TLDR… my grandparents took care of me as a kid when my parents werent around. However we didnt have a good relationship – they suspected me of using drugs and when i was 16 they found out im gay and said i had to go. We have had hardly any contact since then but my grandma recently got in touch saying she wants to “be there for me”. I dont trust them but im also worried that im being ungrateful or cheating myself out of having a family relationship just out of stubbornness. I’m not too sure what to do.
I asked for advice here before and it was really helpful so i figured id see if anyone has any suggestions about how to deal with this situation. Sorry its a bit complicated, I’ll try to stay on the point. I’m a 22yo guy. My parents werent around much as a kid (both had issues with drugs and violence and were in and out of prison) so from when i was about 9 I stayed with my grandparents (mom’s side) full time.
They did look after me and of course im grateful for that because obviously they didnt have to do it. It was a weird environment though. They are both very religious and old fashioned. They were very cold to each other (slept in separate rooms, didnt really talk to each other unless my grandpa was ordering my grandma around) and they were pretty cold towards me. They were strict (eg i wasnt allowed a door on my room or a phone and the only internet access was a desktop computer next to the tv so they could supervise me) and i wasnt allowed to hang out with friends outside school or have people over.
They started getting suspicious of me in high school because my grades and attendance were so bad. They didnt believe that im just really bad at schoolwork and i was cutting class because it was stressful, embarrassing and exhausting. From middle school, i had to go to sleep as soon as i got home because i had to work so hard to keep up and i still kept failing. My grandma decided i was on drugs (which i wasnt – even now i barely even drink because I don’t like it). She even got those home drug tests and when they came back negative she accused me of cheating the test. Then when i was 16 they found out I’m gay and that was it. My grandma said she couldnt deal with me and i had to go.
I wasnt a bad kid and idk why they never trusted me. My grandma kept comparing me to my dad (who she hated) so maybe thats why. I’m literally nothing like him… hes always been loud and aggressive and I’m the opposite. If anything I’m way too soft. Like.. I used to apologize to my stuffed animals when they fell out of the bed and hold funerals when I found a dead bee or something lol. I was a weird kid for sure but i definitely wasnt aggressive. I was still sleeping with stuffed animals at the age they kicked me out. I think part of the reason she compared me to my dad is because of race (im mixed race, filipino dad and white mom) she always said i looked like my dad even though we really dont look similar at all, i just dont look like my mom’s side of the family if that makes sense. Obvs thats just my theory though. I just cant really think of any other reason for it.
I kinda had to make my own way from 16 which wasnt easy at all especially during lockdown. It was a mess at times and theres parts im not proud of and stuff i dont like thinking about. Maybe its entitled since i know they didnt actually owe me anything but I guess i feel kinda let down by them? I definitely dont trust them.
I have one older cousin who i get along with but she lives in another country. I dont talk to her that regularly and i never told her much. I spoke to her at the start of this week because i needed advice about a different situation im dealing with and she asked if my grandparents were helping me so i opened up a bit more than usual.
I guess she called my grandma after and yelled at her because now my grandma is asking me to meet and saying she wants to be “there for me”. I told her i dont want that. I wasnt angry or anything but i dont trust her and id just be risking getting rejected again. She got upset and talked about all the years they looked after me and i know thats true and i dont want to seem ungrateful.
On one hand i still really want stability and support and ive spent alot of time hoping theyd change their minds about me so maybe its petty to say no. I just dont know if I can handle this rn because ive got alot going on and i dont trust my grandma to speak to me in a helpful way. Should i give her a chance though? I know no one can make the decision for me but im worried im not thinking it through clearly enough?
22 comments
my dude, you owe your grandparents nothing. sure they took you in, but they also treated you like shit and tossed you aside before you were even legally an adult. and on top of that, they’re only reaching out because your cousin yelled at them. you don’t have to respect them just because they’re family and they toon you in as a kid. if anything you should be calling them out on their hypocrisy of being ‘good God fearing Christians’ who then turned around and threw a minor child in their care out onto the street. its ultimately your choice, but you have no reason to feel guilty if you tell them to go to hell.
