So just to preface, at the moment I’m a very masculine butch lesbian but I’m most likely just a trans man in denial. I don’t really care to label myself besides that I’m just masculine. Anyways.
I decided to rush a fraternity at my college (not nationally affiliated) today and I was SO nervous. I was the only one there that didn’t “look” like a guy (though my buddy tells me I have the appearance of a 12 year old boy who somehow enrolled in college), so I felt like I stood out. I was freaking out so bad mostly just because I was scared how they’d view me. I didn’t have any bad experiences, the guys were nice and multiple said I should rush when they could tell I was anxious.
I don’t WANT to be so nervous though. I think I’d look and feel better if I just talked to them like I was one of the guys. Since so much of it was standing around and talking. But I kept getting nervous, not knowing what to say, etc. And felt awful. I never usually act like this, and typically I’m very charismatic, unique, and funny. How can I just act like one of the guys?
1 comment
The main problem is that you haven’t experienced what life is like, for a man.
From a young age, we’re quickly made aware of the fact that our lives are worthless unless we MAKE something of them. For girls, the “special princess” narrative exists from the time you’re born, at least in the Western world. A girl’s life is always inherently more valuable, something to be protected. A boy’s is disposable unless he makes something of himself. edit: So, from a young age, we endeavor to make something of ourselves. We constantly push and grow, and jockey for power, both physical and social, and are drawn to anything with a challenge that we can overcome. We realize quitting is wimpy. We realize crying about life is wimpy. And while these sorts of behaviors suck and can breed “toxic masculinity” when not adjusted properly over life, these are innate truths that every guy simply just gets, and understands, bc they grew up with it.
This is why guys bond via doing things together, and overcoming challenges. That’s why guys can physically fight and then be the best of friends. That’s why some of a guys’ best friends are the ones they play sports with, or lift/workout with, or play video games (our hindbrains perceive video games as real tribulation that we’ve overcome) with. edit: This is also why we can forget things like birthdays and favorite colors and favorite foods and all that shit, because they do little to help us in our journeys of tribulation – which is where we do our most bonding.
In order to be one of the guys, you need to be ready to roast, get roasted, experience trial and tribulation, hardship and suffering, and persevere through it. In order to be one of the guys, you need to show that you’re unfazed by the sufferings of life. In order to be one of the guys, you need to show that even if you’re not big, you can throw a football at EXACTLY where you wanna point it, making you a valuable QB on the field. I mean that metaphorically, and in order to be one of the guys, you need to understand the larger metaphor that’s there, in the frame of accomplishment, trial and tribulation, and showcasing your strengths.
Otherwise, you’ll always just be someone on the gender spectrum – your company can be accepted and enjoyed, but you won’t quite be… “one of the guys.”
Another edit: Note that in “one of the guys” circles, you’re going to come across toxically masculine guys a lot. Emotional maturity isn’t clearly conveyed to guys growing up, especially not by prior generations. You need to know how to handle this without pulling the gender politics cards. Nothing is gonna be more stonewalled by a toxic man than shaming him for what he feels is innately part of “being a man,” in his definition. You need to know how to deal with this effectively. The best way is to sit within the realm of masculinity, but still be able to show a guy how he’s wrong. edit: Empathizing, and then… being a role model of positive masculinity is the best way to remove toxic masculinity.
Another edit: Read “Self-Made Man” by Norah Vincent. She is a lesbian woman who went undercover as a guy for a long time. I don’t think she was ever able to crack the “one of the guys” code, but it’s interesting to read her experience. Recently sought out euthanasia from being so messed up from the experience – which goes to show just how different the male experience is.