partner wants to pay for the rent because he makes more. unsure how to navigate this.
me and my partner (both 26, me F, him M) are currently living at my home (as in the home I grew up in with my family/parents) while we look for a place. we’ve been together almost two months now, and been living together since about a month in. to make a long story story, he’s from WV originally, moved back home after he broke up with his last GF, met met not long after, and then his parents kicked him out of their house do to some legal issues with his brother. my parents were nice enough / kind enough to let him stay there while we look for a place.
i work 40h a week at a desk job, bringing home $620 a week after taxes. My partner works 60-80h most weeks in a factory and brings in $1,500-$2,000 a week. I do have bills, my car payment, and a couple of credit cards i’m paying off. My monthly bills are around $600-700. my partner has no bills outside of what’s in collections, and his phone bill.
because of this, he “wants me to focus on my debt” and pay that and my car payment down instead of focusing so much on household bills when we rent a place. originally we planned on splitting the rent, but now he’s saying he will take care of it and I can “pay a utility bill if i wanted”.
i was going to get a second job for on the weekends so i could pay more money towards bills, but he doesn’t want me working my life away like he does.
i’m unsure how to feel about this. yes, he makes a lot more then me, but i don’t want to feel like a free loader or like he’s “keeping” me. i do really love my partner and 100% want to live with him, but my partner is also a very nice person and wants to please others, and i’m afraid this will come back to bite me or something if i’m living there and not paying bills.
i need advice on how to navigate this, or how to bring this up with my partner or what to do in a situation like this. is this a bad idea?
TL;DR – partner makes more money then me and wants to pay the rent / bills when we live together instead of splitting expenses
7 comments
While I don’t think you have to agree to it, I do think you should consider trusting your partner on this. Paying down that debt is a long-term investment in your life. If it’s a risk and an investment he’s comfortable with, those feelings deserve some respect.
Look seriously at your debt and what payments you can make. If you do it this way, make sure you are putting basically everything you would have paid in rent towards your debt, (ideally, plus a bit extra). This will help you budget appropriately for when the debt is paid, or, for a situation where you become responsible for rent again.
If you do this, I would suggest you two talk really honestly about the budget, and have a back up plan for how you will split the rent if he finds this agreement doesn’t work after a few months.
Where do I even start with what a bad idea this all is?
You haven’t even been together for 8 WEEKS. You moved him into your parents’ house after a month. He is fresh out of a relationship. He has some legal problems with his brother. He has all these bucks from working but can’t afford his own place.
You say he has bills in collections like that’s NBD. It’s not normal. He wants you to pay off debt while he has bills in collection, ruining his credit. He needs to pay that off.
It’s hard to decide who makes worse decisions. But DON’T move out of your parents’ house with no savings, with a guy you don’t know, with someone who can’t keep a roof over his head or his bills paid.
I can’t read his mind. Either he’s a kind guy who recognizes that because of your differing financial situations that it makes more sense for him to handle most, if not all, household expenses … or he’s a “woman’s place is in the kitchen, my woman ain’t gonna work, I bring home the bacon …” blah blah blah …
But just because he’s made the offer doesn’t mean you need to accept it. A standard line of “I appreciate the offer, but I’d be more comfortable contributing my share of expenses” is just fine.
I would be fine with a situation like that with my partner (on either side). But that’s because we’ve been together for ages and there’s no reason to think we won’t continue to be together. Our finances are joint. I would be much less interested in taking an offer (or making an offer) like that in a relationship that is as new as yours is. At two months in, I’d be fine with someone I’m dating buying expensive tickets to a concert I wanted to see, but not with them paying my rent.
So talk things over. What works for both of you?
Do a proportional split according to income.
You wanna pay rent, so you don’t feel like a freeloader. If your income is like 30-40% of his, you offer to pay 30-40% of the rent.
100% do not move in and/or become financially entangled with someone you have been seeing for 2 months. Full stop. Let him get an apartment on his own when he’s able to find a place, and then give your relationship some time to develop where you both can still be independent people.
It sounds like he is really well meaning, but you don’t want to get into a situation where you become financially reliant upon someone and then need to break up 2 months later. You two are still in the honeymoon phase. If you’re still solid in a year, revisit the discussion – in the meantime focus on making good choices about your finances and building a strong and healthy relationship with your boyfriend.
It’s way too soon to move in together, this is a bad idea. Let him get his own place, and talk again about moving in together in like, 6-40 months.
Pick up domestic duties. He is working a lot more hours (60-80), it is difficult to take care of life when you work that much. Recognize the sacrifice and help him by doing the shopping, making lunch/dinner for you both, Maybe laundry etc.
it may not seem like much but if you both understand what the other brings to the table through communication then it will work.