There’s no harm in re-opening the connection. Whether it’s validating or healing, you’re more mature and should see where it this leads.
>She got upset and talked about all the years they looked after me and i know thats true and i dont want to seem ungrateful.
And? That doesn’t make up for the abuse.
If your grandma had said she wanted to apologize to you, then I would say why not hear her out.
But she said she wanted to “be there for you” which is not an apology. It probably means one of these things: a) she thinks you’re just recently going through a hard time and thinks this is an opportunity to manipulate you back somehow, either back to being straight or back into the family so she can pretend nothing happened, or b) she feels guilty and thinks by helping you now she can avoid apologizing, or c) she just wants to save face in front of your cousin, now that she’s reached out to you she can say she tried and make you look bad if you refuse.
None of these are healthy or nice. And none of them are a real apology or acceptance of you or of your sexuality. I say she doesn’t deserve a chance at this point in time.
It’s not anyones decision but your own and you are perfectly allowed to pick whatever path you would like , if you do seek to rekindle the relationship then make sure you go into it with eyes wide open and you’re allowed to walk away again at any point that it becomes something you are not interested in .
And if you choose not to reunite then that is also okay , ( and probably the path I would personally take but everyone is entitled to their own choice )
Personally I’m done doing things out of obligation , to me family is just a label , I have a strong connection with my father . Not because he’s family but because he’s the person who raised me and mentored me into life . My mother I don’t talk to because there was no bond and for all intents and purposes is just a random older lady to me ( who I don’t find that interesting ).
Your grandparents are still trying to make you look like the bad guy. They kicked you out when it suited them and now are manipulating you to reconcile when it suites them again. They were controlling and abusive when you were living with them. You are young and maybe that is why you feel guilt, but don’t let them get in your mind, if your grandparents were really sorry they would start with an apology when they reconnected with you.
Maybe see a therapist, it will help you in the long run and also things will become more clear for you.
I suspect they assumed you were just inherently a bad kid because that’s how they rationalize their own kid’s unhappiness and failures. To do otherwise would mean taking a hard look at their own parenting and the family dynamic they’ve created, and they either *couldn’t* or *wouldn’t* do that. So as soon as you showed signs of sadness and dysfunction, they felt emotionally safer blaming you than they would if they communicated with you, and risked hearing that they’ve contributed to your struggles in some way. They jumped right to “bad kid, get rid of it” to protect themselves from pain.
And from the sound of it, that hasn’t really changed. Grandma, at least, still sees herself as a martyr who selflessly took in a “bad kid,” born of another “bad kid,” and did her best. There may be a whisper of guilt trying to push its way up through all the layers of ego and self-protectiveness, but it’s not loud enough to inspire true remorse or humility. And without that, there’s really no chance of repairing the relationship. She can’t love you in a way that will feel like love.
I think if you can truly accept her limitations and go into it with no expectations, a conversation might be worthwhile for you, if only to confirm what you already suspect. But if you don’t even feel particularly curious, or if any part of you is still desperate for her love and approval, this conversation is likely to be a waste of time at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst.
First, I need to validate your feelings because they are 100% valid. You are NOT ungrateful. Kicking you out at 16 is actually illegal, it’s child abuse and abandonment. You are right to feel unhappy about that. You are justified in holding resentment there. It’s 100% reasonable for you to be mad as fuck at them, and want nothing at all to do with them. It’s perfectly reasonable to worry that they will let you down. You SHOULD be worried about that- in fact much of my advice here is about dealing with that.
The risk here is that you will be disappointed, or worse, that you’ll be hopeful, think things are working out, then will be disappointed.
I’d suggest do some pre-legwork to make sure you have a safe path. Send grandma an email, not a text, an email- you want non-real-time communication. You want her to think about what she says before answering. And ideally you want her to write a longer response, so you can get a feel not just for what she says but how she’s saying it. IE, does it feel remorseful, does it feel genuine, or is this ‘see what you get for being gay’.
