Bf (29M) said the way I (31F) am when it comes to sex makes him uncomfortable

38 comments

1. He’s told you he’s not willing to have sex with you more often. You’re not sexually compatible.

2. Just a question – does he makes you climax every time toy have sex?

3. Is he on any anti-depressants? Or having emotional issues at work/family? Those things will kill any drive for passion.

4. it sounds like you both are sexually incompatible and you both need to have a discussion about how important that is in the relationship for both of y’all. if it’s too uncomfortable for him to have sex as much as you want, then i hate to say that you might need to find someone else.

5. I’m sorry to hear about this. I had the same frustrations with my ex.

6. He has made it clear what his position is on sex. Now you have to decide if you can live with that because it’s not going to change. Most likely it will decline, not improve over time.

   While leaving is never easy, it’s what has to happen sometimes even when you love your partner. I left my husband despite loving him and his son tremendously. We had become basically like roommates. He never wanted to go anywhere. The only place we did go was out to eat once a week and even that he started calling and asking me to pick up dinner and bring it home (this was before delivery) so he could watch tv and eat.

   I told him things weren’t working and we needed counseling. He said he was perfectly happy and i could go to therapy if i needed it but he was okay 😳. Needless to say, I asked for a divorce. It had nothing to do with love, we both loved each other, we were just not compatible. I wanted adventure. I knew what day of the week it was by whether we were having sex or not.

   You have to think about how much life you have ahead of you and do you really want to spend it like you are spending it today.

7. This is a very clear-cut case. The two of you are incompatible, and it’s making both of you unhappy.

8. Wanting sex more with a boyfriend who also wants a lot of sex is okay for sure. There’s a man out there who needs you and is just waiting for you to be single.

   I didn’t share the same love language as my last partner. My wife now and I get along preternaturally well. We can’t seem to get enough of each other. My last partner and I would only connect a few times a month. I was able to deal with it but I wasn’t as happy as I am now.

   It’s okay to admit you will be happier elsewhere. Really.

9. To echo others – it’s definitely about how short life is, don’t spend precious time trying to force a square peg into your round hole. The round peg is out there looking for you, go get it. Tell square peg good luck and adios. It’s not selfish when your basic needs aren’t being met. It likely won’t get better by waiting, that just breeds resentment. Good luck!

10. You’ve been together only 6 months. Cut your losses. He was rude and tried to shame you for wanting more sex. Being tired is OK, but he didn’t have to communicate in that way, because he is closing communication.

    Also, if you think this is low and it’s been 6 months, it’s just going to get worse from here.

11. Whoa, whoa, whoa. First off, y’all live together at 6 months?? Whats next, marriage at 7 months?? Take things slower than the speed of light, good things take time. No need to rush things. But, yea, I don’t think you two are sexually compatible.

12. >For context, I told him before we committed to each other that I had a high sex drive and liked to be intimate with my partner at least once a day/every other day.

    INFO: what was his response to this?

13. Check the DB sub. This not a place you want to be. You should reconsider your relationship. I’m sorry.

14. Seems like you make better friends, go find someone you’re compatible with for a relationship

15. Having a high sex drive is fine.

    Having a low sex drive is fine.

    Trying to force together two people with opposite sex drives is (more often than not) not fine.

16. You’re not sexually compatible. He’s told you to stop forcing the issue. You can either accept this or end the relationship and move on

17. He was pretty open and honest about his sex drive, you can’t blame him for being true to his word.

    You are not compatible. The next step is for you to determine if it’s a deal breaker for you.

18. I understand your frustration. My husband is unwell and I can count on two hands the amount of times we’ve had sex in two years.

    We used to have sex about twice a week his drive was higher than mine so he would take it when he could but it roughly averaged twice a week.

    Now it’s the complete reverse. Due to pain and medication and sleep issues he is very rarely “up for it”. We discussed it, I understand his lack of drive and frankly my relationship is more important to me than sex.

    Get some toys, sort yourself out or find yourself a man with a higher sex drive. But reframe the question with you as the man and him as a woman and then read it back. You shouldn’t push him into having more sex because you want it.

19. You need a different one…

20. The honest truth: this will never change. You will grow resentful. You’ll waste years hoping that you can fix this, and you won’t. You might get married and have kids. But you will be profoundly unhappy and eventually you’ll be 40+ and realize that life is too short. You’ll either divorce him, demand an open marriage (which can work for many, but I don’t think fits your bill), or cheat because you won’t care if the marriage ends anymore.

    Move on.

21. You’re not compatible. Either come to terms with having a partner that has a low sex drive and seems pretty rude about rejecting you or break up and find someone else. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work and sex is a good enough reason to breakup.

22. He got into a relationship knowing you wanted a fair amount of sex, he isn’t interested in providing it, and it tires him out to match your libido.

    I don’t think either of you are being terribly unfair, but you’re not compatible in that way. He should have been more honest about that up front. If you don’t want to live like that until one of you dies, you have every right to end things.

23. He probably just has low testosterone, ask him if he could check his testosterone levels

24. let me tell how this ends.

    1 of you gives in and has sex less/more than they want. otherwise y’all break up. doesn’t seem like he’s willing to do anymore and will make you feel like a nuisance for asking

25. You are sexually incompatible and this relationship isn’t going to work

26. I’m so sorry to hear that it sounds like he’s basically not able to have a conversation about your needs. Sexual incompatibility, whether temporary or permanent, is a conversation which requires a shedload of love and compassion. Either he’s too tired to afford that compassion or he just doesn’t care.

