Visited my LD BF (6 months) for a few days and felt uncomfortable with the way the bathroom was (and kind of fed up at it being a mess every time I visit partly because anytime he or other guests come to my place I always clean everything and he doesn’t seem to have the same respect). The question of the day is: Should the fact that my (24F) boyfriend (27M) ended up cleaning the bathroom be enough for me to let go of the conversation that preceded it?
We both apologized and hugged it out. I admit I could have brought it up differently, though we had talked about it before. I hate that I linger on things, but the fact that I had to even have a conversation with a grown man to explain and even argue that cleaning his bathroom thoroughly is necessary turns me off and still frustrates me. In fact, the only cleaning product he had was an unopened container of “cleaning wipes”. I had to advocate for him buying more cleaning stuff, which started the argument. I wish that was the whole problem.
The worst part of the conversation wasn’t even that I had to make a case to a grown up that cleaning their bathroom regularly and fully was necessary for hygiene, no, the worst part might’ve been the fact that he actually tried to dismiss me and said I was neurotic and that anything other than cleaning the handles was essentially just for my peace of mind/aesthetic. I am still flabbergasted and kind of offended by that. The way he dismissed me was angering, at first even saying that it was none of my business. As a person who had to use his nasty ass bathroom, I disagreed.
Making it seem like I’m crazy or “doing too much” for basic cleaning practices. The fact that he was arguing so hard against a proper cleaning, and I say proper because he literally just didn’t think that cleaning out the toilet or shower was necessary part of cleaning and didn’t consider it half cleaning if he only cleaned one part of the sink, makes me reconsider living with him. I’m wondering if it will be an issue every time something needs to be cleaned more than he is used to doing it?
And by “more” I mean cleaning the mirror that is entirely covered in toothpaste splotches and grime, and has been everytime I have visited his place since April or even the fucking piss accumulated under the toilet seat and the pink ring of bacteria and mold that formed in his toilet bowl and around the drain in the sink because he hadn’t actually cleaned it since he moved in there in January. I regret not making the point that he was nose blind and that if shit starts to smell that is a good sign that you should be doing a bit more. He tried to say the pink ring was rust and it was too hard for me not to say, “if you think that is rust then you definitely do not clean enough!”
He tried to argue with me by saying it was pointless to clean it if it is just going to get dirty again. And actually thought saying that he comes home with sweat and bacteria from other people during from wrestling would make his case for not cleaning the shower regularly because “it would just happen again the next day”. But that point to me was even more of a case for cleaning the shower! I was dumbfounded by this whole conversation honestly. So the bacteria build up wasn’t enough of a reason for him, but when the bacteria builds up so much that it is VISIBLE (and it *was*), I asked him if THAT was a good enough metric for him to clean and only then he agreed.
I wasn’t even saying he should clean the bathroom everyday, I clean once a week but even every two weeks, once a month would be better than NEVER. Anyway. He ended up prompting the cleaning and I helped him. One of my flaws is that I continue to think about stuff and overthink and I’m worried that this will happen again in the future. Not saying this is something I want to end things over but thinking of cleaning up after (or even having to say it) possibly kids AND another adult for the rest of my life is not something I want to do.
Tl;dr: boyfriend and I argued about the fact that a bathroom needs to be cleaned. Hard for me to stop thinking about it or the possibility for it to happen again. How do I deal with differences in cleaning habits?
Edit: apologies in for the rambling-like nature of this post, I just had to get it out.
9 comments
I’m guessing he was very defensive because the way you said it shamed him. Therefore, the amount of him arguing back is hard to tell if we don’t know what you said to him.
Overall he may be better suited with someone messier. You are allowed to want your preferences, and I agree with you most people want a clean bathroom. I do know a few women who are very messy and would not mind him though. It definitely doesn’t mean you should put up with it!!
I think it would be hard for him to change overnight, so I probably would cut my losses.
A short, long distance relationship with a man who’s almost 30 who literally doesn’t clean his own bathroom? Pass. Come on. Every day there are like 700 posts on here from women who are on the verge of nervous breakdowns because they are married and moms and are raising a gaggle of infants and toddlers AND practically wiping the asses of their ungrateful husbands while tip toe-ing around the horror of his skid marks on the bedsheets. Don’t let that be you.
