My (25F) bf (23M) and I have been together for 8 months and we have lived together with his family for most of the relationship. It is a good relationship overall, with its normal ups and downs.
I’ve become quite unhappy here. I don’t speak the language and didn’t integrate that well; wasn’t able to get a job. To top it off, some of his family members have had problems with me pretty much since I arrived and overall the family is finding it hard to get used to things changing (i.e. their boy not having as much time for them, us wishing to spend time apart from the family etc.) I have been so stressed constantly trying not to step on any toes, fitting in, getting along with them, etc that I have been doing bugger all for myself. Because I don’t know the language, I also haven’t gotten a job. I recently realised that due to all these factors, _I’m depressed_.
I feel like my bf has become lazy. Or he _is finally showing me who he really is_. When I raise a concern with him, he says he’s listening, but I often have to bring it up multiple times for him to register it’s a problem for me. It’s become a dynamic where if I don’t get visibly upset (shouting, crying, all out breakdown), he doesn’t really seem to take it seriously. He says he is. But I don’t feel heard. I don’t see any initiative or action until it gets unbearable.
For example, a few months ago I very calmly raised the issue of doing chores and stuff around the house, stating I’m worried it’s mostly falling on me and that I wish he 1) showed he appreciated me more and 2) did something as well. I proposed we discussed what he would be comfortable doing. He didn’t say much and all he started doing was sometimes taking the plates after we had eaten and putting them in the sink. The situation kept bothering me, I kept bringing it up and as I got increasingly upset with it, the talk became raised voices, crying, sometimes shouting. After that, he seemed to register and I have seen improvement.
This dynamic is horrible to me. I don’t want to have to reach the point where I am so upset I’m crying about it. I want to be heard the first time. This is very important for me. He has so far denied he is doing anything of the sort.
Over the past months I have seen this with a few other issues, always with the same pattern. One of them is a family thing. For months there has been tension, mostly affecting me (since I am staying in the house with them daily, while he is gone for work). Only yesterday, after an incident, me getting upset enough and actually wanting to leave did he start a bit of conversation with them.
For me, something broke inside today when I realised this is how he is and unless there is a crisis, he will not show the initiative and effort I want. I’m scared he isn’t going to try that much to speak up for us and our interests. I want to be wrong. He is telling me he was waiting for a perfect moment to bring X issue up (for the past 3 weeks) and that he started doing something today (after not trying to do absolutely anything about it until the crisis) and it will get better and he is doing the work _now_. I am tired _now_. I feel like for so many months he could have done more to support me, to help with what I needed. I feel I have done my best to communicate my needs. And yet 80% or more were not really solved or addressed.
I am extremely conflicted because… what if I am wrong? What if it is a process and I should be patient? What if I am throwing away something good where there is a chance it will work out?
On the other hand, all this time I needed action from him and now when I am so jaded I want to leave, he is _finally_ doing something. It feels too late tho.
I am feeling like the support I needed months ago started showing because he was genuinely scared. But scared action is not an indicator of consistent behaviour when it matters.
I’m terrified of making the wrong choice, so I’m paralyzed. Any advice would help a million. Thank you!
Tl;dr: My bf is not showing much initiative when there is an issue, unless it escalates. Yesterday I had enough and was going to leave, he magically starts doing something. Still thinking to leave, but scared I might be making the wrong choice.
8 comments
Kinda clever to flirt with a woman to get a live-in housekeeper for him and his family for free.
Because that’s what you are, sorry to say that. Leave this country, go back home and hopefulyl laugh about what happenend in some months.
A relationship 8 months in shouldn’t have ups and downs. Why are you living with his family? And so early in the relationship? That sounds like a terrible idea.
He’s showing you who he is, you should believe him. There’s zero sense in sticking around and being miserable.
I’ll say, listen to your gut. Listen to your conscience and intuition. If you’re not happy and feeling depressed at times, I think it’s time to break it off tho a lot of people will say “talk it out” but you’ve already tried several times. You don’t know his family, the only person you’ve been with since 8 months and kinda know someone in the house is only him and if he’s not hearing you the first time you’re coming to him with a problem, where would you go? and that takes a toll on you, personally and maybe that’s why you feel sad at times. Not having a job sucks but I hope you get one soon. I’ll say, focus on your mental health. You’re 25, and you’ve only known him for 8 months. If it feels like you’re rushing it, you could take it slow. But if you’re sure and if your guts say that this won’t work, it won’t. You know the person better than any of us, so listen to yourself. Talk to yourself and come to a conclusion.
Finally showing you who he really is?? Y’all have been together less than a year. This is your honeymoon period. I didn’t get father than that line. You moved wayyyy to fast with this person. And moved in with his entire family almost immediately?? Yea. Of course they don’t like you. I hope you’re in a place where you can move out easily
The only wrong choice you can make here is wasting more time on this guy. He was in no position to invite you to live with him and it sounds like you moved and now are totally dependent and trapped.
People change when they want to change.
I mean, duh, right? In the case of your boyfriend, he doesn’t want to change unless there is a risk of losing the status quo. He’s comfortable with the way things are. When you get upset and stand up for yourself, he realizes that he either has to change something to help make you feel better or things are going to change. And as soon as you stop, he stops because things are “comfortable” again for him.
If you threaten to leave, he’ll say he’ll change. He’ll say he’ll do better. And he will for a while. Maybe even for a month or two. But I suspect things will go back to the way they were because that’s what is comfortable for him.
If you do decide to stay, you need to do a few things. First, learn the language, at least enough so you can get a job and get out of that house regularly. That’s a big part of the problem – that you’re stuck with the in-laws and they aren’t welcoming. Second, you and he need to work towards getting your own place away from them. Granted, that’s why you need the job so that if it doesn’t work out, you can support yourself in that new place.
If learning the language and getting a job in that area is more than you can handle right now, then you need to leave. I can’t see things getting better for more than short stretches of time and you deserve better.
Follow your guts, you already answered yourself you wanna leave, and you’re hoping he’ll change. I mean best you could do learn the language? Because when my brother had his ex wife at my parents. They lived with us, only thing she did was hole up in his room, not talking to us. Not even using Google Translate to communicate with us. She just fetched food and poff. In the end she bought food to that cave and never showed herself upstairs. And we members stopped asking her stuff. I used to ask her if she wanted pancakes, she usually said yes. I think k she was scared to be alone with us. But still we asked her a lot of times wanna come? And she always said no, so we stopped engaging with her. She was gloomy and negative while my brother was positive. Different between my brother and your man is that my brother cleans, cooks and so on as well works.
We fam got tired that we had to make effort to talk to her, but not the way around
Don’t date people living in there parents basement.