My bf (23M) and I (24F) are together for almost 8 months now. We are in a long-distance relationship, he lives in Canada, I live in the Philippines and we’ve never met in person yet. Before we got together, we have been online friends for 2 years and did facetime a lot. We are planning to finally meet on January by next year.
He always have had anxiety but it was only 3 months ago he’s been diagnosed and started taking meds which really changed him both in good and bad ways. It has been almost a month now that he’s being distant and this is the worst side effect he’s ever had that affected our relationship. He only told me that his meds make him not understand what’s going on and that he’s not himself at the moment. I know that his meds make his emotions confusing, he losses affection for ppl and just doesn’t want interaction. I’m trying to be understanding and have been patiently waiting for him to come back for almost a month now. But it’s so hard fighting for a person you’ve never met yet. I even lost already the excitement I used to have that January is approaching. He doesn’t hang with me anymore, we don’t watch movies nor play games, we don’t facetime no more and he doesn’t compliment me anymore like he used to even after I compliment him. It’s like he has no desire for me at all. I feel like it’s always me who understands him but I have needs too which are not met and I sometimes feel like a selfish person for thinking that, knowing that he’s sick.
I’m not sure what to do. A month of waiting is long enough but at the same time, January is only a few more months. I really give value to my time and how I feel in a relationship. How do I hold on when we don’t even communicate anymore because he prefers alone and quiet?
tl;dr I’m thinking of giving up in my ldr because my needs are not being met but he’s sick
13 comments
I am sorry to say that, but a person you never met can’t be your lover. That’s not possible.
It’s a tough call for sure. At the end of the day, you need to make sure your needs/wants are met too. It’s not your responsibility to hold someone else up or shoulder the effort of the entire relationship. At the same time, he just started seeking treatment. This might not be the right medication for him, he may switch medications and be “back to normal” but with better control of the anxiety and with less of the lack of understanding side effect. Have you spoken to him about how effective the medications are? They seem to be the root cause here. As someone with anxiety, and medication to treat it, that doesn’t sound like a fun treatment. It sounds like what he’s on is just shutting down all emotions, not just the overstimulated ones. So of course he’s becoming withdrawn. But I digress, I’m not a doctor.
You have every right to decide when and why to end a relationship. Like I said before, bearing his burdens isn’t your job, and you should be able to put yourself first without feeling that guilt. It’s hard, I know. I’m in therapy for this, haha. My therapist put it this way, which helped me: “we can’t control other people’s emotions”. No matter which you choose, you can’t control his response. So you may as well choose what’s healthier for you. Maybe that means holding out until he finds the right medication and postponing the trip. Maybe it means taking a break and if you guys come back together at a later time, when you’re in better places, then you work together from there. Or maybe this is just your turn to move on and wish him luck with his treatment.
(Also your relationship is 1000% valid, I am friends with a couple who met/were together solely online and long distance for FOUR years before they met and now live together/in person and are engaged so ignore the other person haha, people meet in all kinds of ways these days thanks to the Internet!)
On the one hand, he did just start treatment, so it might take awhile for him to find the right meds/treatment. On the other, your needs matter and it’s unknown how long it’ll be before he can really engage with the relationship again. Maybe you two could take a break until he feels ready? You could still meet in January as friends and see what happens.
It’s possible that the meds are not even a factor here. He might just be losing interest in you. 🙁
And if his medication is magically making him not like you, there’s nothing you can do if he doesn’t want to stop the meds.
Either way you need to let him go I’m afraid. Cancel the visit.
As someone that’s on meds too, when my meds changed I had so many feelings that I almost couldn’t feel any love towards my bf anymore. It was just a side effect of lowering though so after two months it went better each time I saw him and now I love him just as much as before. I would give him at least 2 months to see if things get better. If it doesn’t, then maybe you two aren’t cut out for each other. Changing or beginning with meds can really fuck with your head. Just don’t let it go on for too long because that will have a heavy weight on your own sanity
Im really glad you posted this as it reminds me a lot of my own situation that I’m struggling with. This gave me a lot to think about and I hope things work out for you both
I’m sorry love . I know what you are actually going through. If there is no communication. It’s impossible to keep the relationship going. You are better off ending it. If you value your time . You wouldn’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want to spend every moment with you. One person can’t hold a relationship. If you feel like you are doing all the work then it’s pointless and you are beating a dead horse at this point.
This is a common side effect of most anti-depressants. He needs to talk to his psychiatrist about it, maybe to lower his dosage. If not, it should level out over-time. However, you are a person and have needs, keep communicating and trying to work on this together while he’s adjusting to the medication.
I would move on, and if he does finally contact you, tell him you moved on.
Im reading this. And im thinking-
This fellow used her as an unofficial therapist until he got his meds.
You know, how when you know youre not doing well and you are looking for a mother figure? Like it or not, he’s duped her.
A relationship is not real if it is not mutual. And given that you have not even met this person yet in real life, to deal with the real person and real life issues, this is a time when you can afford to pull out and take care of yourself. If this is meant to have it, it will happen but it will not happen without a lot of communication. Long distance relationships suck for precisely this reason. Take care of yourself, and if he is interested in cares, he will come around.
Let it go. You have dun your best. You have nothing to lose. Maby someone else will appreciate you more. Eg like the girl I have found on tinder she had a boyfriend who did not appreciate her. An it’s his loss because she is such a beautiful gem.
if he is taking xanax during his transition to the anxiety medication (like a lot of people who get on those meds) that could totally explain him lowkey kind of forgetting about you and neglecting you. Imagine him being drunk 24/7, my ex on xanax would literally forget who I was.
but lowkey forget ab him