I’d suggest write a long email and tell her everything. Tell her how you struggled in school, how it hurt when they insisted you were on drugs, how you felt like no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t do anything right in their eyes, how you felt like a prisoner with no privacy. And how you felt when they kicked you out for being gay.
I’d say stop the letter there and say like ‘before I go any further, you need to understand that I am gay. That is who I am. I am attracted to men and not women. This is not my choice, it’s how God made me. If you aren’t okay with that, I understand; many people aren’t. But if you aren’t okay with it, please just be honest. Because every time I think about you, emotionally I become that little 15yo boy who is sad and confused and doesn’t understand why the only parents in his life think he’s worthless in every way. So if you aren’t okay with me, if you don’t accept who I am, please tell me. It would cause me much less harm to hear that and move on, than to try and trust you only to get hurt. So if being gay isn’t okay with you, please just stop reading here, reply with a goodbye, and delete this email. I’ll be fine.
Then tell them everything that happened since you left. What you did, where you went, who you met, etc. Tell them the parts you aren’t proud of, as a ‘that’s what I had to do to survive after you dumped me on the street’. Don’t be nasty- be honest. The truth is nasty enough. Basically make a history of everything that led up to where you are now.
Then describe how you are now- how you’re feeling. Don’t say any things that could get you on a mandatory mental health evaluation, if they ARE actually not helpful that could be used against you. Just be honest otherwise.
If that sounds like you’re dumping a lot on them, that’s because I’m intentionally suggesting dumping a lot on them- as a ‘test’.
If this is a case of ‘cousin beat them into reaching out even though they didn’t want to’, then you won’t get much of a reply, if any, or it will be accusatory, complaining that the things in the email are harsh.
If she truly does want to ‘be there for you’ that should include taking responsibility for the bad things she did to you. And if that’s the case, you’ll get a heartfelt apology as a reply.
From there, you decide if you want to meet.
You were let down by them, and by your parents. Your family was highly dysfunctional.
In my experience, it’s rare for people to change much, especially at that age. If you do have a relationship with them again, you will have to accept, that all the things that you didn’t like about them – including the homophobia and their coldness to you and to each other – is unlikely to have changed.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with them. It just means that in order to protect yourself, you can’t get your hopes up that they are suddenly going to provide you with the love and support that you need and deserve.
So if you do choose to have contact, it has to be done with caution and with low expectations.
Put yourself first, first and foremost.
You weren’t allowed to have a door to your room???? That is not “strict”– that is unhinged!! Your grandparents have very serious control issues as well as trust issues. Accusing you of being on drugs just bc you do poorly in school — that’s abusive. Accusing you of “cheating” when you pass the drug test is gaslighting. Kicking a 16 year old out of the house is abusive.
You do not owe these people your gratitude. You are not obligated to them at all. If you WANT to have contact with them, then you can do that, but you say “I don’t want that,” and so it seems that you should trust your gut.
Often times what is healthiest and best for us as individuals isn’t what society, culture or even evolution,would suggest we do.
In this case it sounds like you know logically and personally that being in contact with your grandparents isn’t needed or even heathy. You acknowledge that you wish things were different and that you did have genuine support, care and acceptance from your family. That’s why you’re questioning your decision. We’re taught that we must be forgiving of family and give into the wants of older generations. Evolutionarily wise, we are a tribal species. With that said, we are also intelligent creatures that are brilliant at finding BETTER ways to live our lives. You are right not to trust your grandmother, her actions are pretty predictable and selfish. So yes, I agree that you keeping your distance is the better, healthier, conscientious decision for yourself.
You want stability and support. You’ll need to build this for yourself with people you choose by putting in the work to be their support system also.
Look, your grandparents already showed you who they are. You know they can hurt you. If you want to talk to them again, please only do so if you’re able to handle the potential hurts. If you can remember they are separate from you, can’t control you and you can’t control them, I think it’s possible to just take whatever little good they do have to share. Society today is very isolating, I’d say in general it’s important to preserve connections where you can, but toxic or negative people are not going to be a good connection.
