Obviously we’d all love to be 100% compatible with an SO, but that seems unrealistic, and 0% seems unsustainable. So, how would you define your minimum?

9 comments

  2. I don’t think you can measure that like a number, there are several things to consider: similarity of kinks being the harder to evaluate like a number. Having similar libido or similar enough to being able to compromise is the minimum when the relationship is monogamous for me. Also the sex has to be at least good and be willing to explore at least a bit.

    Edit: eaten some words, it seems I was hungry.

  3. In almost all of my relationships I have been the high libido partner. Many relationships have failed because of this. I finally wised up and figured out that my partner needs to be at least 75% or so of my desire. So for example if I want to go four times per day she needs to want to go three times per day minimum. Otherwise it’s a constant source of frustration.

    The problem is things change over time, and you can only hope that you change in compatible ways. That goes for everything, not just sex.

  4. 100%. It’s not unrealistic if your kinks aren’t too niche. Has been working out for me so far.

  6. Putting a number in it is really just subjective and can mean whatever you want it to mean. Just thought it was a fun way to think about it.

    For me, 100% would be like, both of us are into the same stuff, same frequency, same libido, right out of the gate. Honestly, I’m my mind, 100% would not be ideal because I like to be “challenged” and nudged outside of my comfort a little.

    0% for me would be nothing in common and no desire to have anything in common on a sexual level.

    I need some overlap and common ground from the get go. So like, equal levels of desire, a good foundation of similar needs, and an interest in exploring for the others benefit. So, to throw out a fun but meaningless number, I guess 50-75% overlap would be ideal, 50 being by lowest threshold in an otherwise fantastic relationship.

  7. Not by a number.

    I’m kinky, so I need a service-oriented masochist who loves pegging and impact play. That’s my minimum.

  8. I don’t think it can be quantified like that. It depends on what factors are important to each individual.

    Personally I only want to be with people who enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, are kinky and significantly dominant-leaning, are cool with period sex, can communicate openly about sex, know what they want/like, are sexually generous, are feminists, and have a sense of humor about sex. That’s all pretty baseline stuff for me.

  9. There’s some core pillars that are rather abstract, where I don’t sweat the details, but we gotta see things the same way on those. The way we connect sex and emotion needs to be near identical. He would need to be as vanilla and as kink free as me. We’d both need to be in the same *dimension* in terms of sex drive, even though they might not match exactly. Things like that.

    Then there’s some details – random, all over the place- I would also not budge on. Perhaps, not budge on anymore? I dunno. Your experiences shape you, and I’ve come to realize there’s some specific things I cannot do without and things I could do with.

    For a large part tho, I’d try to make it fit, and live and let live where it does not.

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