I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, maybe about 6 months. It started off very causal because she made it clear she didn’t have time to date me, she was dealing with moving/a break up and an intense job. Note that we are non-monogamous, so we started dating before she broke up with her partner. I was fine with that, I didn’t mind casual and i really
enjoyed our dates/sex and it was very fun. As time went on, it got a bit more serious and we were spending quite a bit of time together. She’d make jokes when we parted ways like “see you in like 48 hours maybe ;)” etc etc. We decided to “officially” start dating and it was real nice. she seemed really good at communicating and stuff and i had a bit guard up so i put it down. It would make me feel really good when we were together, honestly for a minute it felt like the healthiest relationship i’d ever been in. This is my first non-monog relationship and yet i felt the safest i’d ever felt.
This all kind of exploded when she told me she loved me but it seemed kind of accidental (we were on a roller coaster, she said “if we die, know that i love you”) – i brought it up later and she said that she did love me but that she wanted to be cautious of what that meant because she isn’t ready for anything serious. She had been in two consecutive long term relationships that ended really badly and took up most of her adult life.
After this “i love you” convo she seemed super off for the next couple of weeks. We went away together and the vibe was just weird in a way i can’t explain. She just didn’t seem as into me anymore.I confronted her and she told me she needs space and fell into this relationship dynamic too quickly. She told me she’s never been single and has never learned to be independent (for example, arriving at parties alone and not as a unit is something she’s never been able to do) or even just to be seen as herself and not as herself and a partner.
I of course obliged but it’s hard because I’m very much in love with her. We are so alike, she makes me feel things i’ve never felt before. I can see myself marrying her and even having a family but she also still healing from her and wants/needs to be alone. We didn’t break up but it’s very hard to take a step back when i’ve seen what it’s like to be with her fully. I now second guess every text or phone call in case i scares her away.
The other issue is that we have the same friend group and if we break up, i will have to see her all the time. I don’t know that I can handle that. I’m stuck.
TL;DR dating a girl who just got out of 15 years of consecutive relationships, wants to date me (i think) but wants space. seems less interested and i’m struggling on what to do
8 comments
She needs to be single then or just have hookups. You’re both on opposite sides and there isn’t a midle ground. She likes you a lot but she doesn’t want this. Yes, I would breakup.
If she wants space, give her space.
Your desire to be with her should not be more important than her need to heal.
sounds like she really needs to practice being alone. i say let her. if you two are a good match she will come back when she’s ready (but be fully prepared that she will not). she sounds like someone who has avoided herself for years and that is not a good pattern. those types of people are unable to be fully invested in their relationships the majority of the time because they are so used to hopping around between partners.
that’s not to say she would be a horrible girlfriend or anything like that. but she’s actively recognizing her need to be alone. listen to her or else you will end up as collateral.
Enough, she said she wanted to be independent and single. Take the hint.
Sorry OP, but you need to cut this loose ASAP because I can tell that this going to hurt you regardless of your actions. Either:
1) You break up now and have to deal with seeing her around, her poking at your boundaries, and hearing about her dating life
2) You stick around while she LARPs Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold, which will lead to resentment
3) You attempt to match her energy knowing full well you cannot, which will lead to resentment and other nasty emotions, which will come out sooner or later
All-in-all, she needs to figure her own shit out and you do not need to be hurt by her actions, no matter how much you care or think you care about her. It ain’t worth it.
I recommend breaking up, maintaining understandable distance, and putting up boundaries (like if she texts you some flirty shit, tell her to cut it out). It will be for the best, believe me, I went through a very similar scenario. I stuck it through and it cut me *deep*. I do not wish to see the same for you.
Bless you – this sounds really hard. Given the time you see each other socally, I don’t think going ‘cold turkey’ is super helpful, or (when you both sound like you do want this in some way) feasible for what could be a good thing!
I think you should continue your step back, but not before another conversation. Express to her that you really do like her, as a person and as a partner, but that you know she can’t entirely be that person or partner with this burden of ‘but what’ in the back of her mind. I had a prolonged period of being single before meeting my other half, and it was great for me, and helps me feel settled and confident. Consider whether it would be appropriate to put a ‘check in’ date – it might not be! – but it could allow you to bound out a period of a semi-break, letting you manage your feelings, and letting her avoid guilt if she comes back to you at an agreed date and says she feels one way, or another, or needs more time. It’s not fair to you for it to be open ended, but her request is really reasonable.
You also need to talk about what pulling back looks like for each of you; is it withdrawing quantity or ‘quality’ of the interactions? Which is more vital for continuing what you have or what you want?
> She told me she’s never been single and has never learned to be independent
It sucks when someone says, “I’ve never been single before, so I’ll start right now by breaking up with you.”
Anyway, time to move on.
I would give her all the space she needs, even if it means meeting other women to find someone that wants to be with you.