Hello I will try to be as concise as possible with this.
I’ve been a part of a group of friends since I as 15/16 years old. When I was in college, one of the guys in this group and I would get black out drunk together and have sex. We were both single, it happened 4-5 times total, we were 20 years old and it was a way to kill Saturday nights. We never dated or hung out one on one outside of those times we would drink together.
I met my current boyfriend, Drew 36M, at work when I was 19 and he was 27. He was married (long story – he got groomed by his wife who is 15+ years his senior when he was 18 and a new immigrant in the US) and I was 19 but the attraction was definitely there. I worked at the company during the summers and we didn’t talk during the year, but during these summers he would tell me all about how miserable he was in his marriage and that he’d started cheating on his wife about a month in.
I started working at the company full time just before I graduated college. We got together that summer, I was 22 and he was 31. We kept it on the DL for a couple years as I have a lot of family involved in the company and whatnot, but he’d already been moved out and separated from his wife for about 6 months at that point.
So we’re dating and I finally tell him that I’m ready to tell people about it ie my family and the people we work for, and Drew still drags his feet to get the divorce because he’s been PAYING HER RENT this whole time because ‘it’s easier and cheaper to just do this than to go through the courts.’ Fine, whatever. They don’t share any kids or assets and she was waiting tables when they lived together so I think that’s a load of BS. HIS big issue if we’re going to date is that he wants me to delete all pictures of my ex’s on social media.
That’s where it kind of started..I never really ‘dated’ anyone, but there were FWB. Thing is, those guys were my close friends. One of them was my prom date. He made me delete the prom pictures and everything. But I still hang out with the one friend from college because that group is still close. Drew refuses to go to any event with this group as he’ doesn’t want to be around that shit,’ aka this one guy that I slept with maybe 5 times total. This guy and his gf throw parties and come to my parties, I’m planning on being at each other’s weddings.
I don’t know how to get through to Drew that he’s being unreasonable. It breaks my heart that I’ve put up with so much from him, and he won’t do this for me. Not only will he not do it, but when I bring it up I’m met with ‘no and I’m not fucking talking about it anymore.’ I’m going to schedule us to go to counselling but I don’t know what else to do. This feels like a hill he’s willing to die on. Do I just accept that he has conditions on this relationship even though I tried my best to adjust to him?
5 comments
Sounds like he’s trying to groom you, after being groomed.
Significant age difference, seems like there could be a financial imbalance (power imbalance within the relationship), and he’s trying to control who you’re friends with and what you can have on your social media.
My advice is run, but it doesn’t seem like that’s what you want to hear
There’s more red flags in this post than in a chinese communist parade…
27 year old dude lusts after a 19-year old, won’t get divorced, insists you delete pictures of your ex and your prom pictures, and won’t be in the room with someone you casually slept with 5+ years ago?
Exactly what do you think makes this guy worthy of your time?
So, you were his mistress, but can’t seem to fathom that he’s not a good person? He’s a liar, controlling, and feeding you a load of BS. You are also responsible for your behavior. You should never have gotten involved with a married man. However, he was testing you to see what he could get you to do. That’s what cheaters do. They lie and use any excuse possible to justify cheating.
Him paying her rent and dragging his feet on the divorce tells me a lot. It tells me that he is a deceitful person who does and says whatever he needs to say to get what he wants, and his wife wasn’t hurting him.
Him telling you who you are allowed to hangout with, what pictures you are allowed to keep, and how you are allowed to behave should tell you what his motives are. He started working on you when you were a young, naive 19 year old. He’s an insecure loser who gets off on controlling you. That’s why he’s dating a person like you, because an older woman wouldn’t put up with his abusive, controlling behavior.
You need to give this man back to his wife and move on.
More red flags than Communist Russia. Break up with the dude. I really don’t see what’s to want here.