Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to start on this subreddit so I guess I’ll just jump right in.
I (F25) met my bf (M27) back in 2016 in my first year of college (his third year) and we didn’t start dating until around February of 2017. I moved back to my home state later that year 1000+ miles away and we kept long distance up for 4 years. In 2021 both moved up to Washington and lived with friends until we all decided to break the house up and me and him got our own place together and don’t get me wrong! I’m really happy! But my family thinks it’s weird that we sleep in 2 different bedrooms and have commented on it multiple times to a point where it’s brought up every time I see them. They think we should be more “intimate” and hold hands more in public and when I jumped at the chance for us to have my grandma’s couch for free (she got a new one) they kept commenting how it was impossible to “cuddle” on the couch because there are cupholders in the center of it (CUPHOLDERS IN A COUCH!!! SO COOL RIGHT??? SO USEFUL!!!!!).
But the thing is is that we’re both kinda uncomfortable with PDA. Not to mention he’s asexual (so sex really isn’t a thing unless I instigate it which is fine as long as we’re both consenting), and I am an extremely light sleeper and I am not exaggerating when I say you can hear his snoring through the walls. At first it was really easy to brush them off cause- Hey, I’m happy, he’s happy, this is working. But there constant insistence is making me start to wonder is what we’re doing strange? Even my manager commented on it when I told her we were getting a 2 bedroom house. This entire thing is starting to make me feel really uncertain where I was certain before and some outside input would be greatly appreciated.
32 comments
If separate bedrooms work for you, that’s great! I don’t think it’s unusual at all. A 2019 study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 25% of couples sleep in separate beds and 10% of couples sleep in different bedrooms.
It might be worthwhile to tell your friends and family that you didn’t ask for their input on your relationship and so they should keep it to themselves.
It’s weird but also not weird.
The best part about relationships is that the people involved create the terms. Good thing what your family would do if they were you, has nothing to do with you. If you’re happy, stay happy, and maybe they could learn a thing or two about boundaries in healthy relationships from you!
I don’t think it’s strange. It’s your relationship, not anyone else’s.
I had a similar relationship with my best friend. We often cuddle and are flirty, and whenever I’m at their place, theyd fall asleep while cuddling. And then I’d leave the room and sleep somewhere else far away cause I can’t stand snoring lol
Do you have an otherwise good relationship with your family? Maybe they just really want you to be happy (and for them that’s how they see ‘happy’ in a romantic relationship). Can you sit them down and tell them that your love languages are both being fully met? Would it ease their minds, you think?
I wish I had my own bedroom, I move to the couch every night because I can’t sleep through my husbands snoring. Don’t listen to other people, they can’t define your relationship or how it works. If it works for you and your partner then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.
I’ve been with my husband 15 years. We mostly have separate bedrooms. He snores so loudly. It hasn’t impacted our relationship in any negative ways. We snuggle before going to our own beds, we snuggle in the morning before getting up, we still have plenty of sex.
We are also not big on PDA.
If your relationship works for you, then don’t listen to other people. Tell your family that your relationship is none of their business, and you’d appreciate them butting out.
You can politely tell them to mind their own business
If it works for both of you and you are happy, it’s bone of anybody’s business what you do or don’t do in your house. Put your mind at ease, don’t let other pressure you into something you’d be uncomfortable with, even if they mean it well
You aren’t hurting anyone and you are both happy. Tell them to mind their own business. Frankly, let them know you didn’t ask for their opinion.
I really wish having separate rooms when dating/married was more normalized and I personally cannot sleep next to another person.
Although if your partner is asexual and you are not I could definitely see that taking a toll on the relationship long term. If it’s working for you guys and you are both happy together then I don’t see what the problem is (other than people projecting/ giving their unsolicited opinions.)
It’s your relationship, if it works for y’all, that’s awesome. Only time I would see reason to step in, is if there’s abuse involved. This is just some wierd judge mental crap. One of my aunts has never been publicly affectionate, with any of us really, but is in a great relationship. Good luck to y’all.
Nothing wrong with that at all. Sounds like a boundaries issue. Tell your family and friends you are both happy and this is how your relationship functions. If they’re still annoying, I’d personally just make them extremely uncomfortable and say you sleep in separate places because it’s a sex kink and random things that make no sense so they stop asking. I don’t think it’s good advice necessarily tho
If it’s not a problem for you two, who cares?
I had undiagnosed sleep apnea and banished myself to the couch when we had no spare bedrooms (yay kids.) When I got my health sorted and lost 30kg my snoring stopped and I came back to bed with my wife. She wasn’t thrilled with my self banishment but she slept so much better that we both accepted it for what it was.
If your situation works that’s between the two of you. You are definitely not doing anything wrong or weird.
It is quite common for partners of snorers to have a separate room. It’s weird that people are concerned about what goes on in your relationship
There is NOTHING wrong with your living arrangement. Next time they ask, respond with “Oh! Didn’t I tell you? It’s none of your business!”
I think sleeping in different rooms is not all that uncommon. Tell everyone to butt out of your personal life. Your sleeping arrangements are no one else’s business. If you’re both happy then everyone else can kick rocks.
It’s not weird at all. Good sleep = well-rested, happy people. Bad sleep = cranky, groggy people. Plenty of couples choose to sleep separately for the sake of their health and their relationship. You can’t be good to each other if you’re constantly sleep deprived.