Only you can determine if the way they treat you is too far. My parents are negative and wore me down into a depression for the years I lived with them. Once I lived on my own and made new connections things got way better. I stay close to them and know I always have a place to sleep if shit got hard, but I also in many ways hold them at a distance and keep them out of stuff that’s personal.
Honestly, I’m really angry on your behalf. Your judgmental, racist grandparents did the absolute bare minimum to raise you. They did NOTHING to help you do better at school, and just made accusations instead. You owe them nothing for their “care”—certainly not gratitude.
It sounds like they’re only contacting you now because extended family have realized what shitty people they are. Not because they’ve suddenly become better people. Don’t contact them. You have every right to protect yourself from them.
I can’t imagine how tough it was to be on your own at 16. You’ve done remarkably well for someone who’s entire family failed them. I’d be happy to have a kid like you. You deserved love and protection then, please give it to yourself now.
What does “be there for you”, mean? Does she think they way they treated you before qualifies as that? Because what she should be doing is apologizing, and swearing to change, but what she did was…guilt you about having taken you in before. When they did that, your grandparents were cold, controlling, and toxic.
Your description of her in the comments shows that she hasn’t changed. Whatever her reason for reaching out to you, it’s not because she thinks the way she treated you was bad or unacceptable, which it was. Any healthy relationship would have to minimally start with that going forward.
She is not the stability and support you crave, OP.
Not allowing a teenager a door isn’t being strict or old fashioned. It’s being abusive. Your grandparents were abusive possibly racist jerks. You don’t owe them jack. If you don’t want to see them, don’t see them. I seriously doubt they would offer you stability or support.
What do you have to lose from meeting her for coffee? Don’t like it? Don’t have to see her again.
Bud, this is called blowing smoke. Grand parents got found out that they suck and now they’re trying to spin doctor the narrative. Or Gramps needs a kidney and everyone else said ‘no’. You’re his last hope now and all that.
From your narrative, these are people that at the very least emotionally neglected you, even emotionally abused you and kicked you out when you didn’t fit their mold of what a young person should be. To all intents and purposes these are not people you should allow back in your life my friend.
Good luck. Hope you can make the decision that’s healthiest for you. Mentally and physically.
If you decide to meet with her do it in a neutral location. Not at her home. Meet her at a nearby park or shopping area where there is seating. If she is still judgmental and homophonic, you can simply tell her that you are not interested in having an ongoing relationship and leave. They fed and clothed you but did not nurture you, I suspect they did it because they thought it was their christian duty. You owe them nothing.
You can be both grateful for what they did provide AND protective of yourself. Just because they provided a very limited and rudimentary form of support (while also being actually abusive) does not earn them the right to your company or time.
When we are in non-abusive, supportive, mutually cooperative relationships, it can make sense to occasionally reach past one’s comfort zone to meet someone halfway. But they haven’t earned this from you. You’re still going to need to heal from the cold and isolated childhood you had, and the fact that you didn’t even get to finish your childhood before they kicked you out. Focus on your own healing and care and you don’t have to prioritize their feelings over your reality.
Ultimately, it is up to you, and I think you’re right to view this through the lens of “is this helpful to me right now or not?”
I would urge you not to think of this as totally black-or-white. You could respond with something like, “Hey Grandma, I appreciate you reaching out. I have a lot going on at the moment, but I would appreciate talking over the phone every once in a while.” Open the door a little bit and remain in control of how much you leave it open.
Or — if you don’t think it’s what you want right now — you could thank her for calling and tell her you appreciate the concern but need some time to process things, and you’ll get back in touch in the future.
Or — if you just want to close the door — you can do that too. But you have a range of options for how you can respond, and it doesn’t have to be black or white.
You’re not kidding when you say you have a lot going on right now. Getting out of an abusive relationship and finding stability are really challenging. Don’t introduce another variable which could erode your self-worth. If your grandma loves you, she’ll wait, and you can evaluate whether you want to rebuild that relationship later on. If she’s reaching out because she feels obligated to, then just cut her loose…
Honestly, I wouldn’t talk to them. They don’t seem like good people.