Can you imagine having this conversation in a few years? He’s an adult, and he thinks cleaning his bathroom isn’t necessary. It’s probably the dirtiest place germ wise and he thinks it’s okay to just clean handles..
Knowing what you know, that he doesn’t even clean his shower, how can you ever be comfortable in any part of his place? When was the last time he washed his bed sheets? I just would be too grossed out.
Chances are he’s not going to change. He thinks that you are being crazy. Yes, he apologized. But he’s probably just going to spot clean in the future so that you don’t notice things as much.
I wouldn’t want to live with him. Deal breaker.
Fucking y i k e s
I’m curious what about this guy is so incredible that the fact that he doesn’t have basic life skills and lives nowhere near you still qualifies him as your best option.
You’re not compatible.
I will be the first to admit that I’m a slob. I hate cleaning, I do it with great reluctance. However even given this, I still have a full collection of cleaning supplies and know that thorough cleaning is important.
Even I find this guy’s standards disgusting, and my standards are low to begin with. Don’t move in with him, it will not get better.
i felt physically sick reading this. you’re not overreacting by lingering on this. i’d be very very concerned. this is a grown ass man ffs! his arguments?? jeeze louise i want more for my girls yo, y’all deserve better than this 🤢🤢 so if u guys were living together you’d be the cleaner or sumn? if not you’d have to live in filth? yikes yikes yikes! my good sis, my heart is squeezing for you.
This is hard to read for two reasons 1) you don’t tell the story in order, at all, and put your issues scattered randomly throughout because it’s obviously just a giant rant rather than formed thoughts and 2) it’s a wall of text with no paragraph breaks. My point with this comment is that you shouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get a lot of good answers, so it might be worth editing this a bit.
That aside, wildly different hygeine standards are a very common cause of break ups, but dismissing your partners frustrations and calling them names and insulting them for having the frustration, and then forcing them to beg you to do better to the point that they are pulling their hair out in frustration, is a deal-breaker for almost every human being alive.
Allow me to validate you; what you have asked for is far from unreasonable. What you are asking for is him to be a self-sufficient adult, and he is making you *explain* why that matters, and how to do that. **Further, stop insulting yourself for dwelling on this, you’re dwelling on it because it wasn’t resolved, and that’s a fine reason to dwell.**
Of course this will happen in the future, because it wasn’t resolved. He doesn’t think he’s wrong, and he cleaned only to shut you up. Did he address doing better in the future? Did he take steps to buy cleaning products, or acknowledge that forcing people to sit in his piss and shit is wrong? No. He just insulted you, acted like you’re crazy, then cleaned once (WITH YOUR HANDHOLDING BTW) to keep the peace on your visit(and get to still sleep with you, I’d bet money on that fwiw). That’s not a resolution to any of the actual issue.
So I guess you need to decide if you’re going to live with handholding him and future children through all of the household chores or if you’re going to just do everything yourself should you build a life with him. And more importantly, you need to decide if you’re alright with being called neurotic for having super basic standards, and possibly insulted other ways when you raise issues to him in the future. Because he’s shown he’s not interested in doing better, or caring when things upset you.
So yeah, you have 1 of 3 options here. 1) break up. 2) decide to live with it and become the only person who does chores for a whole family in your future. 3) tell him that if he doesn’t rapidly change both issues, and show repeatedly that the change is long term then you will leave him, and give him an opportunity to do better. But make it a clear that this is a deal breaker, and then be sure to actually break up with him when the behaviour slips back to this awfulness in a few months.
I’m 22 and in a LDR. When she came to my home the first time i cleaned what i would consider “slightly above my own standards”. I was single for a few years before meeting her, and i had just become used to living like i wanted to. Obviously her cleaning standards are higher than mine and she told me that my home was too dirty. We ended up just cleaning most of the home together. It’s not like i wanted her to be responsible for cleaning my home, but i had been so used to my own standards, and because i live alone i had no shame when everything isn’t sparkly clean since I’m the only one living in it. But now that i know her standards I’ll do my best to clean it to that standard for when she visits again
If your boyfriend has been living alone for a long time he might just not have had a reason to care about cleaning. You might think it’s gross, but if he’s the only one living there then he’s just gross to himself