About a month ago, a close friend asked me how I know M (brother’s girlfriend) as she saw we followed each other on Instagram. I told her she was my brother’s girlfriend and asked why. Her response was, “😳 Sam (37M) has been dating her for a couple months, and she said she’s in an open relationship.” Sam is my friend’s ex-boyfriend, although they have been best friends much longer than they ever dated. I’m also friend with Sam.
I asked more questions and found out that M has been with Sam for a couple months, she says that she’s in an open relationship but won’t tell him with who or for how long, and asked Sam to not tell a living soul that they are hanging out/dating. Like sleeping together at his place, spending the night, going to dinners, etc. Sam is developing feelings for her.
My friend also filled me in on Sam’s mental health, which has been in a scary place for a couple of years. She has been keeping watch on him as has two other friends of his that he has been close with for two decades. They are staying in touch and reporting on how he is doing with each other because Sam’s alcoholism is getting to a very destructive point where his job, relationships, and mental health is struggling. They are considering having an intervention with him to get him into rehab.
My friend reached out because Sam really likes M and wants to go exclusive with her. She is concerned that M is a bad influence since she is in her early twenties and parties quite frequently and binge drinks. I told her that she hasn’t been a good influence on my brother in that department and definitely wouldn’t be for Sam either.
Then I had to make a decision on how to handle the info that M has another boyfriend in addition to my brother, who currently lives in my basement right now. If it was a truly open relationship, I expected I would have heard that from him or from M, as they have spent a lot of time with my partner and me, even joining me for my birthday dinner last year, coming over for Sunday dinners, etc. I was worried that she was lying about the relationship being open.
I approached M through text saying I heard that she was with Sam. She told me that she was, that my brother and her are open by they are “don’t ask don’t tell” and that they don’t talk about any of it to each other at all. She was then very defensive and annoyed about how I found out about her and Sam. I told her that she needed to be careful as he’s very sensitive, and has friends who are looking out for him after he had some mental health struggles. I also mentioned that several people knew about the two of them. They are living in a small mountain town after all.
She was very guilty as well, saying things like “I hope you don’t hate me now” and “your brother is the best person I’ve ever met. I don’t want to hurt him or anyone” and “I’m just really bad at communicating but your brother has been understanding about my commitment issues.”
She was at my house earlier that day before I reached out to her. She had spent the night with my brother. She then went to Sam’s directly after and got extremely angry with him for telling anyone that they were seeing each other. In turn, Sam got mad at our mutual friend for telling me and blew up on her, saying that she’s to blame for M getting mad at him.
I confirmed with my brother that it is a don’t ask don’t tell open relationship. As far as I can tell, he is not dating anyone else, which is easy to tell since he lives with my partner and me. So it is also one sided, which definitely can work with open communication and trust, but neither of those things are happening.
I think it’s important to note that my brother has been with her for a year and a half, that he has traveled on two different trips to meet M’s family, and that this is his first serious relationship.
As someone with many poly friends, I know from their wisdom that open relationships do not function well without communication. She is manipulating two men into how she wants the relationships to function. Both men are negatively affected by her behavior, and it’s taking everything in me to not reach out to her again and say something like “you need to take a hard look at how this arrangement is toxic, manipulative, and emotionally harmful to both of the guys you’re with.”
What would you do?
TL;DR! Found out my brother’s gf (23M & 24F) is dating a friend of mine behind my brother’s back. She says the relationship is open under the rules of don’t ask don’t tell, but does not allow my friend to tell anyone they’re dating. Do I tell her to grow the hell up or leave it alone?
8 comments
> it’s taking everything in me to not reach out to her again and say something like “you need to take a hard look at how this arrangement is toxic, manipulative, and emotionally harmful to both of the guys you’re with.”
What reason do you have to think that she cares even a little bit?
The choices you have available to you that will have any effect whatsoever are:
1. Keep your mouth shut and accept that your brother is a big boy and got himself into this relationship by his own choice, or
2. Tell him about Sam, and risk the consequences of that.
Confronting *her* will have no useful outcome at all; if she were the sort who cared about how her behavior affected people, she’d behave differently from how she does. Nothing you can say will cause her to change that.
You cannot rescue your brother from the consequences of the choices he has made in his own life. So either tell him, or don’t, but accept the fact that ultimately what happens in his life is *his* responsibility, and it’s neither your right nor within your power to fix any of it for him.
Tell your brother about Sam and let him deal with M
I think you’ve gotta leave it alone. You got confirmation from your brother that he knows she’s seeing other people, Sam knows as well (although he’s not fine with it). All parties are consenting.
It’s probably not going to end well, but it is what it is. At least your brother has a caring sibling looking out for him.
what does your brother gain from this? Ask him this
You’re meddling in business that isn’t yours. Your brother is purposefully in this kind of relationship and really? Your friend is 37 pursuing a girl in her early twenties and you assume she’s the problem? If he’s using her to be self destructive that is also his choice, she is not lying to either of these men about what kind of relationship she is after. It sounds like you’re the only one with the problem.
They wanted a don’t-ask-don’t-tell situation, and your brother doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue, so … what’s the problem, here?
Where’s the toxicity?
If she doesn’t want the friend to talk about it that just probably means that she’s in the closet about being in an open relationship. And that’s fine, especially given the amount of shit women get for having lots of sex.
You say she’s manipulating both of them, but how, exactly? She asked for what she wants and they both agreed. If Sam wants more than M is offering, that doesn’t make M a bad person. If you think M is a bad influence on Sam, you should share those concerns with Sam and let him make his own decision.
DADT open relationships are pretty common among people who aren’t really in poly communities. I don’t think that’s the best way to go, personally, but it’s a reasonable choice that adults can make and it’s not inherently toxic.
If your bother is miserable because he wants more from M than she’s giving, okay, that’s a discussion to have. But you don’t describe anything along those lines.
It sounds like you want to deny both your friend and your brother agency. Oh, no, they want to go out drinking and partying? Like, that’s a choice, and it’s okay if they want to make it. These people are all adults.
I wouldn’t do anything. I would apologize to your brother for bringing information to him that he didn’t want (because he has to know that you’re asking about this for a reason), stop getting involved in any gossip about Sam and M, and leave all of this well enough alone. Don’t talk about it with M again. She and your brother will work out their communication issues or they won’t; either way, it’s not your business beyond supporting your brother if things go badly.
i think you should stay out of it as much as possible, but be there as support for your brother. if things get bad he’ll need someone in his corner.