario, whether continuing the lifestyle or not, make sure you and your boyfriend have PLENTY of affectionate time with each other to boost each other up in your relationship. And if jealousy ends up playing a roll, do not take the jealousy out on the third party, just explain that it was more than you could emotionally handle. Anybody could understand something like that, unless the third party continues to want to sleep with one of you, then that’s a problem in itself and activity should stop with that person.

7. Let him talk to another girl and observe. If you find yourself getting jealous, a threesome is probably not a good idea.

   Don’t do anything you’re not 100% comfortable with, it’s not worth it if you foresee a future with this person.

8. At every new level of intimacy, check in with each other. He should be glancing at you shortly before, during, or after: the first touch, the first kiss, the first sexual touch (undressing her, grabbing her tits, sliding his hands in her pants, etc), the first instance of oral, the first penetration, etc. You don’t necessarily need to pause and verbally confirm that you are okay, but there needs to be a constant awareness between you two.

   Don’t lean too heavily on alcohol. You need to be thinking rationally.

   When you see him enjoying himself, don’t mentally frame it as, “he’s really enjoying this experience with her” but think of it as “he’s really enjoying this experience of having multiple women, which I have helped to provide.”

   Also run any jealous thoughts through a reverse filter. If you start to worry, “will he leave me of she’s hotter than me?” flip it around and ask “Would I leave him if he shared me with another guy that was hotter than him?” If yes, you guys probably shouldn’t be together at all. If your answer is no, then there probably isn’t any reason to think that his answer would be any different.

   As others have covered, don’t use a friend unless it’s a loose friendship that you don’t mind losing. Also realize that finding a unicorn (single bisexual woman interested in threesomes) is usually an extremely difficult task, so be prepared for it to take a long time unless you already are in circles that are very sexually open.

9. I know I would be jealous of my husband with another person. However, he doesn’t get jealous of me being physical with other people. Totally unbalanced and unfair, but we only do things we are both comfortable with.

   He does love to watch me, so I’ve played with other women while he enjoyed the show. You can propose to your boyfriend that you will have sex with another woman and he can watch. This will avoid any jealousy issues.

10. First of all, you pick the other. That way you aren’t thinking *omg he picked her because of xyz*

    Secondly, set up boundaries ahead of time. Do you want him to use a condom with her but not you? Are you comfortable touching the other girl or is that all him? Etc etc.

    And finally, HAVE FUN GIRL.

11. You mentioned ” life style”.. that suggest another play partner will be part of your relationship. You should discuss with your boyfriend all the possible future scenarios of your relationship before adding another person in your relationship especially the thought itself already provoked jealousy. There is also a possibility you will be attached to her and your boyfriend becomes jealous. If you just want threesome for fun, I suggest hiring a well reviewed highend mature escort who has been in business for a while. Unlike common notion, they are impeccable in safety and hygiene. ( much safer and cleaner than non sex workers). she has almost zero interest in emotionally manipulate your boyfriend or you. It will take committment on your part to convince her that you are safe and sane. But sexworkers are the best option for one time experiment without drama.

12. If you’re inherently jealous, this isn’t a good decision. Plain and simple. It may look good on paper. Maybe it’s best left as a Fantasy. You both have to be free spritied to mesh in the manage a trois lifestyle. Just my two cents.

13. Threesomes outside of poly or poly-related relationships is hard. So is poly anything but it can be more hard.

    If you do it with someone to close to either of you (inside your town if small town, or a friend… even friend of a friend) it could complicate things and make things a mess.

    You need to vex the person and get to know somethings about them. Major things first. (STD tests, kinks, etc) the big but not major things next. (Avability, personality, type preferences, etc) and finally the minor things that don’t play much of a role in it but can in certain situations. (I don’t have examples off top of my head for this one)

    Lay down your rule of thumb rules. I’ll explain mine since this one is different for everyone.