27. I loved my husband. I still cried in the shower thinking I was unattractive and why didn’t he want me. I have a boyfriend now who fucks more than I do. It hurt to leave my husband but it was the best thing for us both

28. This is why it’s important to move in together before marriage. Sexual compatibility is super important in a marriage—you won’t be happy without it.

29. This isn’t ideal and will drive you crazy. I can say this from experience. Husband with low sex drive would only want sex once a week, partner that I have now needs sex like me daily. In our relationship agreement at the start we made some rules before getting into it cuz we were both sick of not putting it all on the table and in that agreement sex being every 24 hours was a priority unless something happened to make one of us very tired then 48 hours. It’s been 4 years since and I’ve happily been having sex once or twice a day and it’s really made me happier than I thought I’d ever be. I was lonely before this relationship because intimacy means a lot to me and now I’m satisfied and happy with the level of intimacy. It may seem like a small thing but you only get to be intimate x amount of times in ones life. It’s also needed for mental health, especially for those with a higher drive. I would consider seeing a sex therapist about this for ideas, or admit to yourself this is important and you deserve to make a life where this is a priority. Honestly, you would be better off single with intimate buddies who share the same ethos as you compared to what you are feeling right now. If you’re waiting for him to change, it’s not going to happen. So the question is, are you happy with how things are enough to give up your stance? For many years I had a man I loved call me a “sex pest”. He bought me a vibrator just so I’d leave him alone. This isn’t the life you deserve and it hits the self esteem over time. I waited a decade, you shouldn’t do that. Good luck, would love an update. Ps. I’m 32.

30. So my (29F) husband (29M) has a high sex drive and I do not. We have been together for 12 years. The honeymoon stage was great cause we both had high sex drives, but it dropped for me after a couple years. My husband said the same thing to me that you said to your husband – he needed more intimacy than having sex once or twice a week. I was just like your husband – “I’m too tired”. We fought about it a lot. We almost ended the relationship over it. Ultimately, though, I love him and I want him to spend his life with me, and he loves me and wants me to spend my life with him. So we worked together to figure out what would get my motor running when he’s in the mood, which helped a lot. And as soon as we figured that out, he wasn’t so amped up when I wasn’t in the mood because we’d already been intimate consistently.

    It could be entirely different for you and your husband, but I see so many comments that amount to, “You’re sexually incompatible – break up.” I just had to say that it is possible to work through something like this, it just takes a lot of understanding and effort from both of you to meet each other halfway.

31. Yeah. This isn’t going to work. My ex husband and another previous boyfriend were the same and reacted the same when I brought up that I wanted/needed more. I even once got told that, “you’ll never be happy unless you’re being used like a sex toy” when I mentioned that I’d like to be intimate more than a couple times a month.

    My current boyfriend however can’t keep his hands off me and we have sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It’s amazing to feel wanted and have someone who’s libido matches mine.

    I always thought I was the problem but it was an issue of unmatched sex drives. You can’t force that shit.

32. He should be considerate of your feelings and needs. He’s in a relationship with you . Plus you explained it in the beginning

33. It’s only been six months. Do you look forward to being frustrated all the time? Because that’s how it’s going to be if you stay.

34. Don’t know anything about the guy. But take stock of your life and what it looks like with him in it. A huge gap in sexual preference or drive can be an incredibly important thing that leads to a lot of unnecessary stressors. I’m not saying leave him. But at the ages of 29 and 31 I’m surprised you moved in together within six months even having known each other prior. That’s usually early 20s move. Living with someone and moving in with a romantic partner are different. Different expectations. It’s possible you both don’t meet each other’s and may never.

35. honestly sounds like more of an issue on his end— the way i see it there’s no problem with asking for what you want/need as long as the other person is allowed to say no. almost sounds like he’s shaming you for your sex drive and not even hearing out your needs. not that he should have sex w you when he doesn’t feel like just bc you want you, but the way it sounds like he’s completely shutting the conversation down doesn’t seem healthy/effective to me

36. Sexual incompatibility… Been there, done that. Trying to fit the “square peg in the round hole” is going to bring nothing but anger, resentment, lack of intamacy outside of sex and overall growing distance… I’ll tell you the flat out truth and you can do with it as you will. Something has to change and it absolutely will not be him and it won’t be you… Do it now while it can be an amicable and peaceful split.. get your shit together first ( place to live yada yada ) but please be kind to one another and end it while it can still be a peaceful split and possibly salvage the friendship. If you wanna make him your Wednesday nigh while your finding who’s right for you, cool. But the full blown monogamous relationship thing between you two ..all bad..

37. It’s not the differing sex drives that stands out to me, but his hard line against considering change in addition to not making the effort to help you climax when you do have sex. It sounds a bit like the attitude of as long as he’s happy, you’re both happy.

38. 32 here, ive had multiple relationships like this and I’m sad to say it rarely seems to work. I don’t have much advice other than they said they are who they are and you should listen to that and make decisions accordingly. Ive put years into relationships trying to make this kind of incompatibility work and its just way too much. It ends up being lonely, miserable and just overall hard on both partners.