Me (27m) and my gf (24f) have lived together for over a year now. When we moved in we both worked full time and agreed to split the bills 50/50. This worked c well then my gf went back to uni on a 2 year course. She struggled finding a part time job initially and asked if I would help out and pay half of her side of the bills for 2 months. Since it wasn’t for long I agreed then it ended up lasting for 6 months and I had to dip into my savings to cover that.
After that she was working pretty much full time hours while still at uni. I have started a new job that still isn’t good pay but I should finally have enough money to treat myself every month to a couple of books or new clothes which is something I haven’t been able to do this year and it also allows me to start putting money back into my savings again which are pretty much non existent. It isn’t even much I want to spend to treat myself, around £50 a month. I told my gf this and was excited.
Then she shows me an email from the uni the following day explaining they incorrectly calculated the amount she owes and she’ll have to pay more back. She’s asked again if I’ll cover half of her bills again for 4 months. If I do this I won’t have enough to treat myself and won’t be able to save up. I told her I’ll think about it but she just said because I’m in a better position I should be able to help her. She also has her parents in her ear telling her I should be paying more anyway since I make more. I really don’t know what to do, does anyone have any advice?
Tl;dr my gf is going to have less money that normal and is asking me to cover half of her side of the bills and I’m not sure what to do
17 comments
> She also has her parents in her ear telling her I should be paying more anyway since I make more. I really don’t know what to do, does anyone have any advice?
If you were discussing paying proportionally, why not…but her asking you to pay for everything? Seems a bit much given she has other options. Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you need to cover her….what would she do if she was single?
If she owes more money, she should go over her own budget, and see where she can save more. Maybe moving to a cheaper flatshare, maybe moving back home might be a must.
I think this is a larger conversation than just the finances, do you guys also contribute with the house tasks equally? I mean cleaning and cooking? In any case I understand your struggle, but I don’t disagree with her opinion that the one that earns more can/should (?) contribute more. Couple finances and what is fair is a difficult discussion, it sucks.
If the roles were reversed, would she pay 75%?
Would suck if she dumps you after uni is done.
This should have been talked through beforehand…
Having said that, my advice: If you two want to stay together, make sure you let her see what the impact is on your savings, adjust spending according to the new money in/ money out balance to minimize eating up your savings.
Hope this helps.
If you were engaged or married then that might be different. But for someone you’re just dating for such a short time her expectation of you paying more to support her is a bit much. I’d be very concerned if I was you as it comes across as though she is going to expect this or more for the entire relationship.
It would probably be a good idea, when the lease is up in a few months, to live separately.
I may have misread this but you should be considering moving on your own when the lease ends. You are picking up the tab for her to study and covering her accrued debt. Her parents are poisoning the well by offering financial advise when they can not offer financial help! Should keep their noses out. If you are also doing roughly half the chores you are being taken advantage of in simple terms there is potentially another year of this and do you really want this to be the next 5/10 years of your life. Especially if as has already happened she decides she wants another degree. You are unable to buy yourself a book, a book why are you working if you can not even spend £50 on yourself. Renegotiate the chores to reflect the change in contribution, the fact she not suggested that is a concern.
You both should try to find roommates separately that would enable you to save a little income. Maybe she can live on campus or with some other girls cheaper.
She’ll leave you when she graduates. Also had the roles been reversed she would’ve resented you for stretching 2 months into 6.
When you break up, will she pay you back?
I wonder how this story plays out /s
If you were engaged, or seriously discussing marriage, it would be different. The timing of her going back to uni is kind of curious. First you move in, then she quits her job to go back to school? You step up, help out, then she hits you up for more?
Reevaluate this relationship. Start looking for your own place. It is her responsibility to support herself, and to contribute to a partnership. She’s not, and it doesn’t seem like she ever planned to.
I think she needs to move back with her parents hike she is at uni. They can cover her costs.
This sounded doable until she said you are obligated to do it. Hell no. Just because you make more money doesn’t mean you owe it to her.
If you had insisted that you both move into a more expensive place or something, then sure. But the entitlement is concerning.
I think you should actually live apart if this is how she’s viewing you. If she’s just counting on you to fix her financial problems that will be incredibly obvious when you suggest living apart
I went through this within the last year. My ex made less than me and had a lot of debt. I sold my house to move into an apartment with her so we could start fresh in a mutual place. We tried living together in my house previously and it didn’t work because she didn’t feel any of it was hers. It was also a small house that didn’t fit all of our stuff. We agreed to 60/40, I’d pay the utilities and I said I’d help out with some of her debt. This turned into a lot of her debt because if I saw a future with her I’d be willing to help out as much as I could. About 1/4 of the money I made from selling my house rent to her debt. Later the 60/40 turned into 70/30. When I got a promotion she later told me she wanted to pay less but never asked. We didn’t make it a year in that apartment.
Don’t be blinded by love. If things don’t work out you’ll end with your savings ruined and set back years.
i don’t understand this, yes. help her. what?
This is a big no from me. Sounds like she’s getting more and more comfortable treating you as her meal ticket. 50/50 or nothing would be my position.
I agree with the responses who say to evaluate moving forward with a conversation on boundaries or moving out. This is coming from someone who grew up in poverty and now makes ok money, splitting expenses 50/50 with my partner in the place we live in.
My reasoning: before we moved in I had a job that paid me less, and I knew that my partner made significantly more than me. We had an honest conversation about the possibility of him paying more than 50%, but even then I refused- I’m prideful to a fault. I also saw that as irresponsible on my end.
I think it’s odd that the parents are pushing for you to pay more… especially as the parents. They’re supposed to be the ones to help.
Yes, it’s nice to help loved ones- partners included- when you can, but it sounds like you’ve done it and really can’t anymore. You’ve dipped into savings and are just now at a place where you can save again. If it were me and I couldn’t afford it, I would either be saying A) I can’t afford living here atm so I won’t live with you, or B) I want to live here with you so I’ll personally make an effort to look into more jobs I can do to bring in money to afford that.
The responsibility of paying for their education and living expenses shouldn’t default to you. It should be their responsibility and always thought of as such.
I think the most important question is *do you see a future with her?*
Not do you love her. Not do you want to be with her.
If there is no future, or you feel the future looks bleak. It might be better to simply end things.
If you are in it to grow old with her, these are some of the situations you will face the rest of your life. “Through sickness and health”. You both will end up taking turns covering for each other. A team effort. The in-laws on both sides. Compromises and sacrifices.
Decide if you are in this as a solo act or a team act. Talk and find a solution.