    1 If my male partner is going to be inside of female counterpart, he has to have a condom on at all times. He can only have condom off for me. If it is male counter and my male partner, still applies but male counter needs to keep condom on at all times with both of us.

    2 safe words for all parties and if I am starting to feel uncomfortable I will use it. Idc if it is because I feel left out or because something feels a little off. Jealously counts in this.

    3 nothing is allowed to happen when both partners not there. The counterpart is not allowed over until both partners are present and no exceptions.

    4 plan-b pills next morning if it is female. I don’t want a woman we had an one night stand with (even if fwb situation) showing up at our house claiming to be pregnant with his child. Condoms is in effect here but I rather be safe than sorry.

    5 We are here to have fun. If either of us feels like the person is getting to personal or close to one party. The other partner is allowed to call it all off and banned the person from coming back. It isn’t fun if it feels like cheating. (Actually had this happen with a fwb and my partner. He felt like our joint girl was getting to close to me and called it off. We found a new girl that actually became our 3rd.)

    Those are my rules. You can use them or make your own. Talk the rules out with your partner to polish them up and make sure that whoever comes in to your home and relationship (one night stand, fwb, poly, whatever) knows that both of you are okay with these rules and never back down from them. You placed these rules up for a reason.

    With these rules, you will feel less jealousy because you have more control. Same thing with your partner. Knowing that either partner can call everything off and will helps a lot.

14. This might be controversial, but hire a sex worker. Low-to-no jealousy, she likely already knows how to fuck more than one person, and you don’t have to awkwardly get drinks while everyone wraps their head around what they’re about to do. Plus the split hourly cost is usually pretty affordable.

15. You choose the third wheel. Let them in when it is dark.

16. Maybe it would be easier if you try a foursome first ( it may sound strange but hear me out)

    You two could find a couple to have a foursome. That way you know for sure that the other couple is not trying anything else besides sex with your boyfriend. You can also take it very slowly so you and your boyfriend can talk to each other and understand how you feel about it.

    This way you can also check if you boyfriend is only thinking about sex with other women or want to try you having sex with other men as well. (For some man it may be a problem)

    I would advice against inviting friends because it may trigger other problems. I recommend finding a swinger couple (with a solid relationship)

    Edit: my wife felt very jealous before I start having sex with other women (?). It all depends how you and your partner communicates and makes the other feel safe.

17. Set your boundaries before hand and be honest about them, like “no kissing on the lips”.

    Definitely someone you don’t know. The FEELD app is great for this.

18. Jealousy is so damn hard to overcome! I fantasize about my man being with another woman all the time. I love watching porn and imagining it’s him with 1 or 2 other women, forcing me to watch them at times and being there to participate at other times. We have sex daily, usually at least 2 times/day and it’s what I fantasize about to orgasm 99% of the time. I’m currently pregnant and my hormones have been out of control making me fantasize about it more than ever, so much so I had him start looking on apps to find a third as I was looking too. When I found out he was actually communicating with a few ladies my jealousy seriously took over like crazy! I know it’s something I want to experience, but just the thought of taking that first step across the line brings out so many emotions in me!! We have a really strong relationship, but that damn jealousy still comes into play. I’ve decided that the best way for us to experience this at first is going to be on vacation at a LS resort, far away from home! Lol

19. DON’T DO IT IF YOU WANT TO STAY TOGETHER

20. Everyone is different. Fantasy and reality sometimes works and sometimes does not. You may enjoy it you may not.

    I would suggest that you have a very clear conversation about expectations and boundaries before any activity.

21. Open communication is definitely key in a situation like a threesome. Definitely put in place any sort of boundaries before the threesome actually takes place, just so the other girl and him know what is allowed and what isn’t allowed to go down. Just so everybody is on the same page. And if you ever start to get bad feelings it is okay to back out, don’t feel like since you’ve already agreed you can’t change your mind cause that’s definitely not the case, if he’s a good guy he won’t be upset with you and will understand that’s something you might not be ready for quite yet. Wish you both the best of luck!

