I’m in my early twenties renting a room in a house full of other students who are a few years younger.
The other night (middle of the week) my roommates invited easily over 20 people at the house past midnight and started partying very loudly until 5 am. My studies are particularly exhausting and yet I couldn’t sleep at all that night, this pissed me off because they did not ask me if it would bother me.
The next day I sat down with them and straight up told them I would not tolerate this one more time.
They apologised at first but then they basically answered that they’re young and that’s what young people do. Eventually after telling them I’d have to call the landlord to work this out they agreed not to do this anymore as long as I’m here.
We were in a pretty good atmosphere before all this and now I feel everyone here hates me. I know they’re talking behind my back.
Was there a better way to approach this with them ?
22 comments
You could tell them to give you a heads up next time it’s happening at the least as that’s basic decency and tell them to have an end time to these parties such at like 2-3am or when you want so it’s more reasonable. Or just tell them to have parties on the weekends etc
“Straight up told them I would not tolerate this one more time” lol. You seem like a control freak or authoritarian figure! I’d tell you to kick rocks. The world doesn’t evolve around you. You chose to share a residence with people that want to throw an occasional party. Definitely better ways to address the problem. I found learning about leadership works beyond the workplace and helps with relationships and friendships as well. It’s not about being the boss, it’s about communicating. Don’t mean to come off as a dick, but I assume you didn’t either when you addressed them. Now you may have an idea how they feel.
Why do you think you are the boss?
Because you are older? More studious?
Get some ear plugs. You aren’t special. You don’t have a veto.
Move into a place with more like minded people.
Next time join the party. If you ain’t gonna sleep may as well have fun
They should have given you warning, that part was messed up. But to be honest it does sound like the majority at your house has spoken.
They likely didn’t give you a heads up because they knew you woulda put the kibosh on the whole thing. And they were all in agreement that they wanted to host a party, and felt they had the majority.
There will likely be further developments on this front, and they have just as much of a right to live their lives as you do. The problem is what they want is the majority in the house, and what you want is the minority.
I would recommend looking to relocate. Idk how old you are, I’m 32, graduated from college 10 years ago.
But I’m telling you looking back, things can get out of hand with the way people navigate situations like this. 18-22 people are really quite young, and just learning to navigate the world, and don’t always do it in the most mature, fair and balanced way.
I threw parties in the middle of the week too (on Thursday’s). That way everyone I wanted to come was free and available, and we all could go to other parties during the weekend.
I can actually understand why that girl was looking at you like you just ruined her life. Because meeting people, learning about herself and others through social interaction is a huge portion of a college experience. Having that revoked is a big deal. You get 4 short years of it, and most people are aware that they are generally the most fun 4 years of your life. You, and they, should make them count.
It sounds like you have different priorities than them. And just because theirs don’t align with yours, that doesn’t mean they’re in the wrong.
Anyways, my guess would be this isn’t the last time you’ll have to deal with this, and being that you’re in the minority, I do feel the best thing to do would be to relocate to somewhere with more like minded people.
Generally that should be pretty easy to find. There are tons of people out there that just want a quiet roommate who isn’t throwing bangers. That’s the path of least resistance.
At least if you do that, you know you won’t be going home and get hit in the face with a house party that you want no part of, cause that could totally happen again.
It’s selfish and inconsiderate of them. Ask them to let you know when they’re having a party and most importantly, you get a say, as you live there too. Can’t they have parties on weekends only? That’s a day when everyone’s free, not a work night.
Also feel sorry for the neighbours
Just call the cops next time
You did the right thing. Being straight up honest with them. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. If they end up “not liking” you for speaking up and not tolerating bullshit that’s their problem. Whatever anyone says or feels towards you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with themselves. Try not to worry about it and just let go.
Find some 30 year old roommates. Age diminishes the desire to party, ESPECIALLY in your own home where you have to host and clean up after.
You were in the right and they’ll still resent you for it. Sorry OP. Being put in that situation usual means choosing being alienating yourself by asserting your needs and well, not asserting your needs. Maybe you could have addressed it more gracefully, maybe not, but the important question is how much do you care? If you can continue to exist with these people and focus on your studies and won’t miss being better liked by them, then you’ve gotten what you needed in a totally reasonable manner.
If you care about them liking you and want to try resolving tension, maybe try a peace offering/thank-you-for-respecting-my-boundaries pizza or case of beer for their next party with a joke of like “thanks for letting me be a wet blanket on weeknights” might help.
This is why you should only be roommates with people that you trust and have known for years, like a childhood friend for example. Otherwise, you can never predict the kind of stuff they might do to you.
you’re totally in the right here. i just had my loud roommates move out and i’m pretty sure the reason they were so unbearable is because i wasn’t straight up with them the first time they pulled that kind of thing. you live there too, you’re entitled to being able to sleep in your own bed without interruptions.
It’s hard to answer your question because you haven’t told us if this has happened before.
When you said to them ‘I won’t tolerate this one more time’ it sounds like it’s not the first time.
But if we assume that it is the first time, I would say that you did some things right and some things wrong. Sitting down with them to discuss was a good idea. Telling people that you won’t tolerate their general behavior is a good way to make them feel criticized and defensive, so I would say that was a misstep.
I would’ve started with how you are feeling stressed and sleep-deprived and annoyed at the partying and how you are unwilling to go on having those feelings and need something to change. That way you could come up with a solution together. You could still privately, beforehand, decide what solutions you think would actually help you feel more at ease and be prepared to politely refuse if they suggest something that won’t work (‘Ex. That’s a good idea, I just still think it may lead to me feeling some stress & sleeplessness that’ll be hard for me to tolerate. What about if we _______?’)
can I be invited next time?
Get earplugs
It’s easy enough to find a different location where everyone is onboard, or at least it should be. Some people go to college to party, some have really intense study loads. It’s ok to state boundaries you have. You can’t adjust your course load for their partying, but they absolutely can be flexible with their (non-essential) partying. It’s just a fact. 🤷🏼♀️
Partying during the week with no warning, selfish fuckers!!
They should save loud music for fridays and saturdays. But you could also get yourself some ear plugs
I have never experienced more living situation stress & rage than college…ppl act insane and now when I look back I should have lived by myself
Nah, that’s not what young people do. That’s what assholes do.
Nah fuck em, You did good. If they do it again blast music an hour after they have gotten to sleep.
That sucks man. I was such an inconsiderate asshole
Myself a.k.a a young student. I am not sure what you can do about the talking about your back. Highly likely they make fun of you and call you a buzz kill. But when it comes down to it they may think you are a nice dude. I don’t know how you said it, but there is never a good way to tell this