My girlfriend and I, both 23, have been together for a long time. We were best friends from middle school, I came out to her as lesbian early. During high school, she came out as trans and lesbian. We got even closer during her transition as I was there for her all the time and we bonded. We got into somewhat of a non sexual relationship, but she was constantly chasing after this one girl. It was complicated. We had an open relationship and eventually, when she started sleeping with the other girl, we broke up. We didn’t talk for some time. I only had a few girlfriends in that time period.
When we started talking again, we were in similar situation – she was still in an open relationship with that girl, after being exclusive for some time. I was in a longterm-ish fwb relationship. We were 21 at the time. After reestablishing the friendship, we were closer than before. I fell in love with her over again, this time she fully reciprocated. We began a romantic and, finally, sexual relationship. But she was still loyal to her girlfriend. So we were back where we started, in an open relationship. I was content with that, although I knew she only wanted that because she was afraid of leaving a long relationship. But I wasn’t against having the option to have fun with someone else. It’s just how we worked, before becoming closer.
Something happened to me in that period of time. While I’ve never been interested in men, I started being interested in a guy I met. And it wasn’t just that I thought of him as attractive, the way I was able to think about the occasional guy. I didn’t expect to enjoy being with him and developing a real attraction, but I did. After trying to reflect on what happened and what changed, both by myself and in therapy, I concluded that I’ve always been bi, but my preference for girls, as well as never learning what it’s like to sleep with someone who’s of the opposite sex, blinded me to the reality of being bi. What opened my eyes was being with my girlfriend, who is a woman by gender, but still has typically male genitalia and does not plan an going through any kind of procedure. Once I learned I do enjoy sex with typically male genitalia, I realized I am interested in men as well.
I fully identify as bisexual, and this is something I’ve been feeling for months now. I went over it with my therapist a lot. For about a year, while still technically being in an open relationship, we don’t really want to be with anyone else. She ended things with that girl, finally. And I ended things on my end. We’re pretty committed to each other now. We spend a lot of time together, we share some friends.
The thing is, I’ve discovered something big about myself and I haven’t told anyone because I believe that as her partner, I need to telk her first. She’s close with my family and friends, some of whom do like talking a lot, and I’m afraid she’ll hear it from someone else. So technically I haven’t told anyone. It would also be a load off my mind if I didn’t hide who exactly I am from my closest person. What is the best way to approach her about this without making her feel like I don’t see her as a woman?
TL;DR : I realized I’m bisexual after sleeping with my girlfriend and I don’t know how to tell her that.
3 comments
I wouldn’t make it about her or mention the aspects connected to her. I would tell her that you have realized recently you find some men attractive, and it got you doing some hard thinking, and you realized you are actually bisexual. That seems to be completely true.
I mean, just tell her you’ve started to think you also are interested in men? I don’t really see how it’s anyone else in your life’s business but if you want to tell them about it you do you.
You can just tell her. If she asks how you know, you can just stick with “I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about my sexuality for a bit and just kind of realized”. You can mention being attracted to your guy friend if you want. I would probably not bring up her genitals though. Like just because it helped you figure it out doesn’t mean that has to be part of the discussion.
You can share parts of yourself without sharing every detail. Like if it was a porn you watched that made you realize, you wouldn’t have to tell her what porn it was, right? You can share you feelings without sharing every inner thought that led you there.