What’s weird is that your family feels the need to stick their big ol’ noses where they don’t belong. Seriously, it’s so fucking creepy that they feel comfortable commenting on any of this.
Me and my significant spent 3 years in separate rooms. I guess after giving birth, I needed some more personal space. Our relationship was strong and healthy the whole time. We would cuddle for at least 15 minutes before we went out separate ways each night. You two should do what makes you happy, not what others want for you.
My general rule is that if you’re not part of the “3 F’s” (feeding, financing, or f*çkiñg me) then your input is irrelevant to me and my relationship.
While societal norms would say that your situation is weird, it’s really no different than what a lot of older couples end up doing. Many people end up in separate bedrooms after years together, for various reasons. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
As long as you and the only other person actually involved in this relationship (your boyfriend) are happy, and no one is being abused in any way (physical, mental, verbal, emotional) then do whatever the hell makes you both happy! Life is too short to live a cookie cutter lifestyle based on the expectations others force onto us.
The fact that you stated that you were totally happy and comfortable with your relationship, until their comments and input started making you question things, tells you all you need to know. To continue living this happy, fulfilled life I suggest you do two things: tell your family to back tf off of your relationship and stay out of it (unless they’re part of those “3 F’s”) AND ensure that you continue to do everything you and your partner are currently doing to make your relationship work so well. Keep a totally open line of communication with your boyfriend, always, and make adjustments as needed. Wishing both of you much joy and happiness in the future 🖤
I’ve been married 17 years and for the majority of them we’ve slept in separate rooms.
If you’re sleeping in different rooms because there’s some underlying issue in the relationship that would be a problem. This is likely what people are assuming when they find this out.
If you’re both very happy with the arrangement it isn’t their business. Others have commented that PLENTY of people have different bedrooms from their SO.
If he’s asexual its even more normal, I promise. I’m thrilled at the prospect of having my own room and my own private space, and if there’s nights you want to sleep together you have that option.
I also totally agree about the cupholders. I have a certain couch set in mind and I’m THRILLED about that even if it kind of gives a “my vs your space” vibe.
Don’t let other people define your relationship, compromising your own comfort to seem more “normal” to outsiders will cause issues that aren’t already there. They have their way and you have yours, if you’re both happy that’s what matters.
You’re fine as long as the both of you are in a healthy relationship that works for you then you get to define it however you see fit. If it’s not broken don’t try to fix it. sometimes if you try to fix what’s not broken you may end up breaking it. it also wouldn’t hurt to periodically check in with each other.
There’s nothing wrong with your arrangement and many couples would benefit from doing the same. It’s also not as uncommon as you’d think.
In fact, a couple I know sleep separately but have sex multiple times a day every day. How you sit to watch tv or sleep had nothing to do how much you have sex.
I think it’s time to tell your family to butt the fuck out of your sex life. Full stop.
“I know you guys think sex only happens in missionary at bed time with the lights off but some of us are a bit more imaginative than that.
Now if I have to hear my parents, siblings, etc. try comment on my sex life or I show PDA, I’m going to lose it. I’ve got this. And the fact that you think it’s your job to micromanage the intimacy I share with my partner is, frankly, beyond creepy. Just stop, you’re seriously crossing a line with me. I’ve had enough and don’t want to hear about this again. Am I making myself clear?”
Stare down and repeat that last sentence firmly until you hear an affirmative response.
If they bring it up again, act like you’re deaf and immediately talk about something very different. They’ll learn.
“You have voiced your concerns frequently in the past and I am not going to talk about this with you again. If you are unable to talk about something else or accept that I am very happy, I am going to hang up the phone/leave/ask you to leave/etc.”
This may be unconventional, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It sounds like it works for you and your relationship. Good for you! As for your family and friends, they sound very nosey and they should mind their own business. You owe them nothing.
My grandparents slept in seperate rooms/beds.cuz she had MASSIVE back surgery in her 40s, and my grandpa was a thrasher. He also had a fucked sleep rhythm and enjoyed listening to the radio softly when he would be awake for a few hours a night. My mom and bio dad had different rooms in different floors of the house because she was such a light sleeper and he had undiagnosed sleep apnea… she vividly remembers one night when my bro was a newborn thinking about dad “if I put a pillow over his face, I’ll be able to sleep finally”. My dad luckily? was in a work accident that resulted in him being in a specialist hospital for months so she was able to sleep. Then he was on shift work so they did seperate rooms because he sometimes needed to sleep while she was up and about with us kids, he was leaving when she was sleeping. He needed a room that is kids weren’t play8ng outside of etc
Super fucking weird your family is so interested in what your intimate details…. Check out Nedra Tawaab’s book about boundaries. You may need to chuck some their way. If you are happy they should be happy for you.
If it works and you’re happy, screw everyone else. People have all different ways of being affectionate and intimate, and it sounds like you’re getting some very close-minded opinions from those around you. Also, have they forgotten the bliss of having a whole bed to yourself?!
Sleeping in separate rooms was the best decision my husband and I ever made
I think everyone is already kind of inferring this point but I think it’s worth saying explicitly. There is nothing wrong with having separate rooms.
If the arrangement works for your relationship that is ALL that matters
You can Google this, as there are lots of research studies on both sleep quality and relationship happiness if couples sleep in separate beds and/or separate rooms. The range of issues are wide that are helped with separate spaces: snoring, thrashing in bed, talking in your sleep, apnea, getting up to pee, different sleep times/schedules.