22. Others have given great advice about setting boundaries and I agree. Especially agree with making it a stranger not a friend, colleague, or acquaintance.

    I’ll just add that these feelings can be self fulfilling if you dwell on them. So instead of focusing on selfish negative feelings, focus on enjoying yourself and being a good lover to both other people present. The whole point of this experience is supposed to be pleasure. For all involved. Just make sure you’re giving and getting.

23. My advice is don’t do it. Having a threesome is the same as riding a bike and jamming a stick on your front wheel. It is going to feel exciting flying through the air but you are not going to like the consequences.

24. Maybe check out a swingers club? That way you guys can get a feel before bringing someone into your home.

25. I suggest you ask yourself not “might I be jealous,” but “can I imagine myself *not* being jealous?” Nonmonogamy is simply a non-starter for a lot of people– I daresay most.

26. I’d suggest setting a ground rule like “no kissing your bf” just to take the intimacy part out of it.

27. If you’re a jealous person, don’t do it. You will literally create scenarios in your head that make everything worse.

    ​

    And by the by, it’s accepted, not excepted.

28. Dont

29. You are gonna ruin your relationship

30. If you’re the jelly type then it is a hard NO go… this will not end well in the long term.

31. Maybe try a sex club first? Saints and Sinners, for instance, or Checkmate if you’re in NYC.

32. Don’t do it it never ends well

33. So far I haven’t seen any comments about communication with the third person, which is crucially important. Both for ethical integrity’s sake and emotional grounding.

    Keep in mind, this is a person with real thoughts and feelings and expectations. Their understanding of the situation in full is crucial to navigating this and you should be the one to have the initial direct conversation with her about boundaries, fears, expectations, etc. This builds trust between you two and puts initial scary thoughts at ease. After this, if it feels good, plan something that all 3 of you can do together that is not sexual – coffee or a walk for example- so that she can get a feel for your relationship with your partner. Bottom line: make sure you are both clear on what her needs and expectations are and make sure they align. Seems simple enough, but so many people overlook this part.

    If all this sounds like too much work, please do not drag another person into a potentially volatile situation with no regard for their emotional after care. Even if the agreement is just for one night. Hire a sex worker or don’t proceed. Best of luck!!

34. I wouldn’t do it, it doesn’t sound like you’re emotionally ready

35. Find some random in a swingers club or from a adult mag and that way you have no idea who they really are and chances are you wont see them again and also get a hotel room

36. One of the most common questions I get when I speak to people about being in a polyamory relationship is whether I don’t get jealous. First of all, being in a polyamory relationship means that we are simply more than 2 people in a relationship. Since we are all in love with each other and we all have sex with each other, there is no jealousy between the three of us.
    Two of us started out in this relationship and before we started adding other people through swinging, we made sure that we had built complete trust between the two of us. When the third part of our triad joined into our relationship then that was based on a mutual decision by all three of us.
    To deal with any feelings of jealousy (or other feelings), then we make sure that we openly talk about them with each other. We don’t hold them in to ourselves. We discuss how things we are doing affects us and what effects it is having on us. Through this we ensure that we take care of everything each person in the relationship needs to be happy and loved.
    Trust is the underlying principle of any open relationship. Trust comes through being honest with each other. Trust comes through not hiding what you are doing or your feelings from each other. Trust comes from taking more care of each other than of those outside of the relationship.
    As an open triad, we often have sex with people who are not part of our triad. When we do, we don’t hide it from each other, even if it only one of us having sex with other people. When we have sex as a triad with other people, we all have to agree on what we are about to do.
    For me, personally, seeing my ladies have sex with other people is such a turn-on, that any feelings of jealousy dwarf in comparison. Seeing them enjoying sex and receiving/giving pleasure is simply something that is such a beautiful thing, that it makes me feel good on their behalf. Understanding that they can receive those things from others than me is simply a way of being less selfish. I know that even though they get a great orgasm from someone else, at the end of the day they will still have sexual energy and love to share with me.