In my 28 years I’ve always wanted to feel what it’s like to have someone to embrace, but it just isn’t happening for me.
I can make really good friends just fine, but any attempt at something romantic has received I just don’t have the ability to keep someone interested.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m feeling physical pain in my chest just thinking about how I failed and seeing other people manage it just fine out in public. I can’t go to the beach or go on a hike without feeling massive amounts of shame. I feel unattractive and boring around other people. I know everyone is going to say not to give up, and that you can still improve, but I’ve gotten exactly where I want to be in life. I’ve got my life completely stable in every regard with enough left over to explore the world and what I like in it. Doing it alone is bitter sweet.

I think at this point it’s just a giant red flag to anybody. It’s not because my standards are to high, it’s not because I’m waiting for the perfect one, it’s just that I’m completely incompetent in dating.

With that said, how do I let go? Especially with so many reminders everywhere, including friends, family, and co-workers talking about the awesome things they do with their partners. I don’t want to cut them out, but it’s a punch to the gut every time I hear them talk.

8 comments

  1. Therapy. You’re young and it sounds like you’ve got aspects of your life fairly put together. Work on your self emotionally, physically and embrace your hobbies for yourself or learn something new. It sucks. I feel it. There is someone out there for you but in my experience it has never been wise giving all my energy into intentionally trying to find that person. It’ll come!

  2. It may be a punch to the gut. But have you ever heard of the saying: quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don’t give up.

  5. Don’t think of it as giving up forever. Think of it as a break.

    Pick a period of time (6mo,1,2,3 years) and spend it focusing hard on yourself. Try new things. Set goals. Do therapy. Make some great memories that will make awesome stories later.

    You don’t have to give up, but you can focus your energies elsewhere for awhile so you don’t feel like you’re just spinning your wheels. Good luck.

  6. Hi drift_alone_

    I’m 29F, and I’ve never been in a relationship either, so you are most definitely not alone in this (I don’t know if that helps, but it definitely helps me when I learn it’s not just me!)

    I’m also in a place in my life where I have a stable job, good friendships and am finally ready to have a romantic partner and maybe start a family.

    It’s hard when a romantic relationship is something that you so desperately want. I believe that (most) people are not meant to be alone in life, and that things will work out when they are meant to. Not that that offers much comfort, I know!

    I can sympathize with how you feel, and this is something that has always weighed heavily on my own mind. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one who is left behind? Why/how can other people do this so easily?? The answer is that nothing is wrong with you (or me), and people only really make relationships seem easy, but this is not true. Relationships take a lot of time and effort, but it’s difficult to have this view when you’re always the one sitting on the outside looking in.

    I can see from your replies to other comments that you have been working on yourself, and that is amazing! Becoming the best version of yourself can never be a bad thing and your future partner will be thankful for that too – you never know, maybe they’re in the same position and are working to make themselves the best version of them too! ☺️

    I recently came to the realisation about how free I am as a single woman. I realised that my younger sisters always have to plan themselves around their partners, and don’t really do all that much outside of their usual schedule of work, cooking, shopping, watching TV, going on the odd trip.

    In honesty, I am coming to terms with, and embracing, my singleness. There is a great freedom in being able to do what I want, when I want, and can fully embrace TV shows, gaming, a hobby, without the worry of having to also accommodate someone else. Just last week I went to a musical by myself, and it was a wonderful experience!

    I should also say that I have been in therapy for 4 years (weekly for about a year, and then appts every few months just to help unjumble my mind!), unrelated to being single, but I have had extensive conversations with my therapist about my personal, professional, and romantic relationships as well as how I react to triggers among other things.

    When you become aware of your triggers then it makes it really difficult to lose sight of that, it can consume you and become a part of your identity. I have been there and it is a difficult thing to unlearn, but it is absolutely possible.

    I cannot recommend therapy enough, it’s so nice to have an impartial person to have these conversations with, and I have seen such a massive change in the way I view myself and how I interact with others, and I’m a firm believer in it.

    Therapy and embracing my singleness has really helped me to shift my mindset and be more happy in the here and now, though it can still be hard sometimes!

    Not sure if this will have been much help, but if it helps to know that someone else has been there, then hopefully it has!

    It truly hope you find what you’re looking for. Good things will happen in time as and when they are meant to ☺️

  7. I think that we all find letting go difficult, for a variety of issues, and in varying degrees all of our lives. I do not believe there are any “magic spells” only intention. When taking back any issue we’ve determined to release it feels like failure. C’mon stop that mentality, that’s a start. We don’t usually determine to let go and then it’s gone, poof! No it is in stages and degrees. As long as you’re genuinely directing your intention to letting go, and it feels better in myself actually to say release instead of let go, it feels more accurate somehow.
    We are all moving along our path and there will be moments of zen and moments of resistance. It is our human condition and its more than ok it is authentic.

  8. (30 M)It’s darkest before the dawn. I’ve had 3 sexual partners in 10 years. I thought I was a failure for so long. Then I thought qualitatively, considered…one was female, one was male, the other a trans female. I think back fondly on times I’ve had. My first kiss, my second kiss, the third one, that time I made out with M——— great make out sesh.

    Anyway, I’m in the boat with you(not much going on now) but think about it this way: if you give up, the bastards (the ones who disrespect women on tinder and make online dating a living hell for ladies) win. The bastards win. Keep fighting the good fight. Chin up. Based on your original post you don’t seem like part of the problem. Change is coming. Hang in there. You’re not alone.

    It’s tough for men to go without sex, (see also that Seinfeld episode)

    consider a regular “manual override”.😉💪

    Greetings from qwghlm.

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