My partner and I are in a long distance relationship and ever since the start it has been a struggle for me. We met online and I was initially swept up in the heat of this being my first relationship with anyone, even if it was only online. I have always felt like I have been fighting an uphill battle with him, we both have our problems with mental health conditions, however it has gotten to a point where I don’t know how much more I can really care for him, even if it is just picking up the phone when I am called.
I am in serious debt ($15,000+) as whenever he needs something I would help out. This total isn’t all his fault as I took out a loan to help pay for some things, but it was more money than I needed so I frivilously spent it on things for myself too. But I know I wouldn’t be in debt at all if I had never met himas I wouldn’t be spending nearly as much as I do nowadays.
My sleep is horrible as I am often kept up late at night, or called in the middle of the night, or have to wait on himpast a time I would be comfortable sleeping.
Even though I sometimes enjoy my time with him hanging out online I know I much prefer in person time with my friends as I have more in common with him, even if it is more surface level with my friends like common pop culture interests etc. This has been a point of contention with him before as I would prefer time with friends and he doesn’t have as many oppurtunities in person to spend with people.
Overall I feel I regret this relationship, I know it is a horrible thing to feel about a relationship, but I guess because this is my first one ever I never really knew what I wanted out of it. Clearly I feel I prefer time with friends and myself than someone I feel obligated to be with. I don’t know what abuse is, but his Mum once said that he ‘abuses’ me to him. He asked me what I think of it and because I know I couldn’t be honest without a huge argument errupting I just said that it wasn’t abusive and I did what I always do and excused the behaviour which affects me negatively.
But, the problem is that I know me breaking up with him would ruin his life so much. The last break up caused him to drop out of university and took years to properly recover from before we met. And because I have been spending so much to help him if I leave his financial backbone is gone as well. So I know breaking up would cause him to drop out of college again and ruin him financially so I don’t know what would happen to him. Like I would be willing to take out a bit more of a loan to send him some money to cover rent for a few months as I know I can afford it with my future career prospects but other than that I don’t know how I could make sure us breaking up doesn’t cause a catastrophy.
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EDIT: To clarify we have met multiple times now and we have regular contact with video calls so they aren’t a stranger to me, the relationship has been going for about 15 months now.
5 comments
Have you actually met this person, face to face?
You are not your partner ‘s keeper. It is not your job in life to make their life easier, especially not at a cost tonyour own life and happiness.
Fuck him.
There is absolutely no reason for you to go into further debt to try and make sure your breakup does not cause negative things to happen in his life.
This person is a toxic part of your life. Your life is worse for knowing them, stop doing this.
You only know this person online and you’re taking out loans for him and it’s got you in debt? This sounds like a scam. Start figuring out how he’s going to pay you back but also how you move on. I have a feeling if you ask about getting your money back he’ll see himself out the door.
Don’t feel bad for what you need and should do. Break up with this person. What they do and how they choose to behave after a breakup is not your responsibility just like buying stuff and going into debt is NOT your responsibility. Don’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because you’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings cause you’ll feel just as miserable continuing it.
It sounds like it’s seriously time to break up – and showing his supposed vulnerability is part of what he does to manipulate you into continuing to send him money.
I would assume that he’s an adult – and that one way or another he’ll land on his feet – and we can only hope that it’s not by taking advantage of someone else.
One way to break up would be to be very distant for a while – maybe a few days or even a couple of weeks. And then tell him it’s over – or that you need a break – and stop taking his calls.
Edit: I’m sorry OP for being so negative – but all I know is what you put in your post – and it seems like you know you’re being taken advantage of, and you’re very ready to move on.
Girl, leave! This sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. You are not response for his rent. You should allowed to see your friends as much as you want without fear of hurting his feelings. You do not sound like someone who is remotely in love with this man, you sound resentful you ever met him.
The money will only get worse the longer you stay. Exponentially. You will find ways to make it back, don’t make this debt worse than it is by continuing to support him. It seems like his mother cares about him and you — perhaps chat with her and make a plan for what happens when you break up. Normally I wouldn’t suggest anything like this, but your boyfriend sounds very unwell. It might be best to have the support of someone else in his life to help navigate the breakup and caretaker responsibilities.
If you are ever AFRAID to leave a relationship that should be a major red flag. You are anxious about his livelihood if you were to step away, and even his mother (his mother!!!) said he was abusive towards you. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and put yourself first. You deserve to be taken care of and loved and treated like your needs matter as well